We here in the United States have quite the collection of sex laws designating right from wrong for the human species. These laws regulate everything from brothels to our own bedrooms. Some of them in fact seem more like guidelines for a redneck and should not need to enforcement other than through the carefully drawn lines of our own dignity and human decency.
But alas, there must be more Uncle Dave’s in the Ozark mountains than we realize who have been married and divorced nine times (two of them human) and have no clue what it means to “keep certain things to themselves.” It is for these folks that we have created such laws—and this month’s quiz asks you which of these below mentioned laws are legally enforced and which were created in the morbid and indecent back alleyways of my own mind…
1. Law or Slack Jaw?
In a section of Virginia where “site for sore eyes” refers to wanting to gauge your eyes out for every woman wearing anything less than a surplus tent, is it outlawed to have intercourse with the lights on, where you can actually see what it is you are having intercourse with.
2. Law or Slack Jaw?
In Alabama, it is against the law for a man to seduce “a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery, or promise of marriage.”
3. Law or Slack Jaw?
In the state of Utah, animals are considered part of Gods creation and are therefore sacred and protected from all heinous acts of sexual abuse.
4. Law or Slack Jaw?
Newcastle, Wyoming has an ordinance that restricts any couple from having intercourse while nude inside of a store’s walk-in meat freezer.
5. Law or Slack Jaw?
In Appalachia, West Virginia, cousins may engage in sexual intercourse as long as they have signed a release form stating that “any offspring born of such a union must be tested for mental retardation yearly through the age of 21.”
6. Law or Slack Jaw?
Merryville, Missouri has a ruling discouraging women from wearing a corset, stating “the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”
7. Law or Slack Jaw?
In Hot Springs, Arkansas it is legal to have intercourse with a deceased corpse as long as the victim (if you can still call them that) is “brought flowers and properly buried by the assailant afterwords.”
8. Law or Slack Jaw?
In Washington D.C. the only legal sexual position allowed to be performed behind the closed doors of ones own privacy is missionary.
9. Law or Slack Jaw?
In Buckfield, Maine, a taxi driver is “prohibited from receiving any sexual favors in exchange for a ride home from a nightclub or establishment which serves alcoholic beverages.”
10. Law or Slack Jaw?
Wyoming has a law that forbids the assistance of “self gratification” to any individual less than 21 years of age, even when a medical condition prohibits this act of normalcy.
- Law- Yes, this is indeed a law and why it was created is not the question here per say, but rather why it is also not also affective in Mobile. Alabama; Santa Fe, New Mexico; and Putnam County, Georgia!
- Law- If they actually upheld this law, almost every man in the state would be behind bars, including the ones who made it! This is the only way a pot bellied, buck toothed, road kill eating, overall wearing, cousin marrying Alabamite would ever find a date. So have a heart Alabama, you are after all kinship to each other in one form or another.
- Slack Jaw- About the only safety an animal receives in these desert plains is if an “anxious” Mormon performs a three-way with a beaver and a California king snake and the beaver chickens out and is asked to pay three bucks to watch—then it becomes illegal. In other words, intercourse with animals for profit is the only form of illegal bestiality in the state of Utah.
- Law- I’d say that this one is more for the man’s own good. We all know what happens when a guy steps out of a cold pool—just imagine the effects of a freezing meat locker.
- Slack Jaw- It would do us little good, as the entire state has been inbred so prolifically, the difference between a relative, a pet, and a neighbor is no more different than me, myself, and I.
- Law- Kind of makes you proud to be an American, doesn’t it!
- Slack Jaw- Okay, okay—perhaps a bit far fetched, but it is none-the-less illegal in every U.S. state to have sex with a corpse, which baffles the mind since the most obvious way anyone would even know about such an act, is if they had actually thought about it. Would any politicians care to comment?
- Law- The only rear-end entry allowed in America’s political state capital, is towards its registered voters in the form of worthless elective choices. Missionary may be Washington D.C.’s choice sexual position, but not by public choice, but rather some political yahoo who probably has not been with a woman since the last time the Reagan administration remembered something.
- Slack Jaw- Why this couldn’t be more the opposite of the truth. A cab driver is actually legally prohibited from charging any money above that of one sexual favor per each ride home.
- Law- Give them at least one reason to live for crying out loud!
(article originally appeared in The Strip Las Vegas Magazine)