What if you knew the key to happiness was a choice, a state of mind, a specific call to action, and a particular way of conducting life’s decisions? I’m not talking about a magic formula for creating wealth, health, or fame, as studies show these have no more effect over happiness, then a placebo does. In actuality, happiness can be enjoyed whether you’re rich, poor, handsome, or homely.

While trying to understand the secret behind living life to the fullest, I turned to Dr. George E. Vaillant, MD, author of Spiritual Evolution: How We Are Wired For Faith, Hope And Love. Vaillant is also the director of a massive Harvard University study, involving over 72 years of following hundreds of men as they ventured through college, war, career, marriage, parenthood, divorce, old age, and occasionally death.

Dr. Vaillant witnessed the life stages of these men through a combination of questionnaires and intense physical examinations. He noted their moments of greatest strength, health, and happiness, and has whittled all this research down into one, singularly, important statement, Happiness is love—full stop.

Happiness is Love
“The only thing that really matters in life is your relations to other people,” says Dr. Vaillant. Does this mean that all you have to do is fall in love, and everything will fall into place? Well, no, actually, love is a much more complex feeling, woven into our lives in many shapes and forms, including child/parent bonding, early childhood friendships, and intimacy. In order to understand how to use this article to gain greater happiness, you have to start with a bigger understanding of yourself.

“Aging happy and well—is at least under some personal control,” suggests Dr. Vaillant. In other words, in order to bask in the joys of love, we must first make the right Individual choices.

• Coping Mechanisms- Immature defenses (narcissism, hypochondria, blame), impede the growth of intimate relationships, and reduce the chance of finding love. Adaptive defenses (anticipation, humor, altruism) create higher quality relationships.
• Smoking/Alcohol- Smoking and drinking to excess not only damages health, thus reducing the quality of life, it also damages relationships. Abusers blame the loss of love on addiction, when in fact, the addiction is what drives friends and loved ones away.
• Weight/Exercise- Regular exercise predicts good mental health more than it does good physical health, in part because it is associated with having someone to workout with. Poor bodily health is more often the result of poor psychological health (depression).
• Attitude- “A cardinal rule for happiness, is not to think less of ourselves, but to think of ourselves less,” says Dr. Vaillant. “Happiness isn’t about (you).” The moment you make happiness a goal, the competition you create negates any possibility of finding true joy.

Setting the Record Straight: Happiness vs. Wealth!
You can’t discuss the capacity for happiness without throwing the money card in the ring. The majority of men who garnished the most wealth in the Harvard study, were also the happiest and well adjusted. The problem with the above statement, is money had little to do with the observed outcomes. The monetary reward was only a side effect for those who already had good relationships and healthy coping mechanisms.

Regardless of ones socioeconomic status, the men in the Harvard study who had a loving childhood and empathetic coping mechanisms, reported twice the income as those with poor childhood relationships and immature coping mechanisms. “Adolescent social class, intelligence, politics, and constitution meant relatively little to successful aging (life) in the Harvard graduates,” concludes Dr. Vaillant. “In contrast, capacity for empathic relationships predicted a great deal.”

If you’ve labored under the rule that happiness rests in the hands of fate and choices already made for you, perhaps it’s time to envision a world where joy lies within your own decision to love and be loved. When all is said in done, happiness comes not from the years you have added to your life, but the life you’ve added to your years!

(Article originally appeared in Urban Male Magazine)

The idiom, drop in the bucket, refers to the idea that most things in life are only a very small portion of the whole. Kick the bucket, references death by imagining yourself standing on a bucket with a noose tied around your neck. Once the bucket is ‘kicked’, well, you can imagine the outcome. But where does the term, bucket list, come from? Some say it originates from the movie, “The Bucket List (2007),” starring Jack Nickolson and Morgan Freeman. Others say it is a hybrid of the previous mentioned idioms. Imagine life as a collection of small ‘drops’ of experiences gathered in a bucket, and at the end of that time, our buckets are spilled over, highlighting the most important memories.

If you died tomorrow and your top 10 highlights were flashed before your eyes, do you think you’d be satisfied with what you saw? We teamed up with Julia Dimon (Traveljunkiejulia.com), travel expert and host of several popular television shows, including Word Travels (City TV, OLN, Travel Channel UK), Destination Getaways (MSNBC), and Outside Today, to help us decide what world experiences are truly worthy of anyone’s list. From gentle solitude to the rush of adrenaline, these are the 10 drops of life we’d most like to remember when our own buckets are knocked from our feet.

1. Heaven on Earth

Cost: $1,000/person for 5-days accommodations—not including airfare and dining.

“Zanzibar, off the coast of Tanzania is one of my favorite places,” says Julia. “It’s a perfect combination of African culture, white sand beaches, fresh seafood, and a ‘hakunamatata’ vibe.” The saying, You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all, may describe your uncle in boxer shorts, but it certainly does not even come close to describing the spirit and imagery of Tofu Beach, Mozambique. “It’s amazing,” exclaims Julia. “You will spend the day eating fresh mangoes and snorkeling with manta rays and whale sharks in the Indian Ocean.”

2. Best Sunrise/Sunset

Cost: Free to see (yes, some things are still free).

The most beautiful sunset Julia has ever experienced, was over the Valley of the Moon in Chile’s Atacama Desert. “In the winter, at around 6:30 PM, the sky gives rise to a rainbow of watercolor reds, oranges, and purples,” describes Julia, in awe of her own imagery. “A warm hue illuminates the million-year-old mountain ranges that jet out from sand dunes like spines of prehistoric reptiles—a millennia of desert winds have sculpted stones and sand formations, and the colors look more like the inside of a gobstopper candy.”

3. Celebrate Life!

Cost: $300 tickets, but you also have to consider food, accommodations, costumes, and water (it’s hot).

Get out with some people who really know how to party! Burning Man (www.burningman.com) is held annually at Black Rock Desert, located 120 miles north of Reno, Nevada. It kicks off the week prior to Labor Day, and climaxes on the Saturday before Labor Day when “the man” is burned (don’t worry, it’s not a real man). “I just went last year and it’s truly a once-in-a-lifetime must experience,” says Julia. “For one week, some 50,000 costume-clad visitors travel from all over the world to celebrate humanity, creativity, music, nudity, charity and chemically induced happiness, celebrated to the beat of throbbing techno.”

4. Do the Bizarre

Cost: $5

If you’re looking for the perfect way to solidify your status as a bad-ass, look no father than Dawson City, Yukon, home of the sour-toe cocktail (www.sourtoecocktailclub.com). “I’m a card carrying member,” Julia says proudly. The way it works, is after a speech and ceremony performed by an equally bad-ass, sour-toe member, Captain Dick, you’re given a drink (preferably whiskey or beer) with a severed toe swaying along the bottom. “You chug the thing back and the toe has to touch your lips,” describes Julia. Be careful, though, as several toes have been lost via unintentional swallowing.

5. Where the Wild Things ‘Really’ Are

Cost: $10,000 minimum—airfare not included.

Getting up close and personal with some of the worlds most majestic animals, will not only bring a better understanding of nature, but will bring your own life into greater perspective. Trekking with the 400 lb silverback mountain gorillas in Uganda, will certainly serve as a reminder to respect your relatives (ancient relatives). An alternative to the Uganda heat, would be the serene chill of the Antarctic glaciers, while viewing penguins and sea elephants from the front row seat of your own sea kayak. “I’ll be crossing this off my list in January with the company Antarctic Dream (www.antarctic.cl/web_eng),” gloats Julia.

6. Exhilaration of Adrenaline

Cost: $85 for the day (once you’re there).

One of Julia’s most exhilarating experiences to date, is throwing herself off Zambezi Gorge in Zambia (www.thezambeziswing.com), then swinging back and forth like a pendulum across the Zambezi river. “You’re looking down and it’s quite terrifying,” describes Julia. “It is one of the biggest adrenaline rushes!” If swinging from a gorge is beyond your fear factor, perhaps Zorbing (www.zorb.com) down a hill in a giant inflatable hamster ball will be more to your liking. Located in either the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee (USA) or in Rotorua, New Zealand, this experience is a reminder of what fun is all about!

7. Road Warrior

Cost: $349 for the Dragster Experience, and $1,500 for the Rickshaw Run.

Professional racer, Doug Foley, has developed a dragster program (www.dougfoley.com/), offering the thrill of professional racing. The course includes instructions, safety equipment, two ‘smokey’ burnouts, and two hard launches down a professional track. A road worthy alternative is a 5000 km journey across India’s treacherous roadways on a 150cc Rickshaw. The Rickshaw Run (www.rickshawrun.theadventurists.com) is a slow paced, but highly eventful two week road trip through dessert, jungle, and the Himalayan Mountains (that is, if you’ve got the guts and believe in your rickshaw).

8. Out of this World

Cost: $12,000 (MIG tours) to $200,000 (Virgin Galactic).

