What if you knew the key to happiness was a choice, a state of mind, a specific call to action, and a particular way of conducting life’s decisions? I’m not talking about a magic formula for creating wealth, health, or fame, as studies show these have no more effect over happiness, then a placebo does. In actuality, happiness can be enjoyed whether you’re rich, poor, handsome, or homely.

While trying to understand the secret behind living life to the fullest, I turned to Dr. George E. Vaillant, MD, author of Spiritual Evolution: How We Are Wired For Faith, Hope And Love. Vaillant is also the director of a massive Harvard University study, involving over 72 years of following hundreds of men as they ventured through college, war, career, marriage, parenthood, divorce, old age, and occasionally death.

Dr. Vaillant witnessed the life stages of these men through a combination of questionnaires and intense physical examinations. He noted their moments of greatest strength, health, and happiness, and has whittled all this research down into one, singularly, important statement, Happiness is love—full stop.

Happiness is Love
“The only thing that really matters in life is your relations to other people,” says Dr. Vaillant. Does this mean that all you have to do is fall in love, and everything will fall into place? Well, no, actually, love is a much more complex feeling, woven into our lives in many shapes and forms, including child/parent bonding, early childhood friendships, and intimacy. In order to understand how to use this article to gain greater happiness, you have to start with a bigger understanding of yourself.

“Aging happy and well—is at least under some personal control,” suggests Dr. Vaillant. In other words, in order to bask in the joys of love, we must first make the right Individual choices.

• Coping Mechanisms- Immature defenses (narcissism, hypochondria, blame), impede the growth of intimate relationships, and reduce the chance of finding love. Adaptive defenses (anticipation, humor, altruism) create higher quality relationships.
• Smoking/Alcohol- Smoking and drinking to excess not only damages health, thus reducing the quality of life, it also damages relationships. Abusers blame the loss of love on addiction, when in fact, the addiction is what drives friends and loved ones away.
• Weight/Exercise- Regular exercise predicts good mental health more than it does good physical health, in part because it is associated with having someone to workout with. Poor bodily health is more often the result of poor psychological health (depression).
• Attitude- “A cardinal rule for happiness, is not to think less of ourselves, but to think of ourselves less,” says Dr. Vaillant. “Happiness isn’t about (you).” The moment you make happiness a goal, the competition you create negates any possibility of finding true joy.

Setting the Record Straight: Happiness vs. Wealth!
You can’t discuss the capacity for happiness without throwing the money card in the ring. The majority of men who garnished the most wealth in the Harvard study, were also the happiest and well adjusted. The problem with the above statement, is money had little to do with the observed outcomes. The monetary reward was only a side effect for those who already had good relationships and healthy coping mechanisms.

Regardless of ones socioeconomic status, the men in the Harvard study who had a loving childhood and empathetic coping mechanisms, reported twice the income as those with poor childhood relationships and immature coping mechanisms. “Adolescent social class, intelligence, politics, and constitution meant relatively little to successful aging (life) in the Harvard graduates,” concludes Dr. Vaillant. “In contrast, capacity for empathic relationships predicted a great deal.”

If you’ve labored under the rule that happiness rests in the hands of fate and choices already made for you, perhaps it’s time to envision a world where joy lies within your own decision to love and be loved. When all is said in done, happiness comes not from the years you have added to your life, but the life you’ve added to your years!

(Article originally appeared in Urban Male Magazine)

Mosler has finally released information on their crushing new hyper-exotic supercar, dubbed the RaptorGTR. If you’re a diehard car nut, you have probably noticed that there seems to be a reoccurring theme with most successful supercars, and the formula is:

Carbon Fiber Shell + Big Block V-8 = Massive Acceleration (about 2.3 seconds (0-60) for the GTR)

One of the key points to this new supercar, is its 838 horsepower, twin turbo, 7.0 liter V-8. Unique to the RaptorGTR is its externally exposed, visible turbo’s, which were inspired by the F-22 Raptor fighting jet. The result of this configuration is one hell of a soundtrack for the driver. There will be a limited number of these ultra rare beasts on the to-build list of Mosler, so if you’ve been really good all year, it just might be worth the effort to put this $700,000 supercar on your Christmas list.

Of course, if you really want your car to be successful, you also have to address a few other necessities, such as power-to-weight ratio, handling, and safety. You aren’t going to enjoy your hypercar very long if you’re dead.

