Abu Nahasapeemapetilon, Simpson’s cartoon character, Kwik-E-Mart cashier, and singer of the popular Prince rendition of, Tonight I’m going to party like its on sale for $19.99!, has reported plans to marry the popular Bollywood actress, Mallika Sherawat. Abu claims his interest in Sherawat goes far beyond the sex appeal she is known for. The paparazzo has yet to catch this couple together, which brings doubt to Abu’s boasts. Rumor has it that Sherawat “hooked up” with Abu after her appearance on The Jerry Springer Show a couple of years ago. Abu was quoted during the show as saying, “I have seen Sherawat’s inner beauty, and it is in perfect harmony with my outer beauty.”

It is now speculated that Abu and Sherawat met years before, through the popular Yahoo! Indian matrimonial website, Shaadi.com. It appears that Sherawat may have been his 154^th marriage proposal throughout the duration of his three-year membership, which is just slightly below average, according to recent poles. After a bit more investigation, I discovered that Microsoft and Shaadi.com consist of the exact same customer service team. This made me wonder what lonely, unsuccessful Indian men could possibly have in common with technology ignorant Americans?

The answer is Synergistic Common Interest.

Americans are lonely too, spending hours trying to find a date. In fact, they are on so many different websites, they are infecting their computers with new viruses every day. These lonely Americans have no time to learn the proper procedures to fix these problems, so they end up calling Microsoft customer service for help. These Indian helpline workers are so busy fixing all the discombobulated American computers, they cannot consummate a successful digital relationship. I believed that by putting the two practices together, we could form a common bond from which the two lonely nationalities can learn from each other, fostering a virtual love triangle across the world.

The current customer service situation could also just be a ploy for cheaper labor. However, that’s a whole different news report altogether.

NPR Female Voice: “Oh, these Schweddy Balls really are cold. How long did you leave them out?”

NPR Male Voice: “Well, it’s been awhile… Sometimes if I don’t get them out every once in awhile, they start to turn blue.”

NPR Female Voice: “Blue Balls? Oh, honey… whenever I’m around, I can promise you will never have blue balls again! (giggles)”

NPR Male Voice: (Laughs gently)

Ben & Jerry’s ice cream has brought the famous Schweddy Balls skit to life with their newest flavor… you guessed it, Schweddy Balls! The basic ingredients are vanilla ice cream with fudge-covered rum and milk chocolate balls.

“We’ve always been a company that has had a sense of humor,” said Sean Greenwood about his Schweddy Balls (ice cream). “This is just plain silly.”

Yes it is… but I’m loving it. You’ll find it at about one-third of the stores that normally sell Ben & Jerry’s. The other two-thirds… Well, I guess you could just say, they don’t (didn’t) have the balls.

And in case you’ve forgot about this skit, starring Alec Baldwin, as Pete Schweddy, the host of Delicious Dish. You can check out the Ben & Jerry’s Facebook page, where you can send clips of the original broadcast to friends and family, or just click “play” below.

Enjoy your balls! And if you don’t have any of your own… see if you can borrow somebody else’s to enjoy!

The Surgeon General has found that cell phones may be hazardous to your health, including phones that are held near your brain, found nearby while sleeping, ingested, lit on fire, leaped on with bare feet, in use while filling your gas tank, and typed on while crossing a busy street.

If cell phones are so dangerous, they should take them away along with the rest of the cap guns, fireworks, and sparkle sticks.  It won’t be long before we’re smuggling flatulence over the borders just to celebrate the 4th of July.  You bring the beans… I’ll supply the matches!

Folks, folks… what is this new product you ask?

It is neither a cream, foam, liquid, natural, synthetic, or perishable. It is not healthy, harmful, doctor recommended, or whale tested. It may be purple… it may even be great… but the most important thing you need to know, is it’s stuff.

So, what more could you ask for. Buy it, damn it!