Book a space voyage on the Virgin Galactic (www.virgingalactic.com), which includes sub-orbit time, allowing passengers six minutes of weightless floating around the cabin of the plane. If $200,000 is a bit too steep, Incredible Adventures (www.incredible-adventures.com) will take you to the edge of space at a fraction of the cost ($12,000 to $50,000) aboard a MIG-31 Foxhound jet. Passengers will soar 68,000 feet about the earth’s surface, while also being given the opportunity to take control of the mighty MIG. These ships set sail in New Mexico (Virgin), Russia, and Cape Town, Florida.

9. Fear Factor

Cost: $150/person

Some people say one of the most pivotal moments of life is a brush with death. Such an experience makes most other fears in life pale by comparison. “Crocosaurus (www.crocosauruscove.com/) in Darwin, Australia looks bad ass,” exclaims Julia, fantasizing about setting foot inside the “Cage of Death”. “I’m really excited to do this one!” There are not many places you can come face to face with a one-ton salt water croc and live to tell about it. Their secret is the plastic cage with which the human morsel (you) is placed, before being dunked in the crocodile pool.

10. Testing Your Limits

Cost: Bolivia Death Road $103/person, 5-day Great Wall of China Marathon package $1,200.

For some, testing their limits is all you can eat buffet. For others it’s letting gravity take hold as they sail down “The World’s Most Dangerous Road” (www.gravitybolivia.com), with nothing more than a pair of handlebars between their face and the dirt. This downhill trek begins in the chilly mountains of Bolivia, ending 11,800 feet down in the steamy jungles of the Amazon. A less dangerous challenge, although just as physically grueling, is the Great Wall Marathon (www.great-wall-marathon.com). Experience the most historically, astonishing sights in China, while pumping your leg muscles over the 5,164 steps of the Great Wall.

(Article originally appeared in the winter issue of Urban Male Magazine)

You can call it Armageddon, 2012, Mayan Prophecy, The Dark Planet, or simply, the end of the world. Hollywood has already taken its stance on the last days of mankind, and it’s been described in such films as 2012 (sixth mass extinction), I Am Legend (Pandemic), Armageddon (asteroid impact), Independence Day (alien invasion), The Day After Tomorrow (global warming), and The Day the Earth Stood Still (Ecosystem collapse). “Hollywood is trying to think of every way possible that we could destroy ourselves, or be destroyed,” says Phil Hotsenpiller, teaching pastor of Yorba Linda Friends Megachurch, and author of the book, Armageddon Now. Along with such thinking, comes the understanding that life outside the movie theater does not always bring happy endings. Regardless of whether or not you choose to believe or not, there is something a little bit frightening, if not mysteriously worthy of our attention about the upcoming date 12/21/12.

“Something has arrived over vast expanses of space and time, opportunistically cloaking itself within the ambiguities of human perception, seeking propagation channels where the race has vowed not to look. It is currently watching and testing the collective wit. If not recognized, it will simply depart. Then, lives that could have been saved will not. Suffering that might have been circumvented will be felt… The retreat uneventfully comes in 2012, if they fail to count the number of the beast.”

—The Creative Machine

The above is a quote by an Artificially Intelligent computer fathered by Dr. Stephen L. Thaler, describing the end of the world. The Creative machine is not the only advanced machine prophesying the sixth mass extinction. The computer search program, Web Bot, has a similar conclusion.

Web Bot is a system of organized, automated “bots” instructed by creator, George Ure, to scavenge the Internet searching for activity, otherwise known as “web chatter”. By picking up on subtle discussions and topics being written around the world, the Bot has so far been able to predict the attack on the US Trade Center (9/11), the stock market meltdown, and now it is telling us that the end of the world is on its way to our doorstep on December 21^st, 2012. While many experts say it is impossible for such a machine to predict the end of the world, others disagree.

So what do we have here? We have gonzo journalists traveling out to distant bunkers of right wing fanatics who have been stocking up on ammunition, anti-radiation pills, and training for an end of the world scenario. We have mathematicians interpreting various cultural calendars, such as the Mayan calendar, each reporting one date as having particular importance (12/21/12). And if you don’t give any of these sources much credit, we also have buckets full of religious advocates pointing to the bible as one of our greatest prophetic sources, and its prophecies are being called out through the daily news.

“Between the earthquakes, the volcanoes, and the oil, it’s kind of like, are you kidding me,” says Hotsenpiller. “We’re seeing some things which point to what the bible saw as an end of days scenario—Where’s Al Gore?”

“These events (Armageddon) are unfolding as you are reading this,” warns Peter King, author of Letters to Earth You Can Survive Armageddon!:

Revelation 16:3- The second angel poured out his bowl on the sea and it became as the blood of a dead man, and every living thing died. “There is no doubt you have seen the large areas of reddish brown oil that look like giant blood clots covering everything in the gulf,” says Kling. “Thirty-five percent of our seafood comes from the Gulf of Mexico—get ready for higher prices and lack of availability.”

Revelation 16:12- The 6th one poured out his bowl on the great river Euphrates and its water dried up that the way might be prepared for the kings of the east. “We’ve seen the expansion of Islam, but last month the UN pasted another sanction on Iran and Iran basically said, stick your sanction where the sun don’t shine, we’re going to enrich uranium and build rockets,” says Kling. “This takes us to Revelation 16:13 which will lead us to another major invasion of the Middle East by a world wide coalition of nations as we have seen twice before—and this will then take us to the war of Armageddon.”

“I’m not a religious nut,” justifies Kling. “I don’t preach religion—I have no need for it.” The prophecies in the Bible have no need for preaching when it comes to their predictive nature. According to Hotsenpiller, the Bible touts about a 90 percent accuracy rate, which pales in comparison to our current history books, which are bating closer to around 50 to 85 percent accuracy. “What is the likelihood that the Bible is truth,” poses Hotsenpiller, rhetorically.

Theories at a Glance

There are many different theories considering the end of the world. Some are recycled threats we have heard before, while others are somewhat new in the past few years.

Mayan Prophesy

The Mayan Prophesy is not so much an event, but an ancient calendar which some say foretells the likelihood of an event. One side of its believers are chanting the coming of an awakening and spirituality; the other shouting fire and brimstone. The calendar has been counting down for almost 5,000 years, and it appears to be coming to an abrupt halt on December 12/21/12. “Most of what you’ve heard is BS, written by hucksters who have never stepped foot in Guatemala,” says Omar Rosales, Expert of the Mayan culture and author of The Elemental Shamen. “It’s like Y2K all over again—there are no catastrophes, no earthquakes, no mention of an Apocalypse in any of the Maya texts, glyphs, archeology, or burial sites.”

Conclusion
Myth. 2012 is not an end for the Mayan people, but rather a recycling of their circular long-calendar which spans every 5,000 years. “Even the Mayans know the world is not going to end in 2012,” says Hotsenpiller. “Only Hollywood does.”

Galactic Superwave (Alignment)

The Mayan calendar was developed by priests by tracking stars in the sky, measuring their movement. Part of what makes Dec 21^st, 2012 such a special day for many cultures (including the Hopi, Cherokee, Pueblo, Hindus, Incas, Aztec, Tibetans, and Egyptians), is what has been called the Galactic Alignment. This is when the solstice of the sun directly aligns with the center of the Milky Way Galaxy, creating electromagnetic pulse waves (superwaves) that could blast down upon the earth’s surface, causing worldwide devastation.

Conclusion
Myth. “There is no planetary alignment happening on 2012,” affirms Christine Pulliam, a Public affairs specialist for the Center for the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics. “A number of planets are going to be on the opposite side of the sun from us, unlike 2000 (Y2K), when we did actually have several planets lining up.”

Chaos/Bee Theory

Caosticians look for ways in which seemingly small variations in objects or organisms can magnify themselves over time, thus creating chaos. The Bee theory is a perfect example. Studies have shown honey bees are flying away from their colonies to die, perhaps due to stress or changes in the earth’s magnetic resonance, but some people have begun to consider that such a seemingly small breaks in the agricultural chain could bring forth famine, war, and mass extinction within just a few years.

Conclusion
Some truth, but no proof.

Mother Shipton & Nostradamus Prophecy

Born of the devil as legend has it, Mother Shipton is one of several prophetic theories published to open our eyes to the signs that the end of the world is near. She is particularly known for her poetic and eerily accurate descriptions of the future. Such verses include:

And men shall fly as birds do now, (Airplanes?)
When boats like fishes swim the sea, (Submarines?)
When men like birds shall scour the sky
Then half the world, blood drenched shall die. (Armageddon?)

Mother Shipton is famous for her prediction of the worlds end in 1881. That date has obviously come and gone, but followers say the above verse proves the end of the world will be soon. Airplanes, submarines, sounds like our modern world, but could it be describing 2012? Maybe, but perhaps one of the most famous prophets known for his predictions is Nostradamus.