The Raptor has an ultra-light curb weight of just 2580 lbs, which means that its power-to-weight ratio is about 36 percent better than the 987 hp / 4,162 lb Bugatti Veyron. Taking advantage of its low ground clearance, low weight, and Nitto NT05R’s, the RaptorGTR can yield about 1.4 g’s of lateral grip. Mosler has also taken the initiative to incorporate a LeMans Prototype central carbon-fiber safety cell into the chasis, to help absorb the impact of any unfortunate run-in with an inanimate object.

For an extra $70,000 and a green light from a performance driving school, you can purchase an upgrade for the RaptorGTR (CubeyGTR Package), which includes a 1212 hike in horsepower, a newly designed front end, added air ducts to the intercooler, and an additional radiator. There will only be 12 of these special editions produced for 2012, and these will have a 50 percent better power-to-weight ratio to that of the Bugatti Veyron, and that’s at half the price.

Check out the intro video below, set to the release of the new song by Abby Cubey, called, Feel My Fire. If you listen close, you can hear the whoosh of the twin turbo’s that were made into an instrument for this special occasion.

Santa, if you are reading this, please contact J. Todd Wagner at 203 668 3904, and tell him I’ll take the one that comes with Abby Cubey!

Abu Nahasapeemapetilon, Simpson’s cartoon character, Kwik-E-Mart cashier, and singer of the popular Prince rendition of, Tonight I’m going to party like its on sale for $19.99!, has reported plans to marry the popular Bollywood actress, Mallika Sherawat. Abu claims his interest in Sherawat goes far beyond the sex appeal she is known for. The paparazzo has yet to catch this couple together, which brings doubt to Abu’s boasts. Rumor has it that Sherawat “hooked up” with Abu after her appearance on The Jerry Springer Show a couple of years ago. Abu was quoted during the show as saying, “I have seen Sherawat’s inner beauty, and it is in perfect harmony with my outer beauty.”

It is now speculated that Abu and Sherawat met years before, through the popular Yahoo! Indian matrimonial website, Shaadi.com. It appears that Sherawat may have been his 154^th marriage proposal throughout the duration of his three-year membership, which is just slightly below average, according to recent poles. After a bit more investigation, I discovered that Microsoft and Shaadi.com consist of the exact same customer service team. This made me wonder what lonely, unsuccessful Indian men could possibly have in common with technology ignorant Americans?

The answer is Synergistic Common Interest.

Americans are lonely too, spending hours trying to find a date. In fact, they are on so many different websites, they are infecting their computers with new viruses every day. These lonely Americans have no time to learn the proper procedures to fix these problems, so they end up calling Microsoft customer service for help. These Indian helpline workers are so busy fixing all the discombobulated American computers, they cannot consummate a successful digital relationship. I believed that by putting the two practices together, we could form a common bond from which the two lonely nationalities can learn from each other, fostering a virtual love triangle across the world.

The current customer service situation could also just be a ploy for cheaper labor. However, that’s a whole different news report altogether.

The taxpayers have generously given up their milk money to government bully’s, and the kids with spilt milk now have something to dunk their cookie in. Automotive News headlines in June, read, Detroit 3 are Big 3 again. Where the Japanese automobile once reined supreme, the domestic has become a worthy adversary. Some consumers may choose to remember the compact jalopies of the 70s and 80s, such as the exploding Ford Pinto. However, for every quality, domestic compact put on the street today. An embarrassing memory is replaced by one with pride and renewed confidence.

Depending on your political leanings, location, and the car sitting in your driveway, the government bailouts were either a great success or tremendous failure. We’ve seen similar outcomes in battles between good vs. evil, Alien vs. the Predator, and Charlie Sheen vs. his “winning” attitude. We may not have a unanimous victor, but the players have emerged with a common interest. While domestics continue to fancy large vehicles, of which they gain an average of $10,000 more profit per sale. It is in their best interest to focus on their mini-me cousins as a central strategy to their survival.

The situation in Libya continues to create volatile crude oil prices, but from the vantage point of a 16-foot SUV rolling on 22-inch dubs, the problems of middle eastern countries doesn’t seem particularly momentous without the threat of $4/gallon gas. The US consumer’s memory is short, as recent sales of trucks suggests, but nothing changes their mind faster than an empty gas tank. Sales from larger vehicles may have tickled the economy during the first half of 2011, but the small, economy car will maintain profits through the upcoming roller coaster of gas prices.