After getting kicked out of the Victoria’s Secret with Mickey Rourke, Charlie Sheen, and Richard Simmons for impersonating men, I knew I’d better step up my game or risk being labeled a dork for the rest of my life. I threw out Jon Gosselin’s party line, Lindsay Lohan’s ‘pick me up I’m drunk’ help line, and set out to hang with a brand new batch of D-listers.

Afternoon Shopping with Paris Hilton-

Saturday afternoon I got a call from Paris whining about Tinkerbell’s outdated wardrobe. While not the kind of D-Lister I had in mind, I didn’t have anything else to do, so I grabbed my coat, and told her to meet me at the pet store in a half hour. Before she could start whining again, I hung up on her and dialed Mike Tyson’s cell to confirm we were still on for breakfast in the morning.

I got to the store and Paris was waiting outside underneath an oak tree with Tinkerbell. She had her pouty face, and I could tell she was in no mood for jokes. We walked around the store for four hours without saying a word. Just as we were about to leave, she found a perfect commando dog jacket, to go with her commando underwear. With a giggle and twinkle in her eye, she asked if I wanted to come back to her apartment to watch home movies. I had to respectfully decline, however, as I was already late for Margaritas with Snooki.

Margaritas With Snooki-

I had just entered the bar and noticed Snooki was passed out underneath a bar stool where a fat biker was seated. He was resting his heel on her chin and tapping on her forehead to the beat of La Bamba. There was a piece of gum stuck to his boot, and every now and then it would dislodge and stick to her nose for a few taps, before disappearing again.

I asked him kindly if I could borrow his footrest for a bit, as I was supposed to have a couple drinks with it. He looked down at Snooki, hesitated a moment, and then noticed the “I *heart* Snooki” t-shirt I was wearing. He snickered and mumbled something about needing to get the hell out of this town, and pushed her lifeless body to the center isle. I dragged her over to an empty seat, made sure she was breathing, and enjoyed a lovely conversation with myself. As she was coming to, I realized it was getting late, so I dropped her back under the stool and bid them both farewell.

Sunday Breakfast with Mike Tyson-

I got to the IHOP about fifteen minutes early. Mike was sitting on a bench with a group of pigeons circling his head. He was sitting with his legs crossed and hands resting on his knees, meditation style. As I approached closer, I could see a pile of bird droppings on his head that looked as if they’d been collecting there since yesterday. He heard my footsteps and waved me over with a toothsome grin.

“Wife kick you out again,” I said, dodging a couple bird bombs as they splattered on the sidewalk. “Yeah,” he replied as he headed for the front door. We sat down and both had a mountain of pancakes with extra syrup. “Those good,” I asked. “Yeah,” he replied. We finished up, wiped the syrup from our chin, paid the waitress, and started out towards the parking lot. “Same time next week?” I asked. “Yea—,” he squeaked, slipping on a pile of droppings and pancaking three or four pigeons underneath his massive rear end.

How much do you really know about Jaime Pressly? She’s got a great body, sultry blonde hair, great bazooms, nice long legs, a firm butt… What are we forgetting?

“There’s more to me than my long blonde hair and my little dancer body,” Jaime defiantly exclaims. You know, she’s absolutely right. While she may haven gained popularity with her looks, what has held her in the limelight for the past ten years is so much more than that. We are talking about her spirit, strength, confidence, charm, boldness, and most certainly her sense of humor. She would not be who she is today without her life experiences. To understand who Jaime is, we must start from the beginning.

“I don’t want to be the Hollywood girl,” Jaime has told her fans. “I’m Southern and old-fashioned.” Jaime was born as, Jaime Elizabeth Pressly in the hot summer month of July, in 1977. She grew up in the small town of Kinston, located on in the inner banks of North Carolina, USA. This makes Jaime a sweet Southern bell whose Leo influence obviously tarnished the silver lining of her pony tails, leaving only two big brass ovaries, of which she proudly displays whenever asked about her true roots.

