The teaser photo of the Canadian-built Kestrel, shows it lurking in the early morning shadows with glazed headlights, perhaps a bitter taste within it’s front grille, and probably a hell of a case of the munchies

The Kestrel (a.k.a. Cannabis or Hemp Car) has been designed to revolutionize the electric car market, using industrial hemp composite (won’t make you high) to mold the outside of the vehicle, rather than steel or fiberglass. What exactly are the benefits of a vehicle made from hemp-based materials? Well, it’s light, flexible (bounces back into shape), strong, and is a cheap resource to grow (less water and pesticides) and synthesize.

It’s nothing new that hemp fiber has certain properties that make it a perfect base for automotive applications, but this is one of the first times in history it has a chance to make it into mainstream vehicle production. Henry Ford built a car shell out of hemp back in 1941, but steel was by far the preferred material back then, so he chose not to rock the boat.

With today’s green movement in force, buyers are not only open to electric motors, but also new materials not previously used in the mainstream production. The Kestrel has had its hemp composite body shell put through crash testing, and the results were well within current automotive safety margins.

The Kestrel will be unveiled in Toronto this year, with its first commercial models coming out sometime within the next year. Powered by electric motors, the Kestrel will surpass NEV (Neighborhood Electric Vehicle) 35 mph standards, featuring a top speed of 56 mph. It is also expected to cover 100 miles per overnight charge, which is well within current daily commuting averages, even in the wide open spaces of Canada.

Of course, having a vehicle made of hemp has left itself wide open to a slew of jokes, which comedian/talk show host, George Lopez, has already made a Thursday evening monologue out of.

“A company in Canada is making a car completely out of cannabis. It goes from zero to 60 in three hours. It tops out at 420. 420! That – 420 – is my membership number at my golf club. I don’t golf, I just joined for the number. Good luck remembering where you parked your car. And it pulls right over to the drive-thru all by itself. If you have this car made completely of cannabis be careful, because Snoop burned his lip on the tailpipe. If you’re concerned about the environment, don’t worry, it’s a hybrid… half Cheech, half Chong. The GPS sounds like Cheech. When you take it to a mechanic, he’s gonna say, I know the problem. The whole bong’s gotta come out. Can’t we just change the water?‘ Nope.”

(Story and Photo via Reuters)

Aerosmith may have thought having sex in an elevator was something to sing about, but what about in a green vehicle. Today’s quest for low emissions and high efficiency has brought us yet another obstacle to overcome. The obstacle of sex in one of the new, smaller, green vehicles, such as the Smart Fortwo, Chevy Aveo, or Mini Cooper.

These vehicles are great mind you, but how can a loving couple fit so much love into one of these small vehicles? They are generally narrow in the cockpit with an obtrusive shifter in the center, the head height is not as generous as we’d like, and the seating, while roomy, if you try to maneuver too much out of the seated position, you’d find they are not quite as roomy as they advertise. They didn’t design these vehicles for this purpose after all.

Well, the first things you need to think about, is that you are probably not going to want to begin this venture on a full stomach. You are going to need to be fairly flexible and not be wearing over two layers of clothing. Being these cars are quit generous with windows, you are probably not going to want to be outside the drive-thru at your local slurp and burp, unless you want an audience.

Assuming you are still game to try something new, here are four eco-conscious sex positions designed specifically for the ultra small vehicle:

Passenger Seat Cowgirl

(works great with front seat only vehicles, such as the Smart Fortwo)

You are not going to get very far in the drivers seat with that steering wheel in your way. You could try to pull it back as far as it can go, but it probably still won’t leave you enough room. The guy involved with this venture is going to need to be seated in the passenger seat with the seat back dropped back to about 45 degrees. Without the seat tilted back, she is going to have very little headroom while seated upon his lap and will probably get one heck of a crick in her neck, which can really spoil the moment.

We are getting a bit ahead of ourselves here, because unless she is wearing a convenient outfit, such as a dress or miniskirt, she is going to at least have to get partially undressed. This will quite honestly be easiest to do while standing outside the vehicle, but if she doesn’t feel comfortable enough with that, the backseat can work well to get her knickers off. To keep the mood sexy, it is easiest to swing around the seat (left leg first) onto his lap once ready.

Mission Missionary

(only works on passenger seats with maximum decline capability)

You may be wondering why all these positions are focusing on the front seats, while the more traditional car adventures have been taken from the back seat. Well, if you think about all the reviews of autos today, most of them report roomy front seats and rather cramped backseats. So, unless you are a rather small couple, you can actually achieve more head room and maneuverability for many positions in the front seats.

Getting back to our position, this one is done with the woman seated in the passenger seat slid back as far as it will go, with the seat also tilted back as far as it will go. When finished setting up, the seat should practically be laying on the backseat bottom cushion. Next, she can slide herself up the seat back slightly to give the guy a little extra leg room as he will need to climb in the seat facing her. If necessary she may need to use a few articles of clothing to position her neck and/or back comfortably. This makes for a great excuse to strip each other down a bit more.

Once she is comfortable, he can enter the passenger seat, resting his knees on the bottom cushion, and supporting his upper body by placing his hands on the lower backseat cushion. She can then arrange her legs comfortably on top of either the dash, arm rest, or entire drivers seat area. Finish arrange yourselves however necessary to get a proper connection, and once there, you will both find you actually have more room to play around with than you would have thought.

Note: This position also works in the backseat, but as narrow as these cars are, you will actually have more room to stretch out going from the front seat to the back, rather than across the length of the rear seat cushion, but to each their own.

Passenger Seat Spooning

(for front seats with minimal decline)

For those folks whose seats do not decline enough to accomplish the mission missionary, you should at least be able to partake in a round of passenger seat spooning. This position opens up with the woman draped comfortably over the passenger seat, face down. She can rest her chin on the head rest and place her hands on the back seat cushions in order to give herself extra support (not to mention the ability to push herself up and around for access to kissing and eye contact with her partner).

The man gets in much the same as the mission missionary, placing his knees on the bottom passenger seat cushion and then drapes his body over top hers. He can also use the bottom rear seat cushion to support his upper body. Once in this base position, there are many other variations that can be worked out using your own creativity.

The ‘When All Else Fails’ Missionary

(must have a back seat)

When you’ve tried front ways and sideways and back ways, and you still can’t find a working position, your next best option is to position yourself in the center of the vehicle. The woman begins by seating herself in the middle of the back seat, positioning her hips as far forward as possible. Tilting both seats forward (in position for rear seat passengers to exit the vehicle), she should be able to rest her feet comfortably on the seat backs.

The man then climbs over the center console, placing his knees and or ankles on the seat backs for lower body support. He then stretches himself forward over his partner. From here he can use the rear seat backs to support his upper body.

Note: A sparkling glove (as shown) may provide the needed gripping strength for the more creative maneuvers that lay ahead.