Nostradamus’ book, The Prophecies, predicts destruction, turmoil, and end of the world. The final days will come in the form of a dark comet plunging to the earth’s crust, followed by acts of unruly gravitational forces, and boiling seas. Not many people would pay too much mind to such crazy talk, if it wasn’t for several of his predictions appearing to have come true. Nostradamus is said to have predicted the death of Henry II, the great London fire of 1666, The French Revolution, Napoleon, Hitler (WWII), and the assassination of US President Kennedy, leaving one important prophecy to go… the dark comet.

Rob Bast, webmaster of the popular 2012forum.com and author of Survive 2012, puts his vote on the comet as the final blow to earth. “Of particular concern, is that we would not see a dark comet,” says Rob. “One that has lost all of its reflective ice while approaching.” However, Christine Pulliam, a Public affairs specialist for the Center for the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics, has a much more optimistic view.

“The prophecies of Nostradamus are very similar to today’s newspaper horoscopes,” laughs Pulliam. “They are vaguely worded and could be interpreted in any number of ways.” The phenomenon of these predictions can best be explained by retroactive clairvoyance (post-diction), which is applying a prediction to an event after it has already happened. It’s kind of like getting dumped by your girlfriend, and then looking back over the day to see if there were any prophetic signs leading to that occurrence.

Conclusion
Mostly myth. “If the writings of Nostradamus were to accurately predict a comet impact,” says Pulliam. “It would be the first prediction he’s had right in 450 years.” Not that we should take a comet impact lightly, as a direct impact into the earth, could cause fires, earthquakes, super volcano eruptions, and a host of mass devastation. Fortunately, automated searches looking for asteroids can also pick up on comets, spotting them months or even years before reaching the Earth. The only truth, Pulliam reminds us, is that we have been hit before and will again, just not necessarily on 12/21/12.

Nibiru (Planet X) & Crustal Polar Shifts

A story goes, 6,000 years ago the Sumerians (modern day Iraq) served “living” gods, called the Anunnaki, who lived on Planet Nibiru (Planet X). It is the Anunnaki who were believed to have created the human race after their own likeness to serve as slaves. Nibiru is the 10^th planet in the solar system, is four times the size of earth, and is said to be located too far into deep space to normally be seen from earth. It has also been used to explain the orbit deviation of planets Neptune, Pluto, and Uranus. This dark planet passes by earth every 2,148 years, which would place its next encounter somewhere around the year 2012.

What’s the big deal of a dark, alien planet passing by earth’s surface? According to past history, it could cause a pole shift, which would result in all sorts of ruckus. Imagine the North Pole being shifted around to become the South Pole, but unlike a magnetic pole shift where the magnetic pull of the North and South gradually reverses over thousands of years, the poles would be instantly swapped, forcing the outer crustal portion of earth to spin in the opposite direction. The results would be tsunami’s, earthquakes, and a massive atomic bomb-like eruption of the super volcano located underneath Yellowstone.

Conclusion
Myth. “This is an idea that keeps getting recycled,” says Pulliam. “There is no evidence of a Planet X—it would be visible by now.” Some conspiracy theorists believe the government is purposely withholding information about the dark planet that is hurling towards earth, but Pulliam confirms that would be impossible with the hundreds of amateur astronomers keeping tabs on the midnight skies.

Solar Storms/Solar Flares

There is talk that all the auspicious activity taking place around 2012 could somehow increase our chances of experiencing a severe solar storm of mass extinction proportions. The earth’s outer magnetosphere normally protects us from such storms, but due to the gradual magnetic pole shift we are experiencing now, that field has been weakened, and thus we are slightly more vulnerable.

The last time a solar eruption knocked out power to millions of people, was in Quebec in 1989. Our sun goes through stormy periods every couple of years. Currently we are experiencing a calm period, and prophecy says these storms will be escalated within the next year. With our current predictive technology we have only a 24 hour advanced noticed that a particle storm is headed our way, which would not give us ample time to take strategic action, as a comet or asteroid would.

Conclusion
Possible, but not likely. “There is some science behind this one,” says Pulliam. “The sun does blast charged particles and x-rays to the earth and if there was a really strong one, it could effect the magnetic field and cause ground currents, knock out electric grids and fry satellites,” Pulliam admits that our technology is vulnerable to these occurrences, but it would take something alot stronger than anything we’ve experienced before to cause the mass effects that have been touted for 2012. Furthermore, we are in a calm period lasting longer than usual, and while the fiercest solar activity might come around late 2012, we probably won’t see the strongest storms until 2014.

“…The retreat uneventfully comes in 2012, if they fail to count the number of the beast.”

—The Creative Machine

(Photo via Jonny Chapps Media, Story originally written for UMM)

Born from a hairdresser and cosmetics executive on June 1, 1973 in Cologne, Germany, Heidi Klum’s choices in life were obviously not far from becoming a supermodel. It was either that or a fashion designer, but when was the last time you’ve seen a designer with a pair of hooters like that? Exactly, so she went the modeling route. She was actually initially tempted by a $300,000 modeling contract while in high school through a New York agency after sending in a few snapshots of herself.

She turned down the contract offer in order to receive her diploma and attend a fashion designer school instead. You hear that kiddies, stay in school! Heidi managed to stay there for almost a year, until that $300,000 started calling her name through the thin walls of her cheap dorm apartment. She packed up both hooters, a bottle of hair bleach, her baby teeth (we’ll explain later), and headed off to Miami, Florida to find her fame and fortune the old fashion way… billboard and runway intercourse, of course!

Heidi has lived a very interesting life. She was initially married at 23 to Ric Pipino, who was, you guessed it, a hairdresser. This old man proposed to her atop the Empire State Building and they were wed soon after. Ric was a good sport and agreed to several German wedding traditions, such as sawing a log in half with a two-handled blade and climbing a ladder to retrieve a wooden stork placed above the window of their bridal suite.

The German tradition of sawing the log in half was used to symbolize the couples life-long ability to work well together. The wooden stork, well, let’s just say was meant to guarantee Ric would be able to provide children from the ‘fruitiness’ of his loins. Neither tradition had any positive effect and it took Heidi five years to come to her senses to dump Ric for some better company. When she did, she made another poor choice and hooked up with the lead singer of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Anthony Keidis, and then formula-1 bad boy, Flavio Briatore.

Flavio and Heidi had a wonderfully trusting and publicized few months together. That is until he was photographed copping a feel from jewelry heiress, Fiona Swarovski. Unfortunately, his seed had already planted in Heidi’s womb, and not long before the couple broke apart (for obvious reasons), Flavio became a daddy.

Flavio didn’t want the responsibility, so musical artist, Seal, saw his chance and stepped in. It wasn’t long after their dating introduction that Seal popped the big question and on May 10, 2005, the couple sealed (no pun intended) the deal. They consummated their vows on a beach in Mexico and have thus remained together for several glorious baby making years. Today, they have three children. Helene “Leni” Klum (child of Heidi and Flavio), Henry Gunther Ademola Dashtu Samuel, and Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel… (it will take hours to call these kids down to supper).

Heidi Klum’s can best be described as having sex appeal with just about everything she does, walking, talking, eating, dancing, and even changing dirty diapers. But her real sexuality comes from her quirky personality. Heidi has been known to dance around juggling her own breasts while bantering in broken English about how much she loves those, “great knockers.” At one time she even named both of her breasts to help us North Americans keep them straight. “Zeez are German breasts yah? Ze left one is named Hanz and the right, Franz,” she would say, or was that the other way around.

Today, she claims her smile has always been her favorite ‘part’ of her body, but we question that as she hasn’t exactly named each one of her teeth now has she. She travels with goldfish in her diaper bag, has her own pregnant dance, can yodel better than Tarzan himself, and has a bag of baby teeth (her own baby teeth), of which she carries with her everywhere she goes for good luck!

But I’ve left out one of the most important aspects of being Heidi Klum. Yeah, she’s hot, but so are a lot of women. Where Heidi really stands out is from her infamous rein as a Victoria Secret angel. It took four years of traditional fashion modeling from Heidi’s humble beginnings before she was offered a runway stint for Victoria. But once her name appeared with the likes of veteran angels, Tyra Banks, Stephanie Seymour, and Helena Christensen, Heidi’s career catapulted into supermodel status. It was 1997 when Heidi first became an angel and then just one year later she was given the honor of appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated, with Hanz and Franz flexing their behemoth bulges.

Today, Heidi has been appropriately nicknamed “The Body”. In addition to this bestowed title she has had everything but had an all out scratch fest with ex-Victorian, Elle Macpherson, in the attempts to declare who is the rightful title holder. You see, Elle claims she was given the name back in the eighties, while Heidi recently unveiled the name in 2005 along with her new bra line. Ladies, ladies… nobody cares who was the original ‘body’–You’ve both got great ones and that’s all that really matters. So, put your French manicured nail extensions away, ease those straining Botox brows and take pride in the fact that you’ve both become multimillionaires out of the simplicity of a nice face and great cans!

But all models must eventually come to the realization that looks are only as deep as the first few decades of their life, and Heidi has been slowly moving away from modeling and towards television and film acting. When I say acting however, I am not talking Shakespeare. She has been seen in Sex and the City, Spin City, How I Met Your Mother, and bit movie parts, like The Devil Wears Prada. She also has a couple of reality shows under her belt, such as Project Runway and Germany’s Next Topmodel.