Domestic manufacturers have listened to the consumer, bringing smaller, better, and more economical vehicles to the table. In 2000, one out of every eight vehicles sold was a compact. Today, these statistics have doubled, increasing their popularity to nearly 25 percent of profits. The playing field has been leveled for 2011, and consumer’s can find a 40 mpg alternative in just about any flavor (excluding Chrysler, although the Fiat 500 comes close).

Chrysler has come a long way since its 1970 Newport (6.3 liters, 4400 lbs, and 0-60 in less than a week). It has restructured their leadership program (Sergio Marchionne), improved product lines (Jeep Grand Cherokee, Dodge Durango, 300), and managed to win back enough consumer trust to gain third place in US sales for May, 2011. General Motors (GM) has an increased market share in both America and China, reducing its “Government Motors” nomenclature from its previous 61 percent in Federal ownership, to now less than 40 percent.

Ford has been praised by consumer reports for garnishing the same quality standards as Toyota. This has been dually noted by the $6.6 billion in earnings they posted in 2010. The most difficult challenge for Ford will be maintaining momentum as Japanese markets scramble to regain lost ground. Japanese automakers lost a whopping 7.3 points in US market shares in May.

Beyond Mother Nature’s unkind blow to Japan during the March 2011 earthquake, their eroding dominance is also due to a relaxed contentment to build the same vehicles that have wowed American audiences for a decade. The distance between class leaders and their challengers, in terms of quality, has been steadily declining. With such fresh faces as the Chevrolet Cruze and Ford C-max to compete with, the Toyota Camry may be like a freckle you’ve admired on your spouse’s tush for the past 20 years, but even a red hot ember needs a little agitation to maintain the same heat.

Research suggests the effects from the Massacre of 2008 is slowly recovering, while other opinions claim the effects could have been much worse. According to a study by the University Of Michigan, the damage to automotive reliant states have plunged income levels by as much as 8 percent in some counties. However, the Center for Automotive Research (CARS) suggests 3 million jobs have been spared thanks to government bailouts, accumulating to nearly $97 billion in personal income between 2009-2010.

The good news for many states, is they can expect an upswing in industrial positions over the next five years, adding 34,000 new jobs nationwide. In the negative front, the wages and benefits of these jobs will be reduced from pre-2008 standards, increasing the threat of worker loss, should the economy offer greater opportunity elsewhere. All in all, the auto industry is reminiscent of past mistakes, poised for change, privy to new technology, and ready to make one hell of a comeback in 2012!

The idiom, drop in the bucket, refers to the idea that most things in life are only a very small portion of the whole. Kick the bucket, references death by imagining yourself standing on a bucket with a noose tied around your neck. Once the bucket is ‘kicked’, well, you can imagine the outcome. But where does the term, bucket list, come from? Some say it originates from the movie, “The Bucket List (2007),” starring Jack Nickolson and Morgan Freeman. Others say it is a hybrid of the previous mentioned idioms. Imagine life as a collection of small ‘drops’ of experiences gathered in a bucket, and at the end of that time, our buckets are spilled over, highlighting the most important memories.

If you died tomorrow and your top 10 highlights were flashed before your eyes, do you think you’d be satisfied with what you saw? We teamed up with Julia Dimon (Traveljunkiejulia.com), travel expert and host of several popular television shows, including Word Travels (City TV, OLN, Travel Channel UK), Destination Getaways (MSNBC), and Outside Today, to help us decide what world experiences are truly worthy of anyone’s list. From gentle solitude to the rush of adrenaline, these are the 10 drops of life we’d most like to remember when our own buckets are knocked from our feet.

1. Heaven on Earth

Cost: $1,000/person for 5-days accommodations—not including airfare and dining.

“Zanzibar, off the coast of Tanzania is one of my favorite places,” says Julia. “It’s a perfect combination of African culture, white sand beaches, fresh seafood, and a ‘hakunamatata’ vibe.” The saying, You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all, may describe your uncle in boxer shorts, but it certainly does not even come close to describing the spirit and imagery of Tofu Beach, Mozambique. “It’s amazing,” exclaims Julia. “You will spend the day eating fresh mangoes and snorkeling with manta rays and whale sharks in the Indian Ocean.”