With this particular position you are taking full advantage of the extent of space that these little green cars have to offer. The next best area you would find beyond the center of the interior would be either on the hood or on top of the roof, but that’s a whole different article all together!

(Originally featured on Treehugger.com)

Personal  Predictions
Computers
According to Dave Evans, in terms of information saved and spent, we can expect our own personal computer storage needs to escalate from today’s 128 gigabytes, to 130 terabytes by the year 2020. Also in 2020, he believes a run of the mill, $1,000 quantum computer (harnessing the power of atoms and molecules) will contain the raw processing potential of the human brain. Once these systems have been fully integrated (2050), the raw processing power of that same $1,000 system, will match the neural computing power of the entire world (which in terms of 2050, will be about 9 billion brains).

Thanks to popular social networking sites, the next generation of teenagers will find themselves with more friends (cyberfriends) around the world, than in their own city/school. By 2020, almost every electronic device will be capable of universal language translation. Thanks to accelerated 3D software, we will no longer be limited to web-cams and chat rooms, but will use our avatar’s (digital image of self) to meet up with other friend’s avatars to shop, travel the world, and engage in romantic dating. Such popular websites as Second Life and Weopia have already opened these opportunities, but such interactions will only become more commonplace.

Fingerprint and iris (eye) scanning could replace the common wallet, but Esther Swilley, assistant professor of marketing at Kansas State University, believes consumers will also be pushed towards using wallet phones. These combination cell phone, credit card, (electronic) car keys, etc., will not warm up to consumers easily, considering misplaced cell phones are an all too common occurrence.

Security, Crime, and Privacy
Speaking of misplaced phones, identity theft and personal security will become one of the number one threats/crimes in North America. Millions of consumers will have their checking and savings accounts threatened by cybercrime. According to Frank Sowa, futurist and CEO of The Xavier Group, criminals in the year 2025 may have the choice to undergo emotion control chip implants to correct behavioral disorders.

According to Gene Stephens, author of Cybercrime in the year 2025, while our own personal security may be compromised with technology, the security of businesses and government will only grow stronger as they discover new ways to bring mass surveillance to society. Nothing we say or do will go unseen/unheard. Millions of nanodevices will weave across telephones, IP addresses, walls, and possibly even our own bodies (implants), creating a center stage from which we will all be given a starring role. In addition, improved capabilities of data storage will allow such captured footage to be stored indefinitely.

Medical
While nanotechnology has been given a bad name by conspiracy theorists, in the medical field it will allow drugs to be distributed to specific areas of the body where they can do the most good. This will decrease the amount of side effects normally caused by destructive chemotherapy, such as Taxol. Synthetic blood made from ‘plastic’ hemoglobin will save lives, robots will aid surgeons in delicate procedures, bones will be healed in 24-hours thanks to protein building bone injections, and tampering with DNA could become the newest form of steroid abuse.

According to Frank Sowa and Forecasting International, doctors will be able to fully regenerate artificial limbs in 2022, infectious diseases will be eliminated by 2028, and artificial brain implants will become a reality by 2030. As far as advancements in dentistry go, Sowa believes nanobots in toothpastes could be programmed to attack plaque (2020). Doctor/patient relationships will be forever changed with the addition of online consultations aided by web-cam. Jacob Teitelbaum M.D., author of the iPhone application, Natural Cures, believes patients will start the process at home entering all symptoms into an analysis program. “The computer will analyze (this information) and determine the likely diagnose treatments and tests needed,” explains Dr. Teitelbaum. “Then it makes a complete medical record of your case, which your doctor has in hand when you see them.”

World Predictions
Natural Resources vs. Conservation
The measure of natural resources and our ability to conserve them has been a big topic over the past decade, and will continue to be. Global water shortages will continue to hit countries hard, due to both drought and the gradual rise in sea level. It is estimated by author Lester R. Brown that fresh water could be reduced an additional 50 percent of what had been previously thought. Fresh water will become an increasingly valued commodity, offset slightly by the adoption of desalination plants. Experts predict water will eventually replace oil as the most valued commodity for the 21st century.

While China and India are currently the fastest growing world powers, they will also become one of the most polluted and dangerous to live in. This is due to their rapid industrialization, which is growing faster than safety/pollution controls are being put into place. Not only will these countries suffer from more acid rain, deforestation, and toxic pollution levels, citizens will be five times more likely to die of pollution-related pulmonary disease, than the average Canadian. Ultimately we will all suffer from this negligence, considering the earth’s ozone will be depleted an additional three percent by 2017, according to the National Center for Atmospheric Research.

New Forms of Energy
Organizations today are working harder than ever to place electricity in impoverished countries, such as Uganda, which currently has only 3.7 percent of its countryside electrified. The modern day miracle of light will allow many parts of the world to work, read, and do homework during the evenings. It is estimated that by 2030, 83 percent of the world will have electricity, which is a 10 percent improvement from 1970.

Over the next decade, the world will harness new energy like never before. Large propellers situated above highways could collect power from passing vehicles, powering lights and signs. Architects may incorporate special flooring in new buildings, which will harness electricity through the vibration/friction of walking. Nanodevices, used for personal electronic devices (MP3 players, cell phones), may use the flow of our own blood to recharge.

Solar, wind, and ocean current, which are currently considered ‘alternative’ forms of energy, will become more mainstream, powering 30 percent of the world (as compared to today’s 17 percent). By 2025, as many as 1,000 nuclear power plants could be operational. Without alternatives, the world’s thirst for oil will continue draining its dwindling supply (which will have peaked by 2020) by an additional 40 percent each year.

Global Warming
The MET office (UK’s national weather service), has released reports on the likelihood of global warming, and worst case scenario temperatures could rise as much as 4°C by 2060. This may not seem like much, but consider an increase of 3°C could transform Amazon rain forests into desert, and 4°C could melt Alpine glaciers, submerge low-lying landforms, and accelerate drought and mass animal/plant extinction. Some experts predict scientists may look towards such short-term solutions as injecting sulfur dioxide aerosols into the atmosphere to reflect sunlight, or fertilizing oceans with iron (Geritol Solution) to bolster algae growth (extract more CO2). Most agree, however, that the hidden effects of such solutions would prove far worse than doing nothing.

Transportation
By the year 2025, most experts agree that the number of vehicles in the world will rise from their current 800 million, to over a billion. Hydrogen may be the fuel of choice by 2020, considering its ease of liquification and clean, nitrogen emissions, but the zero emissions of electric vehicles should also be a consideration. The battle of hydrogen vs. electric has only begun, but Chelsea Sexton (Who Killed the Electric Car) believes electric will win out. “I don’t personally believe we will see hydrogen on a mass scale for decades,” says Sexton, referring to their trillion dollar infrastructure. “Hydrogen is the perfect example of just because you can, doesn’t mean that you should.”