“I’m a Leo,” bursts Jaime. “People just didn’t see me as this sweet, vulnerable, innocent girl—they saw me as the strong, tough, whatever, who could play the bit** well, and bit**es are fun to play, they really are.” She is a proud Leo. In fact, on the small of her back, tattooed in blue Japanese letters, is the insignia of the powerful Leo lion. “Healthy, Strong, and Brave” is what the letters read. She also wears a Leo sign necklace and has a mural painted on a wall in her home, which was crafted out of multiple Leo symbols. Her Leo attitude has got her in trouble a number of times, such as when she met up with an arch nemesis from her childhood in California several years ago.

“She hit me in the face with a beer bottle, so I beat the crap out of her. I hit her so hard, I broke one knuckle and dislocated another.” Yes, unlike the typical Southern bell, who would gather their dolls around the tea table in their best dress and talk about sugar, spice and everything nice, she preferred to climb trees, play with frogs, snails, worms, grasshoppers, go fishing, and dance. She loves to dance, as if you couldn’t already tell by her “chicken legs”, as her father used to call her long and muscular thighs. Jaime trained in the art of dance and gymnastics for 11 years before trading it in for a career in modeling.

As a teenager, in the midst of relationship problems between her parents, Jaime traveled overseas to Italy and Japan during an International Cover Model Search. In the USA, Jaime had very limited success as a model, but in Japan and Italy, the advertisers loved the young bombshell. This gave her the confidence she needed to eventually emancipate herself from the turmoil of her parents ongoing divorce and go out on her own as a legal adult at the tender age of 15.

It wasn’t until 1997 that Jaime realized her true calling as a film starlet when she was offered the role as the seductive “Violet” in the third installment of the Poison Ivy motion picture trilogy. “I hate that movie,” Jaime Pressly has told the media. “When I signed on, there were supposed to be two quick nude scenes, but when the producers saw me naked, all of a sudden I was naked in every scene—now it’s always on cable—a nightmare that won’t go away.” Rumors have suggested that Jaime posed nude as a body double for Drew Barrymore in the previous Poison Ivy film, although she denies it, telling Playboy magazine, “People say I body-doubled her (Drew) and it was my boobs and my a** in the movie instead of hers, but that isn’t the case—I haven’t had a body double myself, but I’m not opposed to it.”

However, even if those first couple glimpses of that 19-year-old hard body were false, we wouldn’t have to wait long to see the real goods. In 1998, Playboy featured the lovely Jaime in her first nude layout, which is probably still imprinted on the bottoms of thousands of mattress pads once belonging to teen boys across the world. Even so, since Jaime did not want to become just another pinup girl, it was not long after her first success with Poison Ivy: The New Seduction, that she was given a role in the teeny-bopper flicks, Can’t Hardly Wait and Ringmaster (staring Jerry Springer).

1998 was also the infamous year rumors began to fly that the playmate had pulled a Britney Spears/Carmen Electra and married some dude she hardly knew by the name of Brodie Mitchell. It seemed to work for previous gals to get attention, so why not give it a try. Since then, she has admitted that she had heard of who he is, but did not actually personally know him. It turned out, this Brodie guy just wanted to claim first bragging rights to the beauty and spread these rumors through the grapevine, of which most media members were only too happy to oblige.

In 1999, Jaime emerged as a swinging single and in the limelight once again in the WB network hit, Jack & Jill. She found herself quickly becoming a teen idol and a common household name. Continuing with her teen focused success, in 2001, she accepted a role in the motion picture which humorously admitted its focus audience in the title, Not Another Teen Movie. She also played a part in David Spades, Joe Dirt, that same year. In 2004, she was appeared in the high-octane motorcycle thriller, Torque, and by this time, the blonde bombshell had found her way onto the Hollywood fast track!