You may also recognize her in a few popular video games, such as the 2004 James Bond: Everything or Nothing, where she played the evil German villain Dr. Katya Nadanova. ‘The body’ can also sing too, or at least carry a tune as we found from her debut television commercial single titled “Wonderland”. She has also been featured in a duet with hubby Seal from his 2007 System album, called “Wedding Day”.

Heidi is not only sexy, quirky, talented, and physically well-endowed; she also has a great sense of humor. She has appeared in the television series, Malcolm in the Middle, as a toothless hockey player, participated in a naked cooking show, and gone on the Ellen DeGeneres Show and made fun of Britney Spears who crashed her Halloween Bash party last year. Britney apparently cornered Heidi and ended up instructing her on how to strap a disposable diaper onto her newly born sons rear-end:

“We were talking about babies and diapers and she explained to me a lot of things about diapers I didn’t know. You know those sticky things on the side? I never knew they were there. To close them in the front I was always putting string around. I had no idea. It’s very clever.” (Ellen DeGeneres Show, 2007)

The shows comedy act backfired slightly, as fans began to throw the video all over Youtube claiming her as just another dumb blond. But Heidi is certainly anything but dumb. She has been ranked in Forbes as one of the top 100 celebrity powers of the world and furthermore she isn’t even a ‘real’ blond. Supermodels shall forever come and go, but very few last the test of time and beauty and find their way across magazine covers long after their baby making years. But Heidi is something special, she has taught us that beyond every silver lining is a little tarnish, but it all wipes away if you allow yourself the space to make the failures that lead to your eventual success!

What does living life to the “extreme” in the summertime mean? Well, to some it means the thrill of plunging into a pine scented abyss of gurgling water, dodging bobbing rubber ducky’s and balancing a laptop carelessly on the edge of their garden sized Jacuzzi tub. To others it means wavering carelessly in the lazy man-made pool/rivers of the Las Vegas casino hotels, making sure to stay awake long enough to lather a few blobs of sun block over their bodies before the 1 mile per hour current catches them up.

Then there are those who believe that a summer is not complete unless they have tackled as many class V river journeys as they can fit into every free weekend. Lucky for us, there is a cozy spot in between these extremes that would fit almost anyone’s taste for living on the edge. Whitewater rapids are generally classified on a scale of one to ten. One being just a bit more exciting than a boring ride at Water World and ten being very similar to being shot from a catapult across your neighbors slip-n’-slide that’s been rolled out over a garden of boulders and crocodiles.

Probably the most extreme whitewater trip ever recorded was led by the renowned explorer, Pasquale Scaturro. This trip opened up at the Springs of Sakala in Ethiopia (a.k.a. Little Blue Nile) and ended at the mouth of the Mediterranean Sea in the ancient Egyptian city of Alexandria. The trip lasted four months and involved a crew of sixteen explorers, an IMAX camera, one sixteen foot raft, gallons of cascading raw sewage, a few nose plugs and one stout kayak. This documentary can be viewed in the comfort and safety of a dry chair and your local IMAX theaters.

A few of the most extreme trips in North America as described by E-raft.com are the American Giant Gap, located in the Tahoe National Forest and the Forks of Kern, which is a multi-day trip through the remote Sierra canyons of California. New York has its Moose rapids, near Adirondack Park. West Virginia is known for its premier Gauley, which peaks during the fall time at Summersville Lake. Costa Rica has a difficult stretch of waters in their Peralta section of the Reventazon. The Snake (Murtaugh) of Idaho is famous for its early spring rapids and the Animas of Colorado is a majestic trip through the snow capped mountains of San Juan.

This is the part where I must tell you that you should be in relatively good physical condition to take on a whitewater adventure. It can be dangerous, but within the danger is a quiet beauty that cannot be experienced on foot anywhere else in the world. To find most any classification of whitewater river rafting trip in your area, visit the American Whitewater Association (www.americanwhitewater.org) for further details. If it is water and it involves your little ducky it probably isn’t extreme unless you’re pulling him in tow along the Chattooga canyons of South Carolina!

(Photo via jnmontario, originally published in Coffee House Digest)

The shallow end of the gene pool is getting awfully deep around here folks and my research of some of the U.S. laws to guide American citizens down the path of righteousness and goodness is there to prove it. Throughout the course of history the U.S. has had some pretty ridiculous laws that would seem to be more a joke on human intelligence than a guide towards the accentuation of it. Let’s examine a few of these laws and discuss the frightening realization that as the tides continue to rise, it is these laws that we seem to clench to in order to sandbag this decline in morality and intelligence. Take cover, it may be time to build another Ark.

We start this editions session in Las Vegas, where the women and alcohol move almost as fast as the cash does. Over the course of their existence, it has been deemed necessary to limit the accepted attire of attendance during legislature hearings to decline the participation of anyone who wanders in wearing a phallic costume of any sort. Now you know that this probably means that at some point in Vegas’ dark history a member must have walked in wearing such an outfit. We can only assume that he was either testing his freedom of speech or advertising his first prescription to Viagra.

For those of you who have ever questioned the desperation of man and money, Las Vegas also had to create a law illegalizing the pawning of dentures for money. This would seem to be the very last straw before moving onto body organs on eBay. Speaking of desperation and panic of mutiny, Shawnee, Oklahoma has a ruling against the meeting of more than three dogs on anyone’s lawn unless the discussion is signed and proclaimed by the mayor.

New York City, the city of peace, love and unity has had to create a law against throwing a ball against someone’s head for fun. There is also an uplifting law that references anyone who commits that act of suicide by jumping off a building to be subjected to punishment by death if tried and convicted. Kind of convenient for those who actually fail, don’t you think? But for those who succeed, it then becomes illegal to arrest them as it is considered a misdemeanor to arrest a dead body.

With all the love oozing out of our cities today it is not surprising that at a point in Alabama’s history, they upheld a ruling limiting domestic violence to sticks no bigger than the diameter of the inflicter’s thumb. In Los Angeles such violence was limited to a two-inch strap unless given permission from the victim to use a wider one. On these terms we have the tender, toothless, tenacities of Arkansas residents, limiting domestic violence to no more than once a month. Isn’t that thoughtful? They give them time to heal between beatings.

On a happier note, Kentucky discourages the brainful act of carrying an ice cream cone in your pocket by a law. I would think the outcome would be punishment enough! In Wilbur, Washington it is illegal for any man to ride an ugly horse, which is also punishment enough, depending on the reference to the term “horse”. Florida has some of the most colorful and humorous of these laws, including the restriction for any man to wear a strapless gown, sing while in a swim suit or tie his elephant to a public meter without feeding the meter and I’m not talking about to the elephant; that would be illegal.

There are a few laws that have been set up to make all of our lives a little easier and enjoyable. In Pennsylvania it is illegal for a minister to perform a marriage while either the bride or groom is drunk. This would almost hinder the pronounced marriages of nearly all celebrities and businessmen during weekend trips to Las Vegas. Oregon takes a step farther and limits ministers’ use of onions and garlic before a sermon—hallelujah, no more crying and fainting during evangelistic miracle healings. And we can all rest easily passing through Louisiana now knowing they’ve passed a law saying it is legal to grow as tall as we want.

On the level of making the U.S. a little more beautiful to the naked eye, Pico River, California passed a law forbidding any woman over 200 pounds to ride a horse while wearing shorts. Only in California could this be a law. Keeping the roads safe, Idaho outlaws anyone over 88 from riding a motorcycle. Now if we could just get the ones off the road in a 5-ton SUV, we might all be a little safer. Chicago’s residents can rest assure big brother is looking out for them by outlawing dining in any place that is on fire. It has been deemed unhealthy to ones body.

Why did the chicken cross the road? They may never know in Georgia, because they do not question them or pass go, instead they arrest them on the spot and haul them away. Where they take them from there, nobody knows and probably wouldn’t want to know! Canton, Mississippi must love their squirrels because they have a law making it illegal to shoot them while in the court of law, or perhaps this would seem to be more of a respect issue we’re dealing with!

On the open plains of Texas we find the ultra idiotic idea of an anti-crime law that requires a criminal to give at least 24 hour notice before the commitment of any crime. The notice is to be delivered to the victim via verbal or written expression, describing the nature and reason for the crime to be committed. This gives the victim plenty of time to prepare their belongings and last will and testament as well as offer any assistance in attaining counseling for the felon’s social well-being. This one might actually save the tax payers some money by allowing the criminals and victims to work out their differences without the involvement of worthless government programs and prison/holding facilities.

To make this idea work better, they should mix in the “Make My Day” Law from Colorado and Oklahoma which says anyone caught in an individual’s private home with attempt to harm can be stopped by deadly force. We could have these criminals disposed of faster than an “I Love Hillary” button found on a street corner in Abilene, Texas. But then again, it would have to be referenced that the break-in or invasion was considered to be a “surprise entry” for the ruling to be legal. It all comes down to having the right to take someone’s life. In Illinois, once your breathe leaves your body it is no longer considered your property. This means the last breath you ever take may be owned by the person who forcibly took it.