By 2020, bio-diesel made from soybean, wheat, corn, sugarcane, and algae, will be used for 30 percent of all commercial/consumer vehicles, according to global market surveys. While flying cars have been predicted by futurists since the 1960s, their weight to propulsion ratio has limited such technology to only the very wealthy. This decade, with the Terrafugia Transition and M400 Skycar ($200,000+) leading the way, personalized flight may one day become affordable for all.

Population Trends
According to Statistics Canada for Canadian Heritage, by 2031, over a quarter of the Canadian population will be foreign born. This is nearly double the proportion reported by the 2006 Census. Vancouver and Toronto will house the majority of these exploding populations (growing at 4X the rate of the rest of the population), which will equate to about 60 percent of both cities’ total population.

War
Many experts believe the possibilities of ‘Hot Wars’ could be escalated due to global warming and diminishing resources. According to a CNA (Center for Naval Assessment) report, there are two factors which will increase the threat of war, crowding and competition for habitable land. As global warming depletes land and resources, smaller countries will battle neighboring countries for territory. In addition, if warming trends uncovers new habitable areas in the Arctic, smaller countries will not be the only ones interested. Larger world powers may not care as much about additional territory, but they will be interested in their untapped oil resources.

As far as the warfare itself goes, the greatest threat in the future will be terrorists and bio-attacks. According to author, Marvin J. Cetron, most extremist terrorist groups will acquire the technology of nuclear weapons by 2020. Bio-attack will involve nanoparticles, bacteria, and/or viruses sent undetectably through the air, reaching behind enemy lines and/or populated cities, killing large amounts of people with minimal manpower. According to Frank Sowa and Forecasting International, robotic warriors may become the foot soldier by the year 2022. In addition, ‘optical cloaking’, a technology capable of bending light around objects (invisibility) is currently under design and testing.

World Domination
According to Frank Sowa, North America will find itself a decreasing dominant world power over this next decade. The new world powers to watch for are the Dragon (China) and the Tiger (India). Over the short haul, the Dragon will easily dominate the first half of the century, building its military, negotiating the world’s remaining oil supplies, and educating their youth to prospective leaders, scientists, and doctors. The Tiger’s democratic leanings, diplomatic freedom, and concentration on defense rather than military dominance, will offer more economic viability/stability over the long haul, making India the more likely dominant power for the second half of the century.

A.I.
Artificial Intelligence (A.I.) is always a hot topic, and while some predict such technology is on its way, others, such as Dr. Stephen L. Thaler, President & CEO of Imagination Engines, claim it is already here. Despite countless warnings from futuristic movies, such as Terminator and iRobot, we are moving towards a world of artificial intelligence, which will one day control our finances, health, education, environment, and politics. “This is not the beginning of a war waged by machines against men, or vice versa,” says Dr. Thaler, reassuringly.

Dr. Thaler is the father of the “Creativity Machine,” which is an A.I. program capable of composing music, inventing products (Oral-B CrossAction toothbrush), and even training robotic cockroaches. But the most interesting concept here is that while Dr. Thaler may be the mastermind behind the ‘machine’, the machine has since taken over, and is now the mastermind behind its own inventions. What will they (computers) think of next?

The Question of Whether or Not We are Alone
Many scientists believe that with the rapid advancement of telescopes and space missions, we will have an answer by the end of this decade, as to whether or not we are alone. There have been over 300 planets discovered; exemplifying everything needed for life, according to Harvard astronomer, Dimitar Sasselov. It is likely one will offer the proof we’ve been looking for.

Armageddon: 2012
A big scare over the next two years will be ‘Armageddon’, or what others are calling the prophecy of the Mayans: 2012. “We have uncovered many prophecies about the last days of this world,” says Peter Kling, author of Letters to Earth You Can Survive Armageddon! “These prophecies come from many peoples in many lands and have been the basis for religious beliefs of cultures like the sun worshiping Mayans—occult writings or sayings of people like Nostradamus—(and) information encoded in the Bible.”

According to Kling, there are 5 signs before Armageddon will occur. One, a declaration of Peace, followed by a nuclear attack. Two, the formation of a one world government, caused by the nuclear disaster. Three, an end to all religion. Four, world wide unrest, and finally, a sign in the sky (most likely the comet as foretold by Nostradamus).

Many clairvoyants from California Psychics, believe 2012 will not have any significant meaning to our lives. “It will be much like the scare of 1999,” says Joey. There are also those that predict only a slight disturbance. “A mass power outage due to a solar flair, but the government could prevent it.” says Rondalafay. “We might have a computer glitch—have some money on hand,” warns Sherie. One psychic sees a slightly larger disturbance. “There will be a major physical catastrophe (climate change),” says Winter. “(But) it will spark more human compassion and kindness.” Another psychic sees very positive change. “There will be a significant increase in the spiritual awareness of our world,” says Riley.

“2020—will be business as usual for the human race,” says Dr. Stephen L. Thaler. “The battle for gold and pleasure, lots of new gadgets, conflicts galore, and plenty of spin control to convince us that we are in a new and wonderful age, helping to channel the gleaming yellow metal in the right directions.”

(photo/article originally appeared in Urban Male Magazine, Summer 2010)

What does living life to the “extreme” in the summertime mean? Well, to some it means the thrill of plunging into a pine scented abyss of gurgling water, dodging bobbing rubber ducky’s and balancing a laptop carelessly on the edge of their garden sized Jacuzzi tub. To others it means wavering carelessly in the lazy man-made pool/rivers of the Las Vegas casino hotels, making sure to stay awake long enough to lather a few blobs of sun block over their bodies before the 1 mile per hour current catches them up.

Then there are those who believe that a summer is not complete unless they have tackled as many class V river journeys as they can fit into every free weekend. Lucky for us, there is a cozy spot in between these extremes that would fit almost anyone’s taste for living on the edge. Whitewater rapids are generally classified on a scale of one to ten. One being just a bit more exciting than a boring ride at Water World and ten being very similar to being shot from a catapult across your neighbors slip-n’-slide that’s been rolled out over a garden of boulders and crocodiles.

Probably the most extreme whitewater trip ever recorded was led by the renowned explorer, Pasquale Scaturro. This trip opened up at the Springs of Sakala in Ethiopia (a.k.a. Little Blue Nile) and ended at the mouth of the Mediterranean Sea in the ancient Egyptian city of Alexandria. The trip lasted four months and involved a crew of sixteen explorers, an IMAX camera, one sixteen foot raft, gallons of cascading raw sewage, a few nose plugs and one stout kayak. This documentary can be viewed in the comfort and safety of a dry chair and your local IMAX theaters.