Everybody wants to keep the blonde hair and make me up like a Barbie Doll—I can’t stand that, you know,” exclaims Jaime. “I’d rather be in flip-flops and a wife beater with my hair pulled back in a hat, quite frankly.” Deep down, inside we all crave to be a toothless hillbilly, tucked away back against a rustic mountainside with a rusty steel-blue trailer, a rusty Ford pickup without tires, a balding mullet, and rust colored dog named Earl. Well, she may not be balding, has all her teeth, and doesn’t exactly live in a trailer, but she did have a trailer trash ex-boyfriend, in one of her most successful projects, the award winning television series, My Name is Earl, staring Jason Lee.

Jaime has been a MILF now for several years with long time friend, ex-lover, and Cuban concubine, DJ Eric Cubiche. We are regretfully sad for Eric, but happy for us guys to report he’s out of the picture. But at least he has all those golden memories, and most importantly he should never forget Jaime’s golden blurb, “We make good babies!” Your music may be on the downside, your chick maybe in the arms of another, but at least you can take comfort in the fact that you can make a baby!

The news of the separation came to no particular surprise, when you consider that a few months earlier she had been quoted as saying, “I don’t want to go through the rigmarole of throwing a big wedding,” in reference to the couple’s future. Let this be a lesson, Eric. Women love to get married, they dream of it their entire lives. They have had it planned out since the tender age of five. What the color of the napkins are going to be, the type of little sprinkles and stuff that are going to be on the reception tables, and the expression they will make when their prince charming smashes a giant slab of cake into their face.

The moment your future bride starts using the word “rigmarole” with the same sentence along with “wedding”, you might as well start throwing your own stuff out onto the curb. Tear your face out of all the photos and put rabbit ears and ink goobers on all the photos you can’t cut your head out of, because it’s over. End of story, kaput, done, demolished! Not even watching Oprah Winfrey could save your relationship once it has transgressed to this point.

Jaime continues to spread her wings, garnishing her accomplishments in dance, modeling, acting, business entrepreneurship, producing (film, Death To The Supermodels), and lest we forget, making great babies!

(Story originally appeared in Urban Male Magazine)

Unless you’ve spent the past ten years with your head planted in the back of a turnip truck, you’ve probably seen this beauty in action at least somewhere. If not on the big screen, then perhaps in the magazines, on advertising billboards, or on the multiple talk shows she has appeared on. She is quickly becoming one of the most “unknown” leading ladies in Hollywood.

We say unknown, as while Tricia has enjoyed supermodel status, movies, and television series roles, her name is still relatively a mystery in many circles. Perhaps it is her down home “girl next door” personality that keys her in below the daily escapades of some other tabloid princesses prancing around. But that is okay with us, as there are still plenty of great things to come from this little girl and she has only just begun her rise to stardom. She is actually quite surprised by her success level and chooses to hold her spotlight with grace and a certain element of mystery.

Of course every girl next door needs just enough bad mixed in with the good to keep the cobwebs off of their hooters and Playboy has made darn sure of that. In fact, we can’t recall much of anything getting in the way of her gorgeous breasts in her February 2007 debut. The photos turned out gorgeous and were actually as tasteful as any other bare butt baby picture you’ve ever seen, except considering this babe is thirty years her own senior, they will probably not be a welcome edition to the family album.

Speaking of the family, they were all brought in on the decision for her to do the Playboy layout. Her Mom, Dad, and husband were 100% behind her and supportive all the way, as were most of her loyal and faithful male fans. Tricia wanted to make sure that her immediate family would be okay with it and that it wouldn’t spoil Christmas every year. You know, the kind of thing where Uncle Dave drags out the Playboy spread every year at the dinner table, while Aunt Betty storms out of the house with her curlers and pumpkin pie.

And yes, you heard me right, she has a husband and he is just a regular guy as you and me. She didn’t meet him during a film, he is not a celebrity hairdresser, race car driver, or prince from England, he is Johnathon Marshal, a lawyer she met while at a mutual friend’s birthday party. While her career keeps them apart much of the time, she publicly praises him and their close and playful relationship. So, just keep dreaming guys, perhaps your chance at a supermodel actress girlfriend is just around the next farmers market or sci-fi convention.