2. Best Sunrise/Sunset

Cost: Free to see (yes, some things are still free).

The most beautiful sunset Julia has ever experienced, was over the Valley of the Moon in Chile’s Atacama Desert. “In the winter, at around 6:30 PM, the sky gives rise to a rainbow of watercolor reds, oranges, and purples,” describes Julia, in awe of her own imagery. “A warm hue illuminates the million-year-old mountain ranges that jet out from sand dunes like spines of prehistoric reptiles—a millennia of desert winds have sculpted stones and sand formations, and the colors look more like the inside of a gobstopper candy.”

3. Celebrate Life!

Cost: $300 tickets, but you also have to consider food, accommodations, costumes, and water (it’s hot).

Get out with some people who really know how to party! Burning Man (www.burningman.com) is held annually at Black Rock Desert, located 120 miles north of Reno, Nevada. It kicks off the week prior to Labor Day, and climaxes on the Saturday before Labor Day when “the man” is burned (don’t worry, it’s not a real man). “I just went last year and it’s truly a once-in-a-lifetime must experience,” says Julia. “For one week, some 50,000 costume-clad visitors travel from all over the world to celebrate humanity, creativity, music, nudity, charity and chemically induced happiness, celebrated to the beat of throbbing techno.”

4. Do the Bizarre

Cost: $5

If you’re looking for the perfect way to solidify your status as a bad-ass, look no father than Dawson City, Yukon, home of the sour-toe cocktail (www.sourtoecocktailclub.com). “I’m a card carrying member,” Julia says proudly. The way it works, is after a speech and ceremony performed by an equally bad-ass, sour-toe member, Captain Dick, you’re given a drink (preferably whiskey or beer) with a severed toe swaying along the bottom. “You chug the thing back and the toe has to touch your lips,” describes Julia. Be careful, though, as several toes have been lost via unintentional swallowing.

5. Where the Wild Things ‘Really’ Are

Cost: $10,000 minimum—airfare not included.

Getting up close and personal with some of the worlds most majestic animals, will not only bring a better understanding of nature, but will bring your own life into greater perspective. Trekking with the 400 lb silverback mountain gorillas in Uganda, will certainly serve as a reminder to respect your relatives (ancient relatives). An alternative to the Uganda heat, would be the serene chill of the Antarctic glaciers, while viewing penguins and sea elephants from the front row seat of your own sea kayak. “I’ll be crossing this off my list in January with the company Antarctic Dream (www.antarctic.cl/web_eng),” gloats Julia.

6. Exhilaration of Adrenaline

Cost: $85 for the day (once you’re there).

One of Julia’s most exhilarating experiences to date, is throwing herself off Zambezi Gorge in Zambia (www.thezambeziswing.com), then swinging back and forth like a pendulum across the Zambezi river. “You’re looking down and it’s quite terrifying,” describes Julia. “It is one of the biggest adrenaline rushes!” If swinging from a gorge is beyond your fear factor, perhaps Zorbing (www.zorb.com) down a hill in a giant inflatable hamster ball will be more to your liking. Located in either the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee (USA) or in Rotorua, New Zealand, this experience is a reminder of what fun is all about!

7. Road Warrior

Cost: $349 for the Dragster Experience, and $1,500 for the Rickshaw Run.

Professional racer, Doug Foley, has developed a dragster program (www.dougfoley.com/), offering the thrill of professional racing. The course includes instructions, safety equipment, two ‘smokey’ burnouts, and two hard launches down a professional track. A road worthy alternative is a 5000 km journey across India’s treacherous roadways on a 150cc Rickshaw. The Rickshaw Run (www.rickshawrun.theadventurists.com) is a slow paced, but highly eventful two week road trip through dessert, jungle, and the Himalayan Mountains (that is, if you’ve got the guts and believe in your rickshaw).

8. Out of this World

Cost: $12,000 (MIG tours) to $200,000 (Virgin Galactic).