A few of the most extreme trips in North America as described by E-raft.com are the American Giant Gap, located in the Tahoe National Forest and the Forks of Kern, which is a multi-day trip through the remote Sierra canyons of California. New York has its Moose rapids, near Adirondack Park. West Virginia is known for its premier Gauley, which peaks during the fall time at Summersville Lake. Costa Rica has a difficult stretch of waters in their Peralta section of the Reventazon. The Snake (Murtaugh) of Idaho is famous for its early spring rapids and the Animas of Colorado is a majestic trip through the snow capped mountains of San Juan.

This is the part where I must tell you that you should be in relatively good physical condition to take on a whitewater adventure. It can be dangerous, but within the danger is a quiet beauty that cannot be experienced on foot anywhere else in the world. To find most any classification of whitewater river rafting trip in your area, visit the American Whitewater Association (www.americanwhitewater.org) for further details. If it is water and it involves your little ducky it probably isn’t extreme unless you’re pulling him in tow along the Chattooga canyons of South Carolina!

(Photo via jnmontario, originally published in Coffee House Digest)

There have been many great pranks and practical jokes that have passed through college campuses and dormitories over the past couple centuries. In fact, it could be said that some of the greatest pranks in history were not pulled off by skilled professionals, but rather college students. MIT is famous for its police car, firetruck, and grand piano, which students managed to drag to the top of the 15-story dome over the course of one night.

During the golden age of Buffoonery in the 50’s and 60’s, pranks were a way of life, and thanks to reduced investigative technology, they were also a lot easier to get away with. We’re talking about M-80 firecrackers (Tubular Solutes) in dormitory phone booths, flaming bags of dog sh**, and throwing clothed dummies into oncoming traffic. “In those days your worst fear was getting caught and dragged to your parents, because you knew they were going to beat the sh** out of you,” says John Doe, Class of ‘58. “One of my favorite pranks from this era has become known as Operation Dung Drop.”

Operation Dung Drop

What is the most butchered and defaced statue in college history? The USC Tommy Trojan. A few years ago, well, it was more like a few decades ago, a couple students from the rival school, UCLA, decided to rent a helicopter and toss a few hundred pounds of cow manure on top of old Tommy. This brainful crew must not have included an engineering student, as they forgot to consider that the propeller blades of a helicopter actually suck small particles upwards while hovering. Well, as they were dumping the package, a good portion ended up swooping back up into the cockpit, where every accomplice received a mouth full of sh**.
—University of Southern California (USC), 1958

Currently we are immersed in the electronic age, where a booty call can come in the form of a simple text or Facebook message. With such convenience, however, comes the perfect opportunity for punking, as nobody knows with any degree of certainty who is really sitting on the opposite end of the device. This is how the modern day classic, Victoria’s Secret, was indoctrinated into the college pranking hall of fame.

Victoria’s Secret


UC Berkeley pulled a rather public psychological prank against USC’s star player at the time, Gabe Pruitt, during a crucial basketball game between the schools. Halfway through the game, Berkeley students began to chant the name “Victoria”, and recite the digits to Pruitt’s cell phone number. It didn’t take long to figure out that Pruitt had been messaging a mystery girl, looking forward to hooking up with her after he returned from the game. In his own words, “I want to CU so bad.” Turns out the girl was just a bunch of rambunctious students, and Pruitt went on to shoot 3 for 13, resulting in Berkeley’s triumph by 13 points.
—UC Berkeley, 2006

There are of course many other pranks and practical jokes that have occurred across campuses and cities across America, and the following represents one of my personal favorites (some names and dates may have been changed to protect the awesome).

The Birds
Back in the Summer of ‘96, I fell victim to a super lame prank where upon waking from a drug filled 3-day outdoor music festival, I found that my friend “Gonzo” had filled my hair with the chewed gum and cigarette butts he had collected while I was unconscious. I vowed revenge.

Flash forward 2 years, my friend “Nakki” and I are exiting a late movie around 2am at the multiplex in Albany NY. As we strolled through the lobby, I couldn’t help but notice that the lone custodian was piling up massive, 50 gallon drum liners filled with the left over popcorn from that day. Sometimes inspiration just smacks you in the face, and before we could even formulate the entirety of our plan, Nakki and I were walking through the parking lot to my SUV, each of us carrying 6 or 7 of these massive popcorn sacks, and drove to Gonzo’s house.

We asked Gonzo if he would mind lending us his car. Now, I don’t want to suggest that Gonzo was dumb. Come to think of it, I do want to suggest that Gonzo was dumb. Gonzo, if you’re reading this, you were dumb to lend us your car and you know it. We emptied half the bags of popcorn into the vehicle and then rolled all the windows down just enough to fit a small portion of each plastic bag through the slit in the window. When we were all done it really was a work of art.

The next morning I get a phone call from “Gump,” one of Gonzo’s house mates. I can barely understand him through his hysterical laughter, but what he is trying to explain to us is that someone filled Gonzo’s car with popcorn and he’s currently outside trying to clean up the mess but is being attacked by a horde of hungry pigeons and neighborhood children! Amazing. If we had the technology then, this surely would have made us Youtube superstars.
—My name is Gherkin and I approve the retelling of this tale, University at Albany (SUNY), ‘96

Ever wonder which female celebrity would fit you best if you had the opportunity to hook up with one? Well, come on down, you’re the next contestant on… The Celebrity Dating Game! The show where your dreams (or worst nightmare) can become reality! We have for you five young celebrity hotties, none of which has had the likes a ‘decent’ guy in months, so its up to you to fill that space! Here are the rules of play:

You will have three rounds of questions and answers from which to help choose which celebrity bachelorette best fits your personality. After you choose, you will be swept off via dreamland express on an all expenses paid storyline describing your date in detail. But be very careful with your choice, some of the contestants are a bit more hot than the others… okay, a whole lot more hot!

Round One

Bachelorettes, what is your best idea of a romantic date?

1. Bachelorette #1: “Well, I have never had much luck with romance over my life, but if I were in charge of a date, it would begin by giving him a ride in me beloved Bentley. Then I would find a quaint pub to go hide in the corner and talk. If we hit it off, I’d let him drive my Bentley back to me place… and…” (shrugs her shoulders as a guy in the audience screams, “yeah!”)
2. Bachelorette #2: “I love music, so I would want to go to see a concert at a hip Hollywood club. Perhaps The Damnwells, as they always put on a great show and make me feel like letting go of myself. If things went well, I would let him hold my hand and dance with me… then if he played his cards right, he just might get a goodnight kiss.”
3. Bachelorette #3: “Wow, that is a tough one. If I knew him really well and we were somewhat of an item, I would treat him to my own lingerie show. I would let him choose the outfits he would like to see, put on some cool jazz, and… yeah!” (guy in audience comes back with another robust “yeah!!”)
4. Bachelorette #4: “This may sound strange, but there is like nothing more romantic to me than making out after an all out cat and dog fight. You can take all that balled up fury and frustration and just attack each other and go at it until your so tired, you forget what you were even fighting about.”
5. Bachelorette #5: “I think dating can be torture, so I like to keep everything simple for the first couple of weeks. I think romance is fostered in the simple things, such as taking a walk, going shopping, or even just sharing a cup of coffee.”