If ever there was a poster girl to represent the product of farm raised goodness, Tricia Helfer would probably be one of our choice selects. She grew up on a small farm in Alberta, Canada, where she was changing tires and driving tractors into ditches long before trying to annihilate humanoids on the television show, Battlestar Galactica.

So how did this little country cutie become the next hottest thing out of Canada beyond Elisha Cuthbert? Well, she went to a movie. Actually, she was standing in line for the movie when Kelly Streitwhile, a local model agent, picked her out of the lineup and destined her for greatness. It was the year 1992, at the tender age of eighteen when she won the Ford ‘Supermodel of the World’ contest and Elite Model Management offered her a contract.

From this point on, Tricia became synonymous with the likes of such designers as Ralph Lauren, Giorgio Armani, Christian Dior, John Galliano and Dolce & Gabbana. She appeared in Flare, ELLE, Vogue, Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Maxim, and today, hopefully one of her greater honors, your very own Spring Edition of Urban Male Magazine.

She was one one of our most carefully guarded secrets until she moved to Los Angeles in 2002 to begin her acting career. Starting with two episodes of Jeremiah, one CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, and the film White Rush, she slowly worked her way down to the path of the character, Number Six, the sexy cyborg (a.k.a. Cylon) of the new generation Battlestar Galactica. Nobody would have ever guessed what a success the show would become, considering the corny origins of the original 1970′s series. But it did, and Tricia can be found every week in a new episode of the final and fourth season through the tail end of this summer.

Tricia is a bit sensitive about her character role as Number Six. She finds it hard to be called “evil” by her fans and have her costume and wig criticized. She insists in most of her interviews that she is actually a good character, even though it may not appear so on the surface. She has actually spent many a night on the Internet reading over fans comments on her character and stirring over about it. It has gotten to the point where her husband teasingly forbids her from using the computer some nights just to keep her from getting her feelings hurt.

Fear not Tricia, we love you!

Tricia has proven herself over these short couple of years as a very convincing and capable leading lady. She is so much more than just a pretty face with great breasts… and yes dear fans, they are real and they are definitely spectacular! But don’t just take our word for it—have a gander for yourselves!

(Story originally appeared in Urban Male Magazine)

Pamela Anderson has been criticized since her stardom for her choice in men. Some critics claim that she falls in love too quickly like a glazed eye school girl, following her heart rather than looking at the reality of what a working relationship is supposed to be. Her Relationship with Tommy Lee began as one such school girl fairy tale. For those of you too young to remember Tommy Lee, he was the drummer and youngest member of the 80′s hair band, Motley Crue. Pam had only known Tommy four days before she married him. They met the day after Valentines Day, and were married February 19th of 1995. What better way to celebrate the month of love than with an impromptu marriage with a hard rocker who has tossed more groupies than Roseanne Barr has tossed Twinkie wrappers.

While most could have guessed the couple would never make it, Pamela claimed that she was never more happy and miserable at the same time when she was with Tommy. He was certainly a handful, as the couple could have practically had their own hit television show featured at the Los Angeles County Courthouse for the number of times they made an appearance there. Their first starring role was as a rambunctious honeymooning couple battling a pornographer for the sale of their X-rated honeymoon home video. A bit down the road, the couple became a tragic black comedy of domestic abuse, as Tommy pleaded “no contest” for striking Pamela during a fight over a frying pan of all things.

The climax to this non-fairytale-like relationship ended in the true fashion of a tragic drama when the custody of their two sons had to be decided over a whirlwind of accusations of abuse, alcohol, and lies. Tommy describes his relationship with Pamela best with his famous quote, “There’s always a storm cloud lurking in the distance, waiting to fu** up everything good and perfect.” While their relationship was certainly far from perfect, Pamela would agree with there being some good parts. She was rumored to have been in the midst of giving him a second, err, make that his third, fifth, seventh… or more like his 800^th chance this summer. Quite frankly, I lost count at number five, but they were living together again and hinting that this may just be the 801^st charm they needed.