What is the solution to all this insanity?

Pure and simple common sense and human decency is all that each of these laws represent. And unfortunately a few even show a lack of disregard and humanity by allowing a centimeter too much over the line that should be drawn. There are only two people who can do something about all the wrongs of the world, you and me. A few government officials and their ridiculous laws do not mean much without the majority of us enforcing them. We need to actually take the word “we” and put it to use.

Everyday there are thousands of people who are thrown into a domestic violence situation and every neighbor who hears the disturbance just figures the next person will do something about it. Every morning a businessman falls to the street clenching his heart to find the majority of people pass by, before one individual actually steps in to provide aid and call for help. We are in this together and if you think that the rules we have created are going to be your salvage in life you are seriously mistaken. It is going to be you and I hand in hand that will walk out of here in one piece.

…God (or whatever deity your beliefs allow you to entrust) bless America and every nation who surrenders their compassion for living things and the rights and freedoms that every creature so deserves!

(Originally featured in D’Luxe Magazine)

In today’s raunch culture (as the younger generation has been described), it is cool to look like a porn star and sometimes even act like one. But how can just a few words of babble make that much difference to an entire world and a generation? Well they do… and they have!

As certain words diversify and grow with the popular culture they are sending a message to future generations that it is okay to be considered a certain way; it is simply a fact of life as much as it is a part of our daily conversation. Starting from modest to bold we shall follow along the path of growth and development of four such words; “hunk”, “flirt”, “pimp” and “slut.” All babble perhaps, but none-the-less pivotal to the shaping, development and creation of today’s society and values.

The word “Hunk”, which has become quite a modest word to today’s standards, had a particularly interesting introduction to the English language in the 18^th century as a “giant slab of (something).” Over the next century, the word hunk turned into reference for a “slow moving dumb guy,” and finally completed its path as an “attractive, muscular dumb guy.” Okay, okay, so perhaps they’re not all dumb; but that’s how some women like them I hear (no accounting for taste).

With such a vast history of definitions over a relatively short period of time, I would dare say that the word hunk has not yet completed its transformation. In fact, I have already heard it referenced towards a “male endowed with a giant slab (a.k.a. manhood)”. So it would thus appear that it might be perhaps going back to its original form; with that of a slightly different twist. But rest assured; he’s probably still dumb…

The word “Flirt” when used today can be either a good or bad thing depending on whether or not we are the object of its attention and the particular success rate within its actions. In the 15^th century to flirt meant to “sneer, scoff, or snub someone;” then in the 16^th century it became known as a way of “moving sneakily and/or in a jerky fashion.” Today it is known as a “casual, fleeting, sexual advance or invitation designed to get the attention of a person of interest.”

So, it would thus appear that this particular word began as a person who is completely full of themselves, moved to that of a masquerading, uncoordinated jerk; then continued onto the infamous, immortal, immoral two-timer that we all know and (sometimes unfortunately) love. The funny part about this particular point of babble; is while the definitions have changed over the years, if you really think about it, this one hasn’t changed much at all. These definitions are just all just different ways of describing the exact same irritating person; no offense to those who pride themselves amongst its description. I just call them as I see them!

Following down the line we come to a few more words that were once thought of negatively but are slowly becoming descriptions of pride and character. Who would have ever thought that a pimp would ever be an icon to envy; but today it is becoming just that. This word may have a rather short history, but its level of change over these last few years make it all the more impressive; or I should rather say frightening.

A “pimp,” once known as the often abusive manager of a prostitute, became known in the 1970’s as a “lively ladies man.” The ladies man version of course still manages women, but more for his own pleasure. Today, pimp is an attitude, a style, an entire subculture of its own. You can’t even turn on the television anymore without someone “pimping” something. And the general rule is that once it has been pimped it is supposed to be 10 times better than the original… no matter how tacky and ugly it may actually look to the untrained pimpin’ eye!

Getting a bit bolder among the underbelly of the history of language we find the word “slut.” Slut can be traced back as far as 14^th century Middle English, when it was thought to be a “dirty and untidy woman.” The great author and poet Geoffrey Chaucer of the Canterbury Tales used this word to describe dirty unkempt men; so it could be said that in the beginning of its existence there were no hard and fast gender specific rules to it.

From this point on the word became more demeaning and descriptive; referred itself to kitchen maids and other female service providers of the like. The 19^th century saw transference of the word to a modest euphemism for female dogs, instead of the much bolder, “B” with an “itch,” and this is probably where the word really took a turn for the worse. Today, it is defined “as a sexually loose woman that is more promiscuous than deemed acceptable.” They have to say this of course because some promiscuity it considered perfectly acceptable in today’s world of pimp daddy’s and ho slut’s.

But what I really want to talk about today is its current use as a term of endearment for women. It is not necessarily a bad thing to be a slut anymore; it just all depends on how it is being used and who’s the person saying it. Instead of meeting and exclaiming “Hi girl,” young girls today often express friendship with a hearty “Hi slut!” It wasn’t that long ago that such a greeting would have ended in a drag out scratch and claw cat fight; but not necessarily anymore.

I say to all this, “Whoa!” Does anybody else see something very wrong here? As a society we need to be very careful about what words we decide to glorify. Their original meanings never die, they just transform over to the next definition leaving pieces of its former existence. So it is clear to me that if we actually continue at this pace, I fear who our next batch of childhood hero’s are going to be; especially when the ones of today are such characters as Brittany Spears, Snoop Dog, Paris Hilton and 50 Cent… Um yeah, looks like its time to take out the trash from this past year, and I’m thinking we’re going to need a few extra bags for this upcoming one!

(Originally featured in D’Luxe Magazine, Photo via tim_d)

He has been called everything from a modern day Jesse James, Robin Hood, Albert Einstein, to nothing but a cheap dime-store hood who just happens to be more slippery than a fried banana peel. He’s been referenced as the “Bare Foot Burglar” and “Baby-Thief”, and officially became an international legend this past Fall. Colton Harris-Moore has appeared in newspapers and the evening news in countries all over the world, including an Italian newspaper which enthusiastically headlined his story this October, “Viva il baby-landro!”

The most difficult part of telling Colton’s story, is separating the fact from the fiction, the boy from the legend, and the thief from the hero. It is a fine line once a felon commits a crime, yet remains a likable character among the media. Suddenly a nation becomes split among admirers and haters. One side hoping he will escape to carry on more capers alongside fellow legendary myth-meisters, Big Foot, Marilyn Monroe, and Elvis. The other side rooting for his swift capture and even swifter punishment.

The Early Years
The story of every great outlaw begins at birth. This is where criminal tendencies are both fostered and shaped. Colton, or “Colt” as he is known in his hometown of Camano Island (near Vancouver), came from a battered and bruised home at the very bottom of the gravy train. A train which begins at a long gravel road, lined with cedar trees, liter, broken-down cars/trucks, and “No Trespassing” signs. At the end is an old, decrepit, single-wide trailer with a tarps strung over the top, and a shotgun wielding mother, sitting outside the porch waiting to greet uninvited members of the media.

Colt’s biological father was extradited from his life when he was 2-years old. Colt’s stepfather died five years later, leaving his mother, Pamela Kohler, a single parent. Colt disconnected himself from his family, friends, and teachers, and rebelled against anything and everything. While his story maybe compared to that of Robin Hood, unless you consider empty pizza boxes and stolen laptops representatives of the poor, he’s the only one who has ever really prospered from any of his thefts.

Colt was arrested for possession of stolen goods for the first time when he was 12. He spent an 11-day stint in detention, followed by a month of community service. By the time he was 13 he’d experienced three more convicted juvenile arrests; by age 15, a mixed bag of 9 convictions (burglaries and break-ins). Each conviction meant more detention, and more community service.

Before long, local law enforcement began keeping tabs on Colt. His mother would tell the media that he was once arrested for riding a $300 bicycle of which she had bought for his birthday. “Every time he had anything, any good, everyone thought he stole it,” she recalls. The police on the other hand, would stand by each conviction, stating they had more than just probable cause.

It was at this point, he tried to turn himself around (“Mamma tried”), but in the end he would drop out of school and devote himself to a life of crime. As far as Colt was concerned, where once he had been given lemons, he now was making himself a big, sugary vat of pink lemonade. Fancying himself as somewhat of a modern day Jesse James mixed with a little James Bond, he amended himself the right to take what he wanted, when he wanted, and make a mockery of those who attempted to stop him. Colt was fast on his way to becoming a surreal rebel without a cause.

A History of Juvenile Delinquency (2003-2007)
While Colt has only recently become world renowned for his shenanigans, he has been a spur in the side of local authorities in Washington State for years. On October 8^th, 2003, A 12-year-old Colt was found guilty of third degree possession of stolen goods. Not much over a month after being caught, he was charged of second-degree burglary and third-degree malicious mischief for vandalism of several businesses. He was sentenced 10 days detention, 56 hours community service, and six more months supervision.

