We here in the United States have quite the collection of sex laws designating right from wrong for the human species. These laws regulate everything from brothels to our own bedrooms. Some of them in fact seem more like guidelines for a redneck and should not need to enforcement other than through the carefully drawn lines of our own dignity and human decency.

But alas, there must be more Uncle Dave’s in the Ozark mountains than we realize who have been married and divorced nine times (two of them human) and have no clue what it means to “keep certain things to themselves.” It is for these folks that we have created such laws—and this month’s quiz asks you which of these below mentioned laws are legally enforced and which were created in the morbid and indecent back alleyways of my own mind…

1. Law or Slack Jaw?

In a section of Virginia where “site for sore eyes” refers to wanting to gauge your eyes out for every woman wearing anything less than a surplus tent, is it outlawed to have intercourse with the lights on, where you can actually see what it is you are having intercourse with.

2. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Alabama, it is against the law for a man to seduce “a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery, or promise of marriage.”

3. Law or Slack Jaw?

In the state of Utah, animals are considered part of Gods creation and are therefore sacred and protected from all heinous acts of sexual abuse.

4. Law or Slack Jaw?

Newcastle, Wyoming has an ordinance that restricts any couple from having intercourse while nude inside of a store’s walk-in meat freezer.

5. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Appalachia, West Virginia, cousins may engage in sexual intercourse as long as they have signed a release form stating that “any offspring born of such a union must be tested for mental retardation yearly through the age of 21.”

6. Law or Slack Jaw?

Merryville, Missouri has a ruling discouraging women from wearing a corset, stating “the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”

7. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Hot Springs, Arkansas it is legal to have intercourse with a deceased corpse as long as the victim (if you can still call them that) is “brought flowers and properly buried by the assailant afterwords.”

8. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Washington D.C. the only legal sexual position allowed to be performed behind the closed doors of ones own privacy is missionary.

9. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Buckfield, Maine, a taxi driver is “prohibited from receiving any sexual favors in exchange for a ride home from a nightclub or establishment which serves alcoholic beverages.”

10. Law or Slack Jaw?

Wyoming has a law that forbids the assistance of “self gratification” to any individual less than 21 years of age, even when a medical condition prohibits this act of normalcy.

Answer Key:

1. Law- Yes, this is indeed a law and why it was created is not the question here per say, but rather why it is also not also affective in Mobile. Alabama; Santa Fe, New Mexico; and Putnam County, Georgia!
2. Law- If they actually upheld this law, almost every man in the state would be behind bars, including the ones who made it! This is the only way a pot bellied, buck toothed, road kill eating, overall wearing, cousin marrying Alabamite would ever find a date. So have a heart Alabama, you are after all kinship to each other in one form or another.
3. Slack Jaw- About the only safety an animal receives in these desert plains is if an “anxious” Mormon performs a three-way with a beaver and a California king snake and the beaver chickens out and is asked to pay three bucks to watch—then it becomes illegal. In other words, intercourse with animals for profit is the only form of illegal bestiality in the state of Utah.
4. Law- I’d say that this one is more for the man’s own good. We all know what happens when a guy steps out of a cold pool—just imagine the effects of a freezing meat locker.
5. Slack Jaw- It would do us little good, as the entire state has been inbred so prolifically, the difference between a relative, a pet, and a neighbor is no more different than me, myself, and I.
6. Law- Kind of makes you proud to be an American, doesn’t it!
7. Slack Jaw- Okay, okay—perhaps a bit far fetched, but it is none-the-less illegal in every U.S. state to have sex with a corpse, which baffles the mind since the most obvious way anyone would even know about such an act, is if they had actually thought about it. Would any politicians care to comment?
8. Law- The only rear-end entry allowed in America’s political state capital, is towards its registered voters in the form of worthless elective choices. Missionary may be Washington D.C.’s choice sexual position, but not by public choice, but rather some political yahoo who probably has not been with a woman since the last time the Reagan administration remembered something.
9. Slack Jaw- Why this couldn’t be more the opposite of the truth. A cab driver is actually legally prohibited from charging any money above that of one sexual favor per each ride home.
   
10. Law- Give them at least one reason to live for crying out loud!

(article originally appeared in The Strip Las Vegas Magazine)

The shallow end of the gene pool is getting awfully deep around here folks and my research of some of the U.S. laws to guide American citizens down the path of righteousness and goodness is there to prove it. Throughout the course of history the U.S. has had some pretty ridiculous laws that would seem to be more a joke on human intelligence than a guide towards the accentuation of it. Let’s examine a few of these laws and discuss the frightening realization that as the tides continue to rise, it is these laws that we seem to clench to in order to sandbag this decline in morality and intelligence. Take cover, it may be time to build another Ark.

We start this editions session in Las Vegas, where the women and alcohol move almost as fast as the cash does. Over the course of their existence, it has been deemed necessary to limit the accepted attire of attendance during legislature hearings to decline the participation of anyone who wanders in wearing a phallic costume of any sort. Now you know that this probably means that at some point in Vegas’ dark history a member must have walked in wearing such an outfit. We can only assume that he was either testing his freedom of speech or advertising his first prescription to Viagra.