But as their past would dictate, by the time this article is published they may have already been engaged, married, divorced, engaged again, married, reconciled, annulled, and then sleeping together casually. Pamela is taking her time to get to know Tommy the way she should have from the beginning. She appears to be waiting to see if he is going to go bipolar on her again, head spinning around, tattoos melting off his body, over some dilemma such as whether the cooking temperature of their Christmas bird should be taken from its neck or its a**. But for the sake of their kids, Brandon (11) and Dylan (10), we hope they can keep it together one day. But this may not be the year.

While rumors tend to surround Pamela like Geritol at a Motley Crue concert, last we heard, the couple was once again separate and on the prowl. Tommy has been sighted getting his HID-on with Daisey De La Hoya, while Pamela is rumored to be getting close with a member of the Abu Dhabi royal family. While we can’t attest to any of these rumors, this is typical of the soap opera Pammy has been living and her choice of men seems to be a partial force to some of these outlandish tales. But not every guy Pamela has dated has been bad for her.

After Tommy, supermodel Marcus Schenkenberg stepped-in asking Pam for her hand in marriage. While he was by all accounts a pretty decent guy, Pamela has always preferred the bad boys. It wasn’t long before pretty boy Schenkenberg was out and Kid Rock was in and life with the Kid was certainly no bowl of cherries. By 2003, the couple had already been engaged and broken up more times than a closet bound postal service transvestite. With much the same on again, off again routine as she experienced with Tommy, the Kid and Pam went through a series of reconciling acts until July 18^th of 2006, of which it was announced the couple would wed on the 28^th of that same month.

Kid pulled up his favorite ratty pair of jeans, while Pam dawned her favorite white string bikini and they were married on a yacht near St. Tropez, France. After what seemed forever as celebrity marriages go (4 months), the couple split under irreconcilable differences. It was later rumored the split was over a Kid Rock temper tantrum over a short scene of Tommy and Pam’s X-rated honeymoon video shown in the movie, Borat. But all is good in love and war, as Rick Solomon swooped in soon after to console his friend of 15 years and ended up marrying her in the process.

The Sex Tape Super Duo, Pamela with her Tommy video and Rick with his Paris Hilton romp, promised one heck on an encore performance for fans if they could have stayed together long enough to have dragged out the home video camera. But it was to no avail. After their October 6^th, 2007 wedding, multiple disagreements, break-ups, and make-up sessions, their relationship ended rather abruptly December 14^th, just two short months after their “I do”. Where did that leave Pammy? It basically left her back with her five children, Dylon, Brandon, Tommy, Poncho (right breast), and lefty (you guessed it). It also left her with a rather philosophical view of her life, as was seen in this blog entry she posted on her website just a few days after her split with Solomon:

“The choices I have to make now are about quality of life and meaning. Not about money or fame for no good reason. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But no regrets—Just living such a huge dream… I’m blessed. So many options. I can’t complain. I can be confused.”

While Pamela’s relationships have been a guiding force to who she is, there is actually so much more to her than we have elated to so far. She is confident, insecure, intelligent, naïve, a good Mom, loved, hated, grounded, and sometimes a little “whacked” (as she has been known to call herself). She truly sees her life as being a giant roller coaster and she has been in the front taking the brunt of all its ups and downs, but enjoying every minute of it. While She is confident in the path she has chosen, she has also hinted to certain insecurities about herself, such as her sex symbolism. Pam does not like to see herself in the mirror or watch herself on television. It is somewhat of a phobia, but it shows her ultimate fear of her own mortality as a youthful blond bombshell.

She has reached her forties, and while she is still beautiful, her Hollywood star is more than half spent. Something that every Hollywood starlet must face one day. When Pamela turned forty, she wanted to do it up right by declaring a new found celibacy. She then sealed it with a small tattoo of an unopened clam placed on the small of her back. She called this her new religion, of which she hasn’t been faithful to since she was around eight years old she claims. Most would have to wonder how this religion is working out as she continues to be seen with new men, but her tattoo artist has been quoted as waiting ready and steady for that call to “open that clam.”