On December 31^st, 2003, he was charged of fourth-degree assault, and sentenced six months community service and $100 in restitution charges. On March 16^th, 2004, he was caught by his school principal stealing multiple electronic items. The cost of the stolen goods added up to over $700. When the principal confronted him, Colt stated he did not know why he was doing it, but he knew that he wasn’t able to stop himself. He was sentenced 10 days in confinement.

Four months later, he was sentenced for third-degree theft and convicted in Island County. It is interesting to note here that none of these minimum security facilities would be very effective in holding Colt, who would escape from them on multiple occasions. He was only 13 years old at the time of his first escape, and he is still wanted in connection to it.

One of the local authorities most credited arrests of Colt, while hiding in the Camano woods, was a cleverly orchestrated police sting, I like to call, The Pizza Man. Several deputies noted a dozen or so pizza boxes near a camping site believed to be frequented by Colt. The police came up with an idea to draw the young teen out. Officers would collect a few empty pizza boxes from around Kohler’s property, and awaited her next hunkering for pizza. The next time an order was placed, a deputy stripped off his badge, attached a pizza delivery dome to an unmarked squad car, and waited outside. Instead of the usual Sausage Lover’s, Colt received a tax paid ride in the back of a deputy patrol car.

On February 28^th, 2005, Colt was sentenced his largest juvenile conviction yet, 30 days in detention for second-degree burglary. He had smashed the windows out of a local library building, stealing $61 from the cash box. The conviction was aided by blood (DNA) found at the scene. No sooner was he released, he disappeared back into the his old stomping and stealing grounds (the Camano woods). On May 28th, 2006, Colt was charged with first-degree theft, including a stolen credit card he racked up with $3,700 worth of computer purchases. After he failed to appear in court for the charges, he was issued a warrant for arrest.

The sheriff department would search for Harris-Moore through the summer of 2006, catching a break on September 6^th, when they discovered a campsite near his mothers 5-acre property. They found thousands of dollars worth of stolen electronics hidden beneath a tarp (charges still pending). As the months drew on, the Northern weather grew harsh, and authorities wondered how Colt was going to hold up.

Little did they know he would survive quite comfortably, bunking with acquaintances, breaking into construction site trailers, and lounging in vacant homes while the owners were away. He’d eat their food, drink their beer, put his feet on the couch, steel their property (jewelry, watches, digital cameras, camcorders, remote control vehicles). He’d also steal their credit card information (leaving the card to buy himself more time) to purchase other things he needed, such as bear pepper spray and airplane manuals (more on that later). This is where Colt would make his second biggest mistake leading to his next arrest.

Local authorities do not think much of Colt’s supposed intelligence quotient (his mother claims he is only a few I.Q. points shy of Albert Einstein). While he is indeed slippery, he has not always been that difficult to catch. On February 9th, 2007, Colt was living at a vacant home he’d recently broke into. On most occasions, he would sense when trouble was coming, escaping out the back door before getting caught. On this particular chilly Friday evening, Colt was probably in no mood to camp out with the icicles. Perhaps his senses were a little off, or perhaps he had gotten just a little too cocky. A nearby neighbor had spotted the lights on in the home, and knowing the owners were away, she quickly notified the authorities.

Twenty armed officers surrounded the home. Colt was trapped. his mother was called in to talk sense into the teen, who would end up surrendering himself into custody. Colt was charged with 10 counts of criminal actions, including burglary and stolen vehicles. At the age of 15, he was sentenced to several years in juvenile detention. He would be transferred to a halfway house a year later for good behavior. In April of 2008, Colt took advantage of the trust he’d gained, and escaped through an open window. This was the moment he would embark on a summer crime spree that would amass over 50 burglaries.

Juvenile Thief to Notorious Serial Burglar (2008-present)
During the Summer of 2008, Colt graduated from petty thief to full fledged serial robber. It was within these burglary’s that Colt would develop the nickname, “The Barefoot Bandit”. He got this name from evidence (footprints and surveillance footage) which suggested he was not wearing shoes at the time of breaking and entering many of the homes and businesses. This has become what fans like to call Colt’s “calling card”, although local authorities would later laugh at this reference.

The sheriff’s office may not give Colt much credit for his abilities, but they do give him enough not to run around in the Northern woods, full of bear dung, glass, and snow, without at least wearing a pair of sandals or sneakers from time to time. Legend has it by some fans, that Colt has studied the technique of traveling without shoes (perfected by the North American Indian) as a means to improve his sense of guidance and stealth while traveling through the woods at night. While an interesting idea, this theory does not have a “bare” leg to stand on, according to most expert opinion.

The next big news hit July 17, 2008 when Colt became part of a police pursuit, driving a Mercedes-Benz stolen from a nearby neighbor. The officer was getting dangerously close to Colt, who brazenly jumped out of the moving car, and made a run for the woods. The officer followed the ditched car, as it clipped a propane line and crashed into the side of a grocery store. By the time the officer returned to where Colt had made his leap of faith, he was gone. There was only the distant echo of laughter.

This is where authorities recovered the stolen digital camera which featured the infamous picture of Colt (taken July 8^th, 2008) lying in the grass, wearing a smug grin, and a black Mercedes shirt, belonging to none other than the vehicle’s owner. Colt would up the ante again in November, stealing a Cessna 182 (single engine) airplane, flying it from Orcas Island across Eastern Washington. He would crash land on the Yakama Indian Reservation, due to inexperience (or I should rather say, no experience) flying a plane.

It is around this time that authorities believe Colt’s crime spree in the San Juan Islands began. He would go on to be the suspect of two other plane thefts, one on September 11^th, and a third on October 1^st, 2009. Assuming these planes each valued well into the six figure digits, Colt had now bent the line of grand larceny, broke it off, and ran it through a mulch chopper a couple dozen times.

One of Colt’s claims to fame, is his ability to fly these planes without seemingly any formal training. It is thought that perhaps he learned the basics from several manuals he purchased over the web with a stolen credit card. There was a lot of question as to whether or not Colt could actually fly the planes, especially from those who know the difficulty of controlling a plane. A self taught pilot is a bit of a anomaly. While keeping the plane in the air is only moderately difficult, landing it in one piece, is an entirely different story. This might explain why all three planes flown by Colt, appear to have received significant damage during his patented “bang and brake” landing procedures.

At one point, authorities believed the stolen planes could be drug traffic related, however that was later put to rest when Colt’s “calling card” bare footprints were found inside one of them. Local police also found a puddle of what appeared to be regurgitated food, possibly matching Colt’s DNA, and most likely brought on by the bouncy, hard-landing he’d experienced. This stunt would become quite a leap for the young juvenile, who would amass a $20,000 warrant for his arrest, as well as the classification of “Most Wanted” in the state of Washington.

His mother would celebrate the news, stating to the media, “I hope to hell he stole those airplanes—I would be so proud.” Realizing she was on the verge of being pegged as a bad mother, she quickly added, “But put in there that I want him to wear a parachute next time.” Some experts believe he’s had several partners with him, enabling him to accomplish all his feats. His mother, however, continues to insist that he’s too much of a “loner”. In the same breath, she has also reported Colt as living with a group, offering high tech surveillance for the teen. For all we know, he is sharing a bunk with Bigfoot and Jimmy Hoffa in the forests of Camano.

On September 8^th, 2009, Colt was suspected of stealing a boat from Orcas Island, which was later recovered in Friday Harbor. Three days later, on September 11^th, he stole an experimental aircraft, flying from Friday Harbor back to Orcas Island. On September 13^th, 2009, Colt stole a boat to Point Roberts (Whatcom County), where authorities believe he is responsible for at least 14 additional burglaries.

The following evening, September 14^th, Colt came face to face with a couple of San Juan sheriff’s deputies patrolling the area. The officers yelled at Colt, who immediately took off, heading towards the woods. One officer followed pursuit. Colt flew straight into the trees, leaving the officer trailing behind, huffing and puffing donut sprinkles. Once the officer gave up, the brass-balled Colt laughed and taunted the pooped cop, before “vaporizing” into thick forest.

In the following weeks, Colt would pay a visit to the Creston Valley Regional Airport, just across the Canadian border from Idaho’s panhandle. It is believed the teen gorged himself of junk food, beer, and soda, before helping himself to two handguns. It is also believed he attempting to steal a couple airplanes by the looks of several aircraft which had been moved around the hangar. He was apparently unsuccessful in getting one started.

Beyond the usual electronics and six packs of beer, he is now believed to be responsible for the disappearance of several guns (one stolen from patrol car, the other (an assault rifle) stolen from an officers home). Colt’s actions have became more brass over the months, with reports of him shooting at police, and hinting to the fact that he has a gun in order to avoid captured. Police thought they had the youth several months ago, but before tackling him, he motioned he had a gun, prompting officers to back off. As soon as he had a comfortable buffer zone, he quickly fled back into the woods.