For those of you who have ever questioned the desperation of man and money, Las Vegas also had to create a law illegalizing the pawning of dentures for money. This would seem to be the very last straw before moving onto body organs on eBay. Speaking of desperation and panic of mutiny, Shawnee, Oklahoma has a ruling against the meeting of more than three dogs on anyone’s lawn unless the discussion is signed and proclaimed by the mayor.

New York City, the city of peace, love and unity has had to create a law against throwing a ball against someone’s head for fun. There is also an uplifting law that references anyone who commits that act of suicide by jumping off a building to be subjected to punishment by death if tried and convicted. Kind of convenient for those who actually fail, don’t you think? But for those who succeed, it then becomes illegal to arrest them as it is considered a misdemeanor to arrest a dead body.

With all the love oozing out of our cities today it is not surprising that at a point in Alabama’s history, they upheld a ruling limiting domestic violence to sticks no bigger than the diameter of the inflicter’s thumb. In Los Angeles such violence was limited to a two-inch strap unless given permission from the victim to use a wider one. On these terms we have the tender, toothless, tenacities of Arkansas residents, limiting domestic violence to no more than once a month. Isn’t that thoughtful? They give them time to heal between beatings.

On a happier note, Kentucky discourages the brainful act of carrying an ice cream cone in your pocket by a law. I would think the outcome would be punishment enough! In Wilbur, Washington it is illegal for any man to ride an ugly horse, which is also punishment enough, depending on the reference to the term “horse”. Florida has some of the most colorful and humorous of these laws, including the restriction for any man to wear a strapless gown, sing while in a swim suit or tie his elephant to a public meter without feeding the meter and I’m not talking about to the elephant; that would be illegal.

There are a few laws that have been set up to make all of our lives a little easier and enjoyable. In Pennsylvania it is illegal for a minister to perform a marriage while either the bride or groom is drunk. This would almost hinder the pronounced marriages of nearly all celebrities and businessmen during weekend trips to Las Vegas. Oregon takes a step farther and limits ministers’ use of onions and garlic before a sermon—hallelujah, no more crying and fainting during evangelistic miracle healings. And we can all rest easily passing through Louisiana now knowing they’ve passed a law saying it is legal to grow as tall as we want.

On the level of making the U.S. a little more beautiful to the naked eye, Pico River, California passed a law forbidding any woman over 200 pounds to ride a horse while wearing shorts. Only in California could this be a law. Keeping the roads safe, Idaho outlaws anyone over 88 from riding a motorcycle. Now if we could just get the ones off the road in a 5-ton SUV, we might all be a little safer. Chicago’s residents can rest assure big brother is looking out for them by outlawing dining in any place that is on fire. It has been deemed unhealthy to ones body.

Why did the chicken cross the road? They may never know in Georgia, because they do not question them or pass go, instead they arrest them on the spot and haul them away. Where they take them from there, nobody knows and probably wouldn’t want to know! Canton, Mississippi must love their squirrels because they have a law making it illegal to shoot them while in the court of law, or perhaps this would seem to be more of a respect issue we’re dealing with!

On the open plains of Texas we find the ultra idiotic idea of an anti-crime law that requires a criminal to give at least 24 hour notice before the commitment of any crime. The notice is to be delivered to the victim via verbal or written expression, describing the nature and reason for the crime to be committed. This gives the victim plenty of time to prepare their belongings and last will and testament as well as offer any assistance in attaining counseling for the felon’s social well-being. This one might actually save the tax payers some money by allowing the criminals and victims to work out their differences without the involvement of worthless government programs and prison/holding facilities.

To make this idea work better, they should mix in the “Make My Day” Law from Colorado and Oklahoma which says anyone caught in an individual’s private home with attempt to harm can be stopped by deadly force. We could have these criminals disposed of faster than an “I Love Hillary” button found on a street corner in Abilene, Texas. But then again, it would have to be referenced that the break-in or invasion was considered to be a “surprise entry” for the ruling to be legal. It all comes down to having the right to take someone’s life. In Illinois, once your breathe leaves your body it is no longer considered your property. This means the last breath you ever take may be owned by the person who forcibly took it.

What is the solution to all this insanity?

Pure and simple common sense and human decency is all that each of these laws represent. And unfortunately a few even show a lack of disregard and humanity by allowing a centimeter too much over the line that should be drawn. There are only two people who can do something about all the wrongs of the world, you and me. A few government officials and their ridiculous laws do not mean much without the majority of us enforcing them. We need to actually take the word “we” and put it to use.

Everyday there are thousands of people who are thrown into a domestic violence situation and every neighbor who hears the disturbance just figures the next person will do something about it. Every morning a businessman falls to the street clenching his heart to find the majority of people pass by, before one individual actually steps in to provide aid and call for help. We are in this together and if you think that the rules we have created are going to be your salvage in life you are seriously mistaken. It is going to be you and I hand in hand that will walk out of here in one piece.

…God (or whatever deity your beliefs allow you to entrust) bless America and every nation who surrenders their compassion for living things and the rights and freedoms that every creature so deserves!

(Originally featured in D’Luxe Magazine)