Book a space voyage on the Virgin Galactic (www.virgingalactic.com), which includes sub-orbit time, allowing passengers six minutes of weightless floating around the cabin of the plane. If $200,000 is a bit too steep, Incredible Adventures (www.incredible-adventures.com) will take you to the edge of space at a fraction of the cost ($12,000 to $50,000) aboard a MIG-31 Foxhound jet. Passengers will soar 68,000 feet about the earth’s surface, while also being given the opportunity to take control of the mighty MIG. These ships set sail in New Mexico (Virgin), Russia, and Cape Town, Florida.

9. Fear Factor

Cost: $150/person

Some people say one of the most pivotal moments of life is a brush with death. Such an experience makes most other fears in life pale by comparison. “Crocosaurus (www.crocosauruscove.com/) in Darwin, Australia looks bad ass,” exclaims Julia, fantasizing about setting foot inside the “Cage of Death”. “I’m really excited to do this one!” There are not many places you can come face to face with a one-ton salt water croc and live to tell about it. Their secret is the plastic cage with which the human morsel (you) is placed, before being dunked in the crocodile pool.

10. Testing Your Limits

Cost: Bolivia Death Road $103/person, 5-day Great Wall of China Marathon package $1,200.

For some, testing their limits is all you can eat buffet. For others it’s letting gravity take hold as they sail down “The World’s Most Dangerous Road” (www.gravitybolivia.com), with nothing more than a pair of handlebars between their face and the dirt. This downhill trek begins in the chilly mountains of Bolivia, ending 11,800 feet down in the steamy jungles of the Amazon. A less dangerous challenge, although just as physically grueling, is the Great Wall Marathon (www.great-wall-marathon.com). Experience the most historically, astonishing sights in China, while pumping your leg muscles over the 5,164 steps of the Great Wall.

(Article originally appeared in the winter issue of Urban Male Magazine)

NPR Female Voice: “Oh, these Schweddy Balls really are cold. How long did you leave them out?”

NPR Male Voice: “Well, it’s been awhile… Sometimes if I don’t get them out every once in awhile, they start to turn blue.”

NPR Female Voice: “Blue Balls? Oh, honey… whenever I’m around, I can promise you will never have blue balls again! (giggles)”

NPR Male Voice: (Laughs gently)

Ben & Jerry’s ice cream has brought the famous Schweddy Balls skit to life with their newest flavor… you guessed it, Schweddy Balls! The basic ingredients are vanilla ice cream with fudge-covered rum and milk chocolate balls.

“We’ve always been a company that has had a sense of humor,” said Sean Greenwood about his Schweddy Balls (ice cream). “This is just plain silly.”

Yes it is… but I’m loving it. You’ll find it at about one-third of the stores that normally sell Ben & Jerry’s. The other two-thirds… Well, I guess you could just say, they don’t (didn’t) have the balls.

And in case you’ve forgot about this skit, starring Alec Baldwin, as Pete Schweddy, the host of Delicious Dish. You can check out the Ben & Jerry’s Facebook page, where you can send clips of the original broadcast to friends and family, or just click “play” below.

Enjoy your balls! And if you don’t have any of your own… see if you can borrow somebody else’s to enjoy!

The Surgeon General has found that cell phones may be hazardous to your health, including phones that are held near your brain, found nearby while sleeping, ingested, lit on fire, leaped on with bare feet, in use while filling your gas tank, and typed on while crossing a busy street.

If cell phones are so dangerous, they should take them away along with the rest of the cap guns, fireworks, and sparkle sticks.  It won’t be long before we’re smuggling flatulence over the borders just to celebrate the 4th of July.  You bring the beans… I’ll supply the matches!

As I think about the thousands of ads there are in a single magazine, I cannot help but wonder, Why should I really care that Hulk Hogan uses speed stick deodorant, or that Preparation H is doctor recommended? These are problems that many people suffer from, but they are not necessarily the kind of thing that sticks in anyone’s mind for more than about 30 seconds. However, there is a new wave of marketers that has stepped up for the challenge to gain the attention of desensitized generations raised in front of glowing monitors of blood, pain, suffering, and sex. So, pull up a chair, turn off the tube, cross your legs (if you are a male you will soon anyway), as we are about to unleash the top-selling items for 2011.

Golf putters and walking sticks are a constant man pleaser. You will find these in just about every die-hard hunter magazine across the country, usually strategically located next to the exotic genuine moose dung earrings, but we won’t even get into that. Now, I know what you are probably saying, big deal, right? These are not the usual putters and canes, however. These putters and canes are made from the “entire reproductive organs of a grown bull.” This is a product that will grab a person’s attention, and perhaps even motivate them to show a friend, hang on their school locker, or pin on their office managers back.