One of these guns is believed to have been used on October 1, 2009, while en-route back to Camano Island. Colt is suspected of stealing another Cesna 182 (after all, he landed the last one in almost one piece) in Idaho, where it was presumed he was laying low, while committing a few burglaries in his free time. The plane was found crash landed near Granite Falls with an empty gas tank. Blankets, a pair of shoes, food, and a vehicle were later stolen from a neighboring home several hour prior to hearing a gunshot fired from the woods, presumably meant as a warning to authorities who were called onto the scene.

The shots would usher in a SWAT Team, two choppers, and several K-9 units who would make a cameo appearance to the chase. The police boasted that this would be Colt’s last stand, reporting to the media they’d be bringing him in soon. The manhunt lasted hours, but Colt would eventually “vaporize” yet again.

The Legend
While certainly no role model, Colt has become somewhat of a legend among fans. His Facebook fan page has shot up to thousands of members in only a few weeks. He has his own website, t-shirts (“Mamma Tried”), and there has been talk of a possible Hollywood movie deal in the works. The police involved are none too happy to comment on his burst into legendary fame, although they are at least part to blame. For those who have watched the movies, Smokey and the Bandit and Catch Me If You Can, you know the feeling of routing for the bad guy. Especially when your only other option is an uncoordinated, uncool, bloated, stuffy, and pompous authority figure, who is just too damn sure of themselves for their own good.

The police involved in these pursuits have so far traveled right down the path of Sheriff Buford T. Justice (Smokey and the Bandit), boasting of their supreme intelligence and unbeatable tracking skills. “Everybody gets caught,” the Washington police like to say with swagger and spit of tobacco. A year and a half later, he’s still at large. If Colt has succeeded in anything these past few months, it’s making the police look like a bunch of damn fools. Even the authorities themselves have referenced to the amazing mythological abilities of the teen. “He virtually vaporized in front of me,” explained one Washington state deputy to the media, referencing a very brief pursuit of Colt through the woods.

Colt would seem to be as elusive as Big Foot, evasive as Bin Laden, invincible as Goliath, and mysterious as the Loch Ness Monster. If you ever wanted to drive home the point of an existence of one of these mythical creatures, just bring up the name, Colton Moore-Harris. If wasn’t wasn’t for records of his existence outside of the Camono woods, he would be nothing more than a figment of imagination shared by the entire Washington State Police Department. Authorities have caught glimpses, heard noises (laughter), found traces, and even chased after what appeared to be someone fitting his description; but in the end, the long arm of the law has failed to reach through the branches of Camano and plucked the teenager out.

Where he’ll show up next, nobody knows for sure. It could be in your providence; in your city; at your next door neighbors; or in your fridge, stealing your last brew. The best way to reduce your chances of becoming a victim to the Barefoot Bandit, is to lock your doors, keep all vehicles in the garage, and spread plenty of tacks around the perimeter of your home!

With all due respect to those who have been victims, we wish Colt an unharmed capture and safe return home. Fly, Colton… Fly!

(Originally featured in the 2009 Winter Issue of UMM)

Furniture is truly one of the most intimate forms of art that one can enjoy within their own home. “Space is a dynamic dialog between the furniture and the person,” says Corey. “The furniture itself interacts with the person as they touch it, sit on it, and become intimate with it in some way.” Corey is an artistry craftsmen who does not create a piece of furniture for only its aesthetics, but rather considers its functionality, utility, and ultimate, intimate interaction it will have between its users and the space.

Corey of Deciduous Designs, is a transplant from Seattle to Colorado, and has over a decade of woodworking experience. His canvas has not always been a solid wood platform however, as he was originally trained from the prestigious California College of Arts and Crafts in sculpture. After he graduated his class with honors, Corey went on to apprentice with two nationally acclaimed artists who taught him a great deal about the use of wood as an artistic medium.

Each furniture design of Corey’s could be said to fall onto a time line which tells the story of his evolution as an artist. He has learned something from each piece, which brings an almost human-like element to his art. His Sonata Chair was made while he was exploring various wood bending techniques. “I think the elegance of the curves gives this piece its a character imbued with movement and energy,” says Corey. “The challenge in making a chair lies in the complex interplay between form and function—It gets frequent and heavy use, yet aesthetically it must appear to be light and elegant.”

The Horizons Daybed is a rather luxurious looking and feeling piece of furniture with a twin bed inserted into the frame which doubles as a cushion. Its solid wood, rounded, sculptured armrests give it a sense of strength, while its open design and light footprint offers the gentle touch of sophistication. Corey’s inspiration comes in many forms, such as his Meditation Cabinet, which was conceived by the inspiring oeuvre of furniture artists, James Krenov and George Nakashima. “It became a sort of meditation on their work and achievements,” says Corey. “The end result was a deeper understanding of the process within a personal journey.”

Another unique piece from Cory’s collection is his Relative Conversation Coffee Table. “This piece started while I was working with a piece of Limba wood,” says Cory. “The wood when cut had such interesting patterns.” Cory spent countless hours putting each piece together to form what would eventually become a rather intricate, dare we say Rorschach-like pattern, around the table top. “It is a perfect example of how no two pieces of wood are alike,” says Corey. “A reflection of the individuality that is present in the world around us.”

If interested in Corey’s custom, hand-made, fine furniture, visit him online at Deciduousdesigns.com.

Take a third world country, mix in the conspiracy to overthrow a political leader, the celebrity involvement of Sir Mark Thatcher, the blunderings of an over-privileged British mercenary, and suddenly you have a tale worthy of the world’s attention. The Simon Mann story has only began to unfold, but what has been pieced together so far, is a combination of greed, courage, stupidity, mystery, and high adventure. Let’s introduce the characters of our story.

The Beginning: Equatorial Guinea and Papa Macías

As the Gulf War was winding down, the destruction of the Kuwait oil fields had the U.S. thinking about finding a new, friendlier, less volatile source for oil. The country in question would need plenty of this black gold, non-OPEC, and if they just so happened to be Christian too, that would be the icing over the barrel. One volcanic, dusty, flea infested country appeared to fit the bill rather nicely, Equatorial Guinea (Western Africa).

The Republic of Equatorial Guinea was initially discovered by Portuguese explorer, Fernando Po, in 1471. It remained in Portugal control until Spain received the territory in 1778. Spain would be the primary influence until the small country’s independence was granted in 1968, under pressure of the United Nations. Later that year, Francisco Macias Nguema would become the elected first president of Equatorial Guinea. This would be the only legitimate election this country would experience for the next 40 years.

President Nguema (a.ka. Papa Macías) took control in 1968, appointing himself the President-for-Life in 1972. This was the beginning of his rein of ignorance, neglect, and terror. Schools were emptied, healthcare minimized, water and electricity diminished, citizens tortured, killed, exiled, and imprisoned for wearing a pair of glasses or uttering the word, intellectual. Prisoners’ at Black Beach jail were ritualistically held to the floor, as their skulls were crushed with iron bars by other prisoners. One-third of the countries population was wiped out over a period of just seven years.

A New Leadership with President Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo

Macías’ nephew, Teodoro Obiang Nguema, was the young lieutenant colonel in charge of Black Beach prison. He saw the opportunity to overthrow his uncle in 1979, organizing a coup d’etat, and had him arrested. Papa Macías’ would be executed and Obiang would take over the presidency with aid from the Supreme Military Council.

In the early 1990s, Equatorial Guinea discovered two oil fields near Bioko Island. Oil companies got word, and it was not long before Obiang was being wined, dined, and treated as if a miniature God. Oil tycoons from the U.S. would fly in, hungry for a piece of Obiang’s 20 million gallons of oil per year, then fly out in disbelief of the inhumanity they witnessed. Over the next few years, Obiang’s regime would be accused of one of Africa’s worst violators of human rights.“This is the sh**hole of the planet,” One unanimous oil executive told Spiegel Online International. “Our bosses hate the corruption, they hate these guys, and most of all they hate the protocol.”

Asphalt parking lots cradling the slew of SUV’s parked haphazardly in front of the air-conditioned office buildings where oil business is done. Beyond these fancy buildings, make-shift homes are built among dirty, smile-less faces. Its not that there isn’t signs of money being spent here, just not where it is needed (education, water, electricity, healthcare, etc.). The executives are told to keep their mouth shut or they will find themselves on the first plane back to America. Those who criticize Obiang’s regime end up in jail, or much worse!

Our Anti-Hero: Simon Mann

No story would be complete without a hero, or in this case, an anti-hero. Simon Mann was a spoiled, rich kid, heir to a brewing fortune by his father, who had been an English cricket captain in the 1950′s. He was well on his way to becoming a fat cat in privileged society. He attended the prestigious Eton private school, Sandhurst military academy, becoming a member of the Scots Guards, and finally achieved the title of Commander for the SAS (a special forces unit). Before the age of 30, he left the military after serving in Germany, Ireland, Cyprus, and Central America. His new job would be providing muscle (bodyguards) to the wealthy and elite.