Round Two

Bachelorettes, do you have any distinguishing tattoo’s you could tell me about?

1. Bachelorette #1: “Yes I do, I have a little pink heart on my hip, angel wings on my back, a star on the back of my neck. Uh, skull and cross bones on me ankles. (laughs) I recently found a keyboard tattoo on the inside of my right arm. I have no idea when exactly it got there, or by whom, or what it even means. I don’t even know how to play chopsticks.” (she giggles)
2. Bachelorette #2: “Well, I don’t usually display it very often, but since you ask, I do have a personal tattoo I had done several months back. It is of a sun setting over the sea with tiny stars dancing across the sky. It on my left arm. It basically serves as a reminder that I must always challenge myself as both a woman and an actress, and kill my buttons (fears).”
3. Bachelorette #3: “Certainly many men should already know the answer to this, as I am not too shy when it comes to showing skin (men in the audience hoot loudly). But since this is less of a ’show’ than a ‘tell’, I would have to say no, I don’t have any tattoos. But if you ask nice, I might just let you apply a temporary one—somewhere…”
4. Bachelorette #4: “I used to get bored looking in the mirror naked and seeing the same thing day after day. To keep life exciting I began getting various tattoos all over my body. One of my favorite pieces right now is my pin-up girl. I’ve got several—I’ll show you mine if you show me yours…” (a wave of “ohhhh’s” waves through the audience)
5. Bachelorette #5: “I am very proud and confident of who I am and I do not need a tattoo to express that. If I want to change something about my body I just die my hair brown. That is plenty of excitement for me. Even my own family hardly recognizes me with brown hair anymore.” (low disappointing murmur from the audience)

Round Three

What would you say was your sexiest body part and why?

1. Bachelorette #1: (laughs) “Well, me bosoms are quite lovely. But as I truly believe that the eyes are the windows to our soul, my hazel eyes are probably what you would notice first… at least I would hope so.” (laughs along with the audience)
2. Bachelorette #2: “I am actually very comfortable with all of me. My sexuality, body… face. Well, sometimes I’m not as comfortable with my face, but it’s stuck there and there’s not a thing I can do about that. At least I’ll always have plastic surgery to fall back on.” (laughs, as audience is strangely quiet)
3. Bachelorette #3: “I would have to say that my sexiest part is my soul, which includes my charisma, ambition, humor, and intelligence. I don’t see body parts themselves as necessarily being sexy. It is who you are inside. You could have the most beautifully body in the world, but if you have an ugly soul, you’ve got nothing.” (women in the audience clap)
4. Bachelorette #4: “My hair is definitely one of my sexiest features. I can do just about anything with it… spike it, swoop it, beehive it, and then mop up my bathroom floor with it. I am really a very multi-versatile girl.”
5. Bachelorette #5: “I don’t think much about my appearance. I actually think focusing too much of your energy on looks is boring. But as I am sure that is not the answer you and the audience were looking for, I will say that my butt and thighs get more press coverage than my career on some days.”

Now is the part where you must choose your favorite bachelorette for your big date. Who will it be:

(Choose your favorite Bachelorette below and then follow the storyline to your dates description…)

a) Bachelorette #1: The audience claps loudly as Kelly Osbourne comes stampeding around the wall and tackles you to the ground with a big teddy bear hug. You gasp for air, then faint from shock and the lack of oxygen! When you awake, you are riding in the back seat of a Bentley. You look around the cozy, plush surroundings and think to yourself, ‘this isn’t going to be as bad as I thought’. Suddenly you feel the brakes drag the Bentley to a standstill. A pair of feet hit the ground and the rear door slowly opens. Sharon Osbourne peaks in and looks you up and down, murmuring, “he’ll do.” Three burly bodyguards grab you and begin to drag you through a cheering audience. Through the blinking lights, you begin to make out a figure in the distance beckoning you forward. You are spun around and Kelly gives you a big wet kiss, spearing lipstick and black makeup all over your face. You are pulled up on stage. You look up and see Ozzy smiling down. You begin to smile back as he opens his mouth to an ungodly proportion and begins to suck your head into his mouth. You struggle to break free… chomp!

b) Bachelorette #2: Twilight Zone music begins to play over the studio loudspeaker. You drop to your knees and begin to pray for a quick ending. Then, as all hope seemed lost, Scarlett Johansson swings around the corner and gives you a big hug. You hardly have a chance to blink away the tears of joy as the two of you are whisked away on a private jet to Mona Island, forty-two miles off the west coast of Puerto Rico. The sun warms your face gently as you step off the plane and are met by two bodyguards with concerned, constipated expressions painted on their faces. “Miss Scarlett, Miss Scarlett,” they whimper. “The reservations for your guest have been canceled.” She pats them gently on the back, before patting you playfully on the rear. “Set him up in my room, would you boys,” she says with a wink. “And don’t forget the whip cream!”

c) Bachelorette #3: Techno music begins to pulse through the stage speakers as Alessandra Ambrosia does a catwalk across the front stage wearing her Victoria Secret Angel costume. You begin bobbing your head to the music with a big smile, as several other angels, Izabel Goulart, Miranda Kerr, Adriana Lima, Karolina Kurkova, and Selita Ebanks carry out a chair fit for a king and push you into it. As the girls wave large ostrich feathers across your body, Alessandra turns, focusing her attention on you, and begins to confidently strut in your direction. Upon reaching you, she swings her leg up onto your shoulder and begins to give you one of the most erotic chair dances the world has ever seen. When she is finished, she then leans down and whispers quietly in your ear, “Wanna come home for the climax?”

d) Bachelorette #4: Snickers can be heard from most every audience member as Amy Winehouse peeks around the corner with a toothless grin that only a mother could love. You can see that she is holding a half eaten cabbage in her left hand. Your eyes dart about for the quickest escape route as she drunkenly limps your direction. “Wait a minute,” you exclaim. “Aren’t you married or something like that?” She picks out a giant chunk of rotten cabbage from between the gap in her teeth, smiles, and slides a red Spiderman ring on your finger, “I thought you’d never ask!”

e) Bachelorette #5: It’s the moment of truth at last. Your hands are sweating, your heart is pounding… then a big burly bald guy rounds the corner holding out his hand for a firm handshake. You stand paralyzed as visions of bowl-legged midnight jail love sessions crash across your glass filled heart. “This is Renee Zellweger,” he says firmly, as he gestures towards a small silhouette behind his broad shoulders. “No touching, smooching, flirting, staring, or dancing—have a good time kids!”