Picture a poor little bull huddled in the far corner with his knees clenched in pure panic, crying, “Made from what?” I couldn’t help but feel my own voice box creep up my throat, as the very thought began to cross my mind. Below is an actual picture of these products (which are being impressively balanced by an innocent little girl), of which I must admit puzzled me for a long while. However, I soon dismissed it with a simple, How should I know what it would look like anyway? Yesterday’s credit card bills seem like a wet willy in the ear compared to what this painful humiliation must have been like. I just had to know who would do such a thing, why, for how much, and most importantly… what herbal male enhancement has this bull been taking?

This brings us to another trend in the market today, male enhancement pills, seen everywhere from television to popular magazines. Bigger will always be better, or so it seems. These ads picture a down-and-out loser of a husband, picked on by his boss, teased by his friends, shunned by his own family… you know the story. Then this poor sap of a man gets a hold of a few male enhancement herbs, and bam… kapow! Superman is unleashed upon the world, filled with confidence, self-assurance, and most notably… a very happy wife.

A happy wife indeed, and what better to go along with her newly endowed husband than a pair of her very own endowed breasts. Fortunately, for her, she has even more options here than her male counterpart does. Modern science has brought women their very own mixed herbal blend of vitamins guaranteed to produce larger breasts. If the woman just wants a taste of what enhancement out of life bigger breasts could offer, Victoria’s Secret is always there to lend a helping hand with their exclusive wonder bra line. Women have learned that it does not matter if the breasts are natural or half water filled balloons; as long as they depict themselves to the world with the proper social expectations long since learned by undressing her favorite Barbie for bedtime.

The point I am trying to make is that we live within a species that focuses on imperfection, oddities and perversions, probably since the beginning of time. So why shouldn’t we give the people what they want? Why do you think that they made six Nightmare on Elm Street movies and only one Ghondi? People are entertained by others misfortunes and imperfections, which has ultimately been commercialized with the onset of reality TV. You cannot even change the channel without either seeing a poor soul ingesting pounds of live worms, or getting their heart broken on live television by a woman they spent one date in the living room of millions of dedicated watchers.

This is where I must part ways with kind commentary to these great products and point out some obvious obscenities to the commercial market. Who in their right mind would buy a bull’s freeze dried sexual organ for one hundred dollars a piece? It would sure seem much more cost effective to visit the nearest ranch to gather a few ‘shafts’ yourself. Furthermore, what is this process of preserving such a miracle of nature? All men like to brag, but I must admit that I cannot imagine using that as a third leg, or slamming a golf ball 300 yards down a fairway.

I shouldn’t even have to mention the fact that a few scratches of bark off an ancient tree in the jungles of Sabu, Africa, mixed with the semen of a one-eyed baboon with thirty fingers and toes, is not worth eighty dollars a month. Common sense tells us that none of this stuff is going to work as it claims, yet with the expense and popularity of such ads, someone is buying it. If it is not you or I, then please make it your dedication for the day to save at least one friend who is about to make a very poor decision tomorrow.

These ads have proven to be extremely effective tools in grabbing the attention of today’s desensitized market audience. However, they miserably fail to give their actual worth, and it is up to you to read past the bull (no pun intended) and not be taken by their clever advertising. These marketers have mastered the art of attention, now all we need are some worthy products, and I think we will be on to something. Perhaps if these companies had spent more on the research of the product itself and a little less for the marketing, these would have been as useful as the once popular pet rock, but then again, maybe they are.

(Photo via Longhorns Head to Tail)

1. Argue Like a Badger
Badgers are very unforgiving creatures with one rule to live by. It’s either their way or the highway, and if you have any argument with that, they will persuade you otherwise through unpleasant consequences, otherwise known as scratching and clawing until you agree they’re right. Humans have a very similar techniques to change each others behavior, consisting of using the phrase “you”, instead of “I”, as in “you are to blame for this”, and “you’re the reason everything is wrong with my life.”