Well, the joke is on him because Pam announced this summer that she was going to have all her tattoos removed. That will take care of that pesky clam, as well as rid a few other pesky memories, such as Tommy, who Pamela claims gave her Hepatitis C after sharing needles for some of her artwork. Her more momentous tattoos to date are still her “Tommy” tattoo, which was later changed to “Mommy”, and her barbed wire around her left arm, symbolic of her film Barb Wire.

To all you vegans who look to Pammy more for her words of wisdom on animal rights, than the wizardry of Poncho and Lefty swaying over a tropical breeze. “You can control what goes in your mouth, they say,” explained Pamela during an interview with Radar magazine. “However, we’ve all made bad choices.” Yes Pammy, I’d say this quote works for you on a couple of fronts!

(Originally appeared in Urban Male Magazine)

Then I met a man who had no feet (but shoes).
I bought the shoes from him for 50 percent off the going price on eBay, and resold them on Craigslist for four times what I paid. I used the profits to purchase the best darn shoes ever made. They were custom embroidered, with the signatures of every great rock star who ever lived. Eventually a collector came along, and I sold them for millions of dollars and bought my own shoe company. I then used my wealth to marry the most beautiful woman, who has since divorced me, taking my company and the vast majority of my fortune.

Moral: It doesn’t matter what you do, you will always be shoeless and crying!

Born from a hairdresser and cosmetics executive on June 1, 1973 in Cologne, Germany, Heidi Klum’s choices in life were obviously not far from becoming a supermodel. It was either that or a fashion designer, but when was the last time you’ve seen a designer with a pair of hooters like that? Exactly, so she went the modeling route. She was actually initially tempted by a $300,000 modeling contract while in high school through a New York agency after sending in a few snapshots of herself.

She turned down the contract offer in order to receive her diploma and attend a fashion designer school instead. You hear that kiddies, stay in school! Heidi managed to stay there for almost a year, until that $300,000 started calling her name through the thin walls of her cheap dorm apartment. She packed up both hooters, a bottle of hair bleach, her baby teeth (we’ll explain later), and headed off to Miami, Florida to find her fame and fortune the old fashion way… billboard and runway intercourse, of course!

Heidi has lived a very interesting life. She was initially married at 23 to Ric Pipino, who was, you guessed it, a hairdresser. This old man proposed to her atop the Empire State Building and they were wed soon after. Ric was a good sport and agreed to several German wedding traditions, such as sawing a log in half with a two-handled blade and climbing a ladder to retrieve a wooden stork placed above the window of their bridal suite.

The German tradition of sawing the log in half was used to symbolize the couples life-long ability to work well together. The wooden stork, well, let’s just say was meant to guarantee Ric would be able to provide children from the ‘fruitiness’ of his loins. Neither tradition had any positive effect and it took Heidi five years to come to her senses to dump Ric for some better company. When she did, she made another poor choice and hooked up with the lead singer of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Anthony Keidis, and then formula-1 bad boy, Flavio Briatore.

Flavio and Heidi had a wonderfully trusting and publicized few months together. That is until he was photographed copping a feel from jewelry heiress, Fiona Swarovski. Unfortunately, his seed had already planted in Heidi’s womb, and not long before the couple broke apart (for obvious reasons), Flavio became a daddy.

Flavio didn’t want the responsibility, so musical artist, Seal, saw his chance and stepped in. It wasn’t long after their dating introduction that Seal popped the big question and on May 10, 2005, the couple sealed (no pun intended) the deal. They consummated their vows on a beach in Mexico and have thus remained together for several glorious baby making years. Today, they have three children. Helene “Leni” Klum (child of Heidi and Flavio), Henry Gunther Ademola Dashtu Samuel, and Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel… (it will take hours to call these kids down to supper).