(originally appeared in Urban Male Magazine)

The night felt…

• Sultry (go to A)
• Lonely (go to Z)
• Strangely quiet (go to C)

A) I stepped out of the cab and entered through the doors of the Mandalay Bay. Spying around the layout, I could tell that the heat was taking its toll as a group of three ladies walked around me wearing spandex miniskirts and laced up bustier tops. Feeling pretty confident, I adjusted the collar on my black Pierre Cardin button down shirt and looked briefly down…

• Towards my zipper to make sure that it was all the way up (go to D)
• To make sure the rolled-up sock inside my jeans had not started down my pant leg (go to E)
• And thought to myself, why the heck am I wearing this Pierre Cardin shirt (go to Y)

B) As I approached I could tell that her breasts had exploded out the top of the bustier and she was frantically trying to put it back into the cup which was obviously too small.

• “You’re never going to get that back in there,” I said while unbuttoning my own shirt. “Here, take this…” (go to M)
• Seeing this as a once in a lifetime chance, I whipped out my cell phone and began taking pictures like a post lobotomy patient on Viagra (go to L)

C) I looked around my barren room at the Golden Nugget and realized that I was all alone. Trying to remember the events of the day that had lead me here, I could remember a girl named Fondue, lots of drinks… and now I could feel an empty chill over the space of my right butt cheek where my wallet used to be.

• I grabbed the fifty I had left on the stand for the maid and headed out the door to Club Pure (go to V)
• I sat for a moment and began to remember bit and pieces—then it all came to me like a rush of Himalayan snow during an avalanche. I was leaving a bar when I bumped into a woman stepping out of a stretch limo… (go to L)

D) Well, yeah it was, but the entire front of my pants was covered with dripped vanilla ice cream stains from the ride over in the cab.

• I looked over at the luscious woman and thought the heck with it and began to walk in her direction (go to H)
• Thinking quickly I grabbed the copy of the Las Vegas Strip, tucked it under my arm and casually held it over the front of my pants and approached her confidently. “Hi, haven’t I seen you someplace before?” (go to O)

E) Just as I grabbed a hold of the sock to make a quick adjustment, one of the girls with the mini-skirts had dropped back from the group and was adjusting her breasts inside her pink and black top.

• As the gentleman that I am, I made my way up to her to see if I could offer my assistance to the matter (go to B)
• She was bending over and pushing up on her bustier with a shimmy, so I dropped to the floor to tie my shoe and made a casual glance up her skirt (go to W)

F) “Hey,” she interrupts my train of thought. “Would you like to go to a private party upstairs with me and my friend?” My expression turns hesitant. “All the girls from Deal or No Deal are going to be there and they have been looking for a gentleman escort to show them around town.”

• “I don’t know. I just got in town myself and don’t know the layout real well.” (go to K)
• “Sure, let’s step to it.” I blurt (go to R)

G) “Why thanks,” she said. “You should see me when it’s cold outside and I’m returning from a wet t-shirt contest.”

• “Actually,” I said. “I think I’d rather not…” (go to X)
• “Yes, you must be quite the vision…” (go to F)

H) As I reached her side, she was still busy attending to her girls. She saw my shadow extended across the floor and peered directly over towards the stains on my pants.

• I laughed, “Yeah, I think I went a bit overboard on the hair gel tonight…” (go to X)
• “I spilled ice cream on me on the way over here,” I said. “Do you need a hand with that? (go to I)

I) “Well, from the looks of things,” she said. “You must not be real good with your hands, so I think I can handle this one all by myself.”

• “Suit yourself,” I say (go to N)
• “I understand. I am an absolute klutz and would not deserve the company of a woman as fine as you.” (go to P)

J) “I was just about to make all your dreams come true until you said that.” She smirks coyly. 24 minutes, 17 seconds later we were making out in the restroom of the Golden Nugget with the intensity and motion of an Alaskan fisherman digging a hole on a frozen lake with a dull ice pick. We never exchange names, but I figured I would learn more once the photos were published on her website. THE END

K) “No worries,” she winks. “You’re in good hands and we shall take good care of you.” Five minutes later I was toasting champagne with the entire female cast of Deal or No Deal. Just as one of the happiest moments of my life was about to unfold, the door breaks down and ten LV cops storm the place. “Alright everybody,” The cop hollers smugly. “Strip and spread ’em.” I was about to unbuckle my pants as the cop calls out to me, “Not you partner, we’re going to need a hand with some of these body cavity searches if you don’t mind.” THE END

L) “You stupid or something?” She asks. “Do you have any idea who I am?” At that point a group of secret service agents surrounded me, push me to the ground and handcuff me. “What should we do with him” asks the lead agent. “Heck, I don’t care,” she grunts. “Put a wig on him and throw him in the limo with President Clinton—I’ve got to catch up with Chelsea and her friend.” THE END

M) “Why thank you kind sir,” she said with a Southern draw. “But what are you going to wear now?”

• “I don’t know—but you might look pretty good on me though,” I said with a wink, handing her the shirt. (go to J)
• I haphazardly flexed my triceps as I removed the final sleeve from my arm and handed her the shirt (go to T)

N) I turned to walk away as I felt a hand grab my arm and a harsh feminine voice say, “Your place or mine?”

• “Both”, I said. “You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.” (go to S)
• Stopping with a grin, I turned in her direction. “Yours will do just fine.” (go to R)

O) “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore,” she scoffed jabbing her breasts into her brazier cup and began walking and calling after her friends to wait up. Thinking perhaps this was not exactly my place to get lucky tonight, I decided to…

• Head over to Club Pure (go to V)
• Tuck my Strip Las Vegas magazine proudly under my arm and… (go to U)

P) “Wait,” she calls apologetically. “Did you mean everything you just said?”

• “Psych!” I laugh. “I just wanted to make out; doesn’t anyone do that anymore without all this song and dance?” (go to R)
• “Yes I did, you are the most beautiful woman I have seen tonight and I would love to dance with you.” (go to Q)

Q) “But I don’t want to dance with you.” She says matter of fact.

“Come on, lower your standards a little bit and lie—I just did!” I say with a confident smirk.

Staring at me for several moments, she eventually begins to laugh. “You’ve got a lot of courage you know that and that usually means you’re skilled in the other areas. Let’s get you out of those clothes and into something a little more comfortable.” THE END

R) Feeling a hand sweep through the back of my hair, I turn to see the ugliest, most muscular man wearing a blonde wig I had ever seen in my life. Grabbing my hair, it bowled me over onto the floor and dragged me out the door for what seemed to be several yards before we came to a thick patch of shrubs. I cried, “I’m not a girl!” It just chuckled, “No matter, I’m not either!” THE END

S) “Wait,” she urges. “At least let me make it up to you with a mediocre kiss.”

“Mediocre,” I cry. “Why can’t I have a good one?”