Other popular strategies, and sure ways to guarantee a miserable relationship, are to refuse to listen, resist asking questions when you don’t understand, attack with sarcasm and verbal abuse, and end every argument on a negative note. Your goal is to win every argument, and never consider or compromise any reasonable requests offered by your spouse. Winning every argument leaves behind a sticky residue on a relationship, almost guaranteeing hard feelings and misery the next time a conflict arises.

2. Guide Your Partner via Negative Reinforcement
Many counselors claim that positive reinforcement is the best way to lead a partner by example, but those looking for a miserable existence, will prefer guiding their relationships via negative reinforcement. Where positive reinforcement teaches spouses the advantage and benefits of certain behaviors, negative reinforcement teaches fear, guilt, and anxiety by nagging until they can’t stand to hear your voice anymore.

What this achieves is a very temporary change in behavior, focused on merely achieving momentary peace and quiet. In time, this antagonistic behavioral learning technique creates a wedge between couples. Instead of embracing positive change for the better, as positive learning is known to achieve, a spouse will become only motivated by the reward of avoiding their partner altogether.

3. Pursue Happiness as if it were On Sale at Wal*mart
While some fools might tell you happiness comes from our own purpose and happy thoughts, miserable couples understand that happiness can be bought just as easily as respect, admiration, and faith. Research suggests that true happiness would never be as sweet without the occasional sadness, but miserable couples know true happiness comes from achieving a perfect life, complete with the perfect wife and ‘mostly’ perfect husband.

While we may only be able to control up to 42 percent of our happiness by choosing to focus on the good things, we can guarantee 100 percent misery by choosing to concentrate on the bad. There are at least three levels of joy, all of which require money, including food, sex, and fancy cars. Through our envy of other peoples stuff, we can finally forget about such needless blessings as love, health, family, and friends. We will be devoured by your own selfish thoughts, forgetting that failure is not a learning experience, but rather an invitation to disappointment.

4. Let Go of Your Curiosities
Miserable couples know that curiosity killed the cat, so they choose to be unenthusiastic about their own life, the life of their partner, and the world around them. Whatever they knew about themselves or their partner, probably still stands true today, so they allow themselves to become bored and disinterested. Despite what you may have heard, what makes a happy relationship thrive is not passion, love, creative intimacy, surprise, or the belief that our partner is truly interested in us.

Some psychologists say you can secure the likelihood of having a miserable marriage, simply by creating a lack of curiosity in your relationship. To accomplish this, avoid talking with your partner about your goals, dreams, and aspirations. Become a poor teammate in everything from work to social activities. Your goal should be to resist cooperation and compromise, choosing instead to seek a negative, prejudice, and judgmental viewpoint. Your favorite comment to all who ask inquisitive questions is, I don’t know!

5. Seek Excitement, Anxiety, and Jealousy in All Your Relationships
People are drawn to excitement in life. It is one of the fundamental reasons for finding and maintaining new relationships whenever you start to become too comfortable in your existing ones. Boredom is the enemy of relationships for miserable couples, because they understand that behind all the dull, tedious repetition, lies comfort, predictability, stability, support, and faithfulness.

Studies show, biologically, as time goes on, the opium-like injections of oxytocin in the brain subside; the butterflies that used to flutter, now seek shelter in a dormant cocoon; and the sexual attraction we used to feel, is now challenged by a simple piece of chocolate. Multiple marriages and affairs can satisfy this urge for excitement, guaranteeing a life of endless anxiety, obsessiveness, risky sex, and jealousy. Boring couples who live the daily grind of a “mature” relationship, only have honesty, security, trust, and intimacy to look forward to.

What is Misery?
There’s been several schmuck’s as of recent years, running around telling people that we don’t have to live with a miserable relationship. They say that we can make them what we want, just as long as we take the time to understand each other, and work together towards our goals. One thing we do know, is each of us has the capacity to make almost any situation miserable. What is misery? It’s only a word.

Happy relationships come about, not by how they are dealt, but how we choose to decipher their challenge and turmoil. Through mistakes comes knowledge; from misunderstandings breeds perception. Take everything that has been said in this article today as a reminder that we have more control over our relationships than most of us realize.

Folks, folks… what is this new product you ask?

It is neither a cream, foam, liquid, natural, synthetic, or perishable. It is not healthy, harmful, doctor recommended, or whale tested. It may be purple… it may even be great… but the most important thing you need to know, is it’s stuff.

So, what more could you ask for. Buy it, damn it!