There was good money in selling muscle ($50 to $100 million/year), but Mann and his adventurous heart was always looking for the next big thing. In 1990, he founded the company, Executive Outcomes, which offered strategic advice and armed protection (mercenaries) to businesses operating in danger zones. He would later establish another security firm, Sandline International, which is believed to be linked to the Sierra Leone Civil War over democracy.

Mann was no stranger to African wars when he was approached by the London-based, billionaire oil tycoon, Ely Calil (codename: “Smelly), in 2003. According to Calil, he approached Mann to put in touch with the exiled politician, Severo Moto, with the intention to bring him safely to Equatorial Guinea. What Mann claims, however, is that Calil was meeting with Mann to discuss the possibility of organizing a coup that would overthrow the president, and make everybody “a little money.” In translation, Mann and his merry group of investors stood to make “a large splosh of wonga” (a.k.a. “millions”).

Calil would take Mann to Madrid for a meeting with Moto, who would later deny having any knowledge of the coup. Mann, however, would claim that he and Moto sat down and discussed assassinating Obiang to bringing Moto into power. In return, Moto would promise Mann $15 million, immunity from prosecution, a diplomatic passport, and 30 percent of all Obiang’s U.S. capital that could be tracked down. A very large splosh of wonga, indeed.

Behind the Scenes of the Coup

The plan was simple, send in a troop of mercenaries to assassinate Obiang (through guerrilla warfare or gulf invasion), have Mann (codename: “Captain F”) back in time for crumpets and tea the next afternoon. In order for the plan to work, Mann would need lots of capital. Organizing a coupe with an expert team, providing them with equipment, weapons, transportation (plane, boats), and paid incentive, is not exactly cheap.

While Calil is thought to be the main financier of the project (up to $700,000), Mann thought of his good buddy and close neighbor, Sir Mark Thatcher (codename: “Scratcher”) to finance a good portion of the expenses. Specifically to pay for a small plane to take Moto from Madrid to Malabo. In exchange, Thatcher would receive bragging rights of the coup, and his own share of the wonga.

Thatcher would claim he had no idea what the $350,000 he was handing over to Mann would be used for. Mann claims, Thatcher knew everything, and was elated to be a part of the project. So, what we had here so far, was the brains of the crew (Mann), the brawn (Mann and a band of 64 merry mercenaries), the money (Calil, Thatcher, and several other less known financiers), and a plan (well, sort of).

2004 Coup D’etat of President Obiang

“It was a lousy attempt to overthrow Obiang,” a German diplomat has said in reference to the coup. “They based their preparations entirely on the book by Forsyth.” The plan was indeed based off a good portion of the best-selling book by Frederick Forsyth, The Dogs of War. In the story, the main character, “Cat” Shannon, lead a team of mercenaries to Zangaro (fictitious African country), where they would land by boat, storm the palace, kill the president, and live happily ever after.

There was just one problem, Mann must have read the Cliff’s notes version, as he forgot one important detail. The story states quiet clearly, that landing a plane at the airport with a group of mercenaries armed to their teeth, would look suspicious, landing them in jail (which it did). But there was yet another problem with their secret plan. It wasn’t much of a secret!

During the initial planning, almost everybody knew about the coup, except for perhaps Obiang. Mercenaries have a saying, and that is the victim is usually the last to know. This is especially true if the victim is not a well-liked person. A wake-up call was about to ring forth to Obiang that friendship is only skin deep, especially when billions of dollars of oil lay beneath that friendly exterior. Mann claimed that Britain, Spain, South Africa, and the United States all knew what was about to go down, but did nothing, each for their own reasons.

For Spain, replacing Obiang with a more cooperative government would be a good thing (Spain was never much of a friend to Obiang, anyway). The only key, was Mann would have to hurry to get the job done before the fourth coming Spanish government took its place, as they might not prove as cooperative. The United States stood the most to lose, having the lions share of oil business in Equatorial Guinea. Mann claims that he approached the government with his plan, but they told him they did not want any part of it. They also said, as long as their assets remained intact, they had no problem with it (so much for that friend/ally).

Britain did nothing, claiming the warnings weren’t insubstantial enough, and as far as South Africa was concerned, a new regime might not be such a bad thing for them, either. Considering rumors of the president’s continuously failing health, and his decision to put his eldest son as his successor (a wild card in an already stacked deck of corruption), Moto would be the lesser of the evils.

The Final Days of Reckoning

A group of mercenaries were collected in Africa, told they were going to be protecting a diamond mine in the Congo, and they checked into a hotel in February of 2004 and awaited further instruction. Meanwhile, several weeks before, a former South African special forces commander, Johann Smith, had got wind of the coup and sent out an SOS to the U.S. Pentagon, British Parliament, and South African Intelligence… but heard nothing in return.

The coups first attempt failed due to a broken down AM-12 plane, but after several more weeks of nervous waiting, the coup was back on for March 7^th, 2004. With only 60 hours notice, two ships from Spain set sail with 500 men aboard, heading towards the Gulf of Equatorial Guinea. Speculation as to their actual purpose would never be answered, but without a doubt, their presence stated something big was about to go down.

An old 727 was flown in from the United States, and a team of 64 mercenaries boarded the plane. They were packing bolt cutters, pepper spray, and sledgehammers. Customs copied passports of each of the men, but without any further questions about their business in Zimbabwe, the group was off to city of Harare to pickup weapons and ammunition. Things were going smooth… perhaps a little too smooth!

Moto was already on his way to the African dessert at this point, flying in under the radar. He would be ready and waiting to take his place at the Malabo thrown by early morning the next day. When the 727 touched down, Mann was waiting to meet his team at the tarmac. He wasn’t alone, however, as the team was met by a troop of Zimbabwean soldiers wielding 20 light machine guns, 60 assault rifles, 50 heavy machine guns, 100 grenade launchers, and over 100,000 rounds of ammunition. Police swarmed the plane, taking everybody into custody.

South Africa had set the trap, and Mann had fallen for it. It would appear they allowed the team to pass through customs without hassle, so they could be caught red handed in the coup. The group was heavily beaten and taken to a police station where they would be beaten some more. Moto was immediately flown back to Spanish territory. The next day, fifteen more mercenaries were arrested and charged with aiding the coup.

The Trials

On July 28^th, 2004, Mann pleaded guilty to the possession of illegal weapons in South Africa. The Zimbabwean court sentences him to seven years. On August 28^th, Mark Thatcher was arrested at his home, while packing to leave. He was charged with financing the coup. On January 13^th, 2005, Thatcher pleaded guilty, admitting he may have had prior knowledge of financing the aircraft. He received a four-year suspended jail sentence, a $500,000 fine (paid by his mother, Margaret Thatcher), and he then got out of South Africa for good.

Meanwhile, Mann was sitting in prison, hoping to be released in early May of 2007. Instead of getting off easy like Thatcher, he was extradited to Equatorial Guinea on January 30^th, 2008. Mann appealed, but he was secretly thrown into the Black Beach prison, before anybody knew what happened. Mann had finally made his way to his original Malabo destination, but not under his preferred circumstances. Most prisoners end up dying from either starvation (a daily ration is less than one bread roll), disease (malaria, rat infestation), and/or torture here.

Mann was already in need of medical care, suffering from a severe hernia and a bad hip, but Obiang had other, not so pleasant, plans for him (sodomy, skinning alive, cannibalization), but first a trial would ensue. Mann, along with seven other accomplices, were sentenced 17 to 34 years at Black Beach. At this point he began to feel very betrayed by his accomplices, stating they should never “leave a man on the mountainside.” This is despite being warned that if he got into trouble, he was on his own.

Mann’s Song

Mann, more like a fat cat in high society than a hardened mercenary, did everything he could to stay alive in Obiang’s clutches. This included singing like a canary about everybody behind the plot. He sang about Calil, Thatcher, and the support of both the Spanish and South Africa governments during the coups planning. This would follow the immediate warrant for Thatcher’s arrested on March 28^th, 2008.

Mann would then make a statement to the media, claiming he was glad the coup was unsuccessful, and that Equatorial Guinea is not such a bad place to live after all (said the puppet, strung from the puppeteer). Eventually Mann would write to the Equatorial Guinea government, asking for a pardon for his cooperation, which he would receive on November 2, 2009. President Obiang would claim his mercy would come not only from Mann’s cooperation, but Mann’s declining health and need to be with his family. Up to the writing of this piece, none of the principle characters of this plot had been arrested by British police for their involvement in the coup.

Many question remain, such as why did an experienced SAS soldier (Mann) allow himself to be so easily caught? Why were they trying to overthrow a nations leader to take control of his oil supplies?Was it all about the wonga, or were there other forces at work? Unfortunately, it is these other forces, that will keep us from ever knowing the truth, but this story is far from over. With billions of dollars of oil on the line, a corrupt leader still in power, and the main players still on the hot seat, the fat lady is far from singing her last duet with Mann…

(Photo via The Associated Press)