Heidi Klum’s can best be described as having sex appeal with just about everything she does, walking, talking, eating, dancing, and even changing dirty diapers. But her real sexuality comes from her quirky personality. Heidi has been known to dance around juggling her own breasts while bantering in broken English about how much she loves those, “great knockers.” At one time she even named both of her breasts to help us North Americans keep them straight. “Zeez are German breasts yah? Ze left one is named Hanz and the right, Franz,” she would say, or was that the other way around.

Today, she claims her smile has always been her favorite ‘part’ of her body, but we question that as she hasn’t exactly named each one of her teeth now has she. She travels with goldfish in her diaper bag, has her own pregnant dance, can yodel better than Tarzan himself, and has a bag of baby teeth (her own baby teeth), of which she carries with her everywhere she goes for good luck!

But I’ve left out one of the most important aspects of being Heidi Klum. Yeah, she’s hot, but so are a lot of women. Where Heidi really stands out is from her infamous rein as a Victoria Secret angel. It took four years of traditional fashion modeling from Heidi’s humble beginnings before she was offered a runway stint for Victoria. But once her name appeared with the likes of veteran angels, Tyra Banks, Stephanie Seymour, and Helena Christensen, Heidi’s career catapulted into supermodel status. It was 1997 when Heidi first became an angel and then just one year later she was given the honor of appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated, with Hanz and Franz flexing their behemoth bulges.

Today, Heidi has been appropriately nicknamed “The Body”. In addition to this bestowed title she has had everything but had an all out scratch fest with ex-Victorian, Elle Macpherson, in the attempts to declare who is the rightful title holder. You see, Elle claims she was given the name back in the eighties, while Heidi recently unveiled the name in 2005 along with her new bra line. Ladies, ladies… nobody cares who was the original ‘body’–You’ve both got great ones and that’s all that really matters. So, put your French manicured nail extensions away, ease those straining Botox brows and take pride in the fact that you’ve both become multimillionaires out of the simplicity of a nice face and great cans!

But all models must eventually come to the realization that looks are only as deep as the first few decades of their life, and Heidi has been slowly moving away from modeling and towards television and film acting. When I say acting however, I am not talking Shakespeare. She has been seen in Sex and the City, Spin City, How I Met Your Mother, and bit movie parts, like The Devil Wears Prada. She also has a couple of reality shows under her belt, such as Project Runway and Germany’s Next Topmodel.

You may also recognize her in a few popular video games, such as the 2004 James Bond: Everything or Nothing, where she played the evil German villain Dr. Katya Nadanova. ‘The body’ can also sing too, or at least carry a tune as we found from her debut television commercial single titled “Wonderland”. She has also been featured in a duet with hubby Seal from his 2007 System album, called “Wedding Day”.

Heidi is not only sexy, quirky, talented, and physically well-endowed; she also has a great sense of humor. She has appeared in the television series, Malcolm in the Middle, as a toothless hockey player, participated in a naked cooking show, and gone on the Ellen DeGeneres Show and made fun of Britney Spears who crashed her Halloween Bash party last year. Britney apparently cornered Heidi and ended up instructing her on how to strap a disposable diaper onto her newly born sons rear-end:

“We were talking about babies and diapers and she explained to me a lot of things about diapers I didn’t know. You know those sticky things on the side? I never knew they were there. To close them in the front I was always putting string around. I had no idea. It’s very clever.” (Ellen DeGeneres Show, 2007)

The shows comedy act backfired slightly, as fans began to throw the video all over Youtube claiming her as just another dumb blond. But Heidi is certainly anything but dumb. She has been ranked in Forbes as one of the top 100 celebrity powers of the world and furthermore she isn’t even a ‘real’ blond. Supermodels shall forever come and go, but very few last the test of time and beauty and find their way across magazine covers long after their baby making years. But Heidi is something special, she has taught us that beyond every silver lining is a little tarnish, but it all wipes away if you allow yourself the space to make the failures that lead to your eventual success!