“Don’t push your luck,” she smiles to reveal a mouth full of metal braces and green rubber bands. THE END

T) Looking over my body, her tongue began to appear out of the front of her mouth. She made a soft groan while handing me back the shirt. “Here, I think you need this much more than I do.” I went back to my empty hotel room after that shameful moment and did 10 sit-ups and ate 11 ice cream cones. THE END

U)… head to the first restroom I could find. When I opened the door, I was pulled through a time warp and ended up in a toilet stall of the Golden Nugget. Feeling an eerie presence in the stall, I tried to stand up to leave and was unable to move. Looking around to see what was holding me; I noticed two hairy hands on my waist and attached to them was a security guard. “Oh, thank you,” he cries looking up towards the ceiling. “Thank you!” THE END

V) Club Pure was really bumping. The DJ was in high spirits and the crowd appeared to be 90% female. As I approached the dance floor a brunette pulled me into the frenzy of dancing people and her and her girlfriends began to gyrate to the beat. Getting excited I grab for the brunettes hair and her wig falls to the ground where it is quickly swept away by the crowds feet.

“Britney, Lindsay, Paris, Nicole—what are you guys doing here?” I exclaim.

“Wanna make a video?” Britney rubs her bald head against my chest. THE END

W) All I could see was a baggy pair of Sponge Bob men’s underwear. Just at that unfortunate moment she caught my eyes looking in her direction and she grins.

• I quickly dropped my shoe laces and swung around towards the door and saw a lonely young woman leaning against the wall smoking. I thought of a smooth opening line and made my approach. “You look… (go to Z)
• I stood up, dusted off my knees and exclaimed, “I’ve got a pair just like that…” (go to G)

X) With a stunned look on her face, the woman frowns and looks at me with disdain, “You mean you didn’t wait for me?”

• “What are you talking about?” I ask (go to J)
• Unable to think of a comeback, I smile and shrug my shoulders (go to L)

Y) I knew I could have made out with this delicate creature standing before me. What she didn’t know is that I was more interested in getting back to watch my taped episode of Oprah. I quickly pulled my “I Love Richard Simmons” t-shirt over top my Pierre Cardin and headed back to my hotel room. THE END

Z) Lonely like a hillbilly starlet wearing a Depends diaper, drinking a glass of prune juice and eating a raw cabbage wedge. It was certainly lucky that I met up with this little lady because it was sure going to beat sifting through old ash tray bins looking for spare change. I ended up spending the rest of the evening playing toilet bowl battleship with her in a hotel room. I lost all nine games, but kept a few of my sunken battleships as a souvenir for my trip back home. THE END

(Originally published in Las Vegas Strip Magazine)

“Move away… air dangerous,” The man yelled, quickly exiting the vehicle and running for cover under a Wiener Schnitzel stand near by, leaving his door wide open and windows ajar.

Lighting a cigar and taking a couple concentrated drags, he tilted his head back, blew out a ring of smoke, and snapped his head back towards my direction. “Gas deadly. Just ate bean. Taco bean. Incomparable damage. My name is Laloo Prasa Yadividoo. I am Sikh Indian, here nine days since last bathe. Need you go somewhere?”

Taking a moment to digest what it  was I had just witnessed, I glanced towards my watch in one last moment of desperation.

“Can you take me to the airport?”

Many hand wafts and three King air fresheners later we were on the way. Pulling out into oncoming traffic, Laloo looks back at me through his rear view mirror with a smile, “I (sick) Sikh… Sikh… Sikh.” I smiled back and nodded in agreement.

“I know. Do we need to stop by a restroom or something?”

“No sick tummy… Sikh Indian. No afraid, me been to airport many time without…” Puffing his cheeks and bulging his eyes, “BOOM!” Smiling again, he looks back into the rear view mirror and winked, “Terrorist bad, Sikh Indian good.”

“What brings you here to New York, Mr. Sikh.” I asked curiously.

“Computer job, fired yesterday.” He remarked sadly, while making a left turn in front of an oncoming truck.

“What were you fired for?”

“Dun know…” he remarked confusedly as he swung around the seat facing me. “ I toll lady fix computer, erase all file… you no understand file… erase it… I Sikh… Sikh Indian. Here eight days since last bathe… I go now. Erase file. Just ate bean. Gas deadly. Incomparable damage.”

He looked towards the road for a split second after sideswiping the grocery cart of a homeless woman crossing the street, turning back around to continue his story. “Later, man visit me at toilet. Claim he fired me. He yell at me. Another man hand me key. He say drive cab, you drive cab. No more computer for you, jus’ cab…”

Laloo then became very silent, grimacing in horror, as from under his seat rumbled what can only be described as the sight and sound of a 69′ Volkswagen starting up on a cold winter’s morning. That is, a worn VW Bus revved at full throttle until two cylinders pop, echoing a high pitched whine which would eventually fade into a deafening explosion of green metallic cloud.

Laloo screeched the breaks, stopped in mid traffic, and began to run from the cab.

“Gas deadly… I am Sikh.” Laloo was instantly knocked down upon the ground by an on-foot police officer as people began to pour from their cars and take to the streets running frantically. The radio was blaring an emergency broadcast signal warning all citizens of a gas bomb deployed in downtown New York City by a “sick” Muslim terrorist.

I stepped out the cab and slowly proceeded through the empty streets towards the airport. On my way, I couldn’t help but hear Laloo’s screams of defiance.

“No terrorist! Me Sikh… Sikh Indian, eat bean nine days since last bathe!”

THE END

(Story originally appeared in The Circle)

1. Lust: Thou Shall Not Rush Into Sex
Sex is a fundamental desire in an intimate relationship, but rushing into sex too soon can undermine true intimacy, replacing it with lust. A worthy man does not need to have sex within the first few dates. He may be thinking about it, and if you allow him certain advantages, he may certainly take initiative, but in truth, he is probably more enthralled with the chase than the reward. If you give away all your treasure and mystery before he’s had to work for it, he could quickly lose interest, pursuing his interests elsewhere. As in most things in life, the more you have to work for something, the more you will appreciate it once it’s yours.

2. Pride: Thou Shall Not Change the Man/Woman
Pride has many faults, such as desiring perfection in ourselves and our mate. But one of the worst things you can do in this pursuit, is to assume that you can change a man into everything you ever wanted. Men, are fundamentally who they are. They may want to change, they may tell you they can change, but in general you should assume what you see, is what get. The only caveat, is to know when you’re being overly picky. While it may be annoying that he snorts when laughing at old reruns of Seinfeld, and can’t give a decent massage to save his life, is that just cause for throwing away a potentially, very satisfying relationship?

3. Greed: Thou Shall Not Expect Too Much Early On
One of the worst parts of dating is all the waiting. Does he like me? Are we dating, or just hanging out? Does he want children? Which way does he put the toilet paper on the roll? While all these questions maybe important down the road, they are certainly not important enough to be answered within the first few dates. A budding relationship should allow itself to unfold in due time, without forcing things. Take everything in stride, and focus on enjoying yourself and the company. Don’t open your true feelings up too fast, or expect him to do the same. Most men prefer the mystery in getting to know you.

4. Gluttony: Too Much of a Good Thing is also Called, Smothering
Like the old saying, If you hold a butterfly too tightly, it will crush. Some relationships start off smothering each other with love. There are fundamentally two kinds of relationships, passionate  and romantic. The passionate relationship is defined by lust, infatuation, and the jealousy associated with being apart. These relationships are never as happy as they could be, as it is hard to enjoy love when you are constantly in a state of panic. A Romantic relationship, by comparison, is every bit as passionate, but the relationship is based more on trust and security, than an obsession. Relax and enjoy each other, don’t smother!

5. Wrath: Thou Shall Not Allow Anger/Distrust to Filter Across from Past Relationships
Expecting all men to be like your last couple ex’s is a recipe for disaster. Relationships can be a dangerous business for our heart, but true love can never be achieved without sharing yourself openly with a potential soulmate. This is the catch 22 of all relationships, as in order for them to prosper, we must start each one on a fresh slate, which means assuming each person is ‘not guilty’ of all accounts of bad relationship practice (until proven otherwise). This puts ourselves in the position of possibly one day becoming hurt, but at the same time, distrusting and snooping around without just cause, scares away those worthy suitors, just as frequently as the unworthy.

6. Envy: Be Yourself’
Just because one person is all that and a bucket of cheese puffs in one persons eyes, doesn’t mean that they will be the same caliber in another person’s. Stay clear of love interests who like to compare you with their ex’s, offering advice on how to become more of what they prefer in a mate. A relationship is not all about what you can do for them, but also what they can do for you. Never neglect your own needs, trying to meet those of someone else. If you don’t feel like one of the most beautiful and appreciated people on the entire planet each time you’re together, you’re probably never going to.

7. Sloth: Thou Shall Not Fake Orgasms
Faking an orgasm seems a lot easier than dealing with the potentially uncomfortable position of telling a man his motions in the ocean are not quite rocking your boat. Make no mistake about it, faking an orgasm early in a relationship will only cause more confusion and hurt feelings later on. What’s he to say when you tell him on the day of your tenth anniversary, that all his old moves are just not going to cut it anymore. It is more difficult to teach an old dog new tricks. You’ve got to train them early, girls!

(Originally featured on California Psychics)

For years people have clamored over the IQ test, wondering if they’re smart, not smart, or exceptionally gifted. I say, all that matters is if you’re stupid or not, which will take about ten questions and five minutes of your time. If it takes any longer, don’t bother finishing, you’re just stupid!

1) If you are at a half price sale and you see an item on sale for $2.00, what would be your final price of that item?

1. Who cares, I wouldn’t buy it. It’s too cheap
   
2. $1.00 plus tax
3. Half of $2.00
4. You never gave me the final price

2) In the middle of negotiation, if the dealer tells you that they just cannot go much lower, you should…

1. Slap your hands on the desk and exclaim, “Okay, I’m out of here, like a shaken beer!”
2. Tell him to go back in the manager and see what they can do
   
3. Get down on bent knee and beg for at least a few dollars off of list price
4. Triumphantly scream, “Well, if that’s as low as you can go, I’ll take it!”

3) If you have a choice of an Ivy League school with an attached loan of $400,000, or a local community college for just under $50,000, which one should you choose?

1. The community college, as it does not matter over the long haul which college you attended
2. Go to the community college for the first two years, and then transfer over to the Ivy League for the last two. You will get an Ivy league degree for half the price
3. Can you say Ivy League fraternity and sorority parties? My bags are packed
4. Screw both. I’m going to be the assistant manager of fries, and that’s when the really big bucks start rolling in

4) If you are cooking bacon in a pan, and flames suddenly leap out onto your clothing, you should…

1. Pull out the baking soda from the cupboard and smother the flames with both the soda and a towel
2. Stop, Drop, and Roll
3. Call best friend and see what they’d recommend
4. Run as fast as you can
   

5) If you cannot figure out how to run the new copier at work, should you…

1. Ask a few office buddies to give you a hand
2. Look for the instruction manual
3. Push all the buttons and see what happens
4. Stand there and wait for someone to come by and copy them for you

6) If you are watching a magician, and they have just pulled a rabbit from a hat; you wonder…

1. When is this crap going to be over
2. Where is the hidden storage bin that rabbit came from
3. How was that rabbit able to breath all this time
4. Who would win in a battle, Mighty Mouse or that rabbit

7) You are on an icy road and your vehicle begins to jackknife to the right…

1. I would turn the steering wheel to the right to straighten out the vehicle
2. I would turn the wheel of the vehicle towards the direction I was sliding into
3. I would stomp on the brake pedal and scream, “Oh sh**!”
4. After I shimmied to the left, I would follow with another jackknife to the right

If you are out in a deserted wilderness and a tree falls…

1. Get the heck out of the way!
2. I would be the only one who knew if it made a sound
3. The tree would have fallen, end of story
   
4. I would conclude, therefore I must exist

9) In a game of blackjack, you have an ace of hearts and a five of diamonds; should you say…

1. “Hit me,” my chances of a better score beat the odds of a bust
2. “Stay,” it is a pretty good score, and the house just might bust trying to beat it
3. “Double-down”
4. “Can we play fifty-two card pick-up after this hand”

10) A thunderstorm suddenly appears while on a walk. You look around to see an umbrella, a dense patch of trees, and an old substation shack. The first thing that enters your mind is…

1. A little water never hurt anyone
2. I better grab an umbrella. It will be the lowest object around me, so I should stay fairly safe
3. Duck into the statically charged substation, as it will provide the best overall coverage
   
4. Jump on top of the substation with the umbrella to protect from the rain, while looking for the tallest metal object I can stand under
   

Score System:

1. = 4 points
2. = 3 points
3. = 2 points
4. = 1 point

Score of:

33-40 points: You’ve got your head screwed on straight for the most part. You see through the bullcrap and look at things for what they are. If you were on the Titanic you would have probably been a survivor, although you might have tossed a few woman and children over the side to get there. But, a little water never hurt anyone, right?

25-32 points: You’d like to think you’re pretty smart, but you aren’t. You follow what you’re told, and never really think for yourself. If you were a politician, you’d be a raving success!

18-25 points: Do you know what planet you are on? Could you read any of these questions properly? I think that we should just pretend this never happened for both our sake!

10-17 points: The crap in your brains has crap for brains! If we pulled together a group of the stupidest people on earth, they would all concur that you were even more stupid than them. Okay… so none of them would quite know what the word, concur, meant, but they would know you’re stupid!