Finding Mr. Happy…

What if you knew the key to happiness was a choice, a state of mind, a specific call to action, and a particular way of conducting life’s decisions? I’m not talking about a magic formula for creating wealth, health, or fame, as studies show these have no more effect over happiness, then a placebo does. In actuality, happiness can be enjoyed whether you’re rich, poor, handsome, or homely.

While trying to understand the secret behind living life to the fullest, I turned to Dr. George E. Vaillant, MD, author of Spiritual Evolution: How We Are Wired For Faith, Hope And Love. Vaillant is also the director of a massive Harvard University study, involving over 72 years of following hundreds of men as they ventured through college, war, career, marriage, parenthood, divorce, old age, and occasionally death.

Dr. Vaillant witnessed the life stages of these men through a combination of questionnaires and intense physical examinations. He noted their moments of greatest strength, health, and happiness, and has whittled all this research down into one, singularly, important statement, Happiness is love—full stop. Continue reading

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838 horsepower, Abby Cubey, and a First Look at the 2012 Mosler RaptorGTR

Mosler has finally released information on their crushing new hyper-exotic supercar, dubbed the RaptorGTR. If you’re a diehard car nut, you have probably noticed that there seems to be a reoccurring theme with most successful supercars, and the formula is:

Carbon Fiber Shell + Big Block V-8 = Massive Acceleration (about 2.3 seconds (0-60) for the GTR)

One of the key points to this new supercar, is its 838 horsepower, twin turbo, 7.0 liter V-8. Unique to the RaptorGTR is its externally exposed, visible turbo’s, which were inspired by the F-22 Raptor fighting jet. The result of this configuration is one hell of a soundtrack for the driver. There will be a limited number of these ultra rare beasts on the to-build list of Mosler, so if you’ve been really good all year, it just might be worth the effort to put this $700,000 supercar on your Christmas list. Continue reading

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Confessions of Abu Nahasapeemapetilon, Online Dating Addict

Abu Nahasapeemapetilon, Simpson’s cartoon character, Kwik-E-Mart cashier, and singer of the popular Prince rendition of, Tonight I’m going to party like its on sale for $19.99!, has reported plans to marry the popular Bollywood actress, Mallika Sherawat. Abu claims his interest in Sherawat goes far beyond the sex appeal she is known for. The paparazzo has yet to catch this couple together, which brings doubt to Abu’s boasts. Rumor has it that Sherawat “hooked up” with Abu after her appearance on The Jerry Springer Show a couple of years ago. Abu was quoted during the show as saying, “I have seen Sherawat’s inner beauty, and it is in perfect harmony with my outer beauty.” Continue reading

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Divided They Stand, United They Trudge Forward: The State of the Auto Industry for 2012

The taxpayers have generously given up their milk money to government bully’s, and the kids with spilt milk now have something to dunk their cookie in. Automotive News headlines in June, read, Detroit 3 are Big 3 again. Where the Japanese automobile once reined supreme, the domestic has become a worthy adversary. Some consumers may choose to remember the compact jalopies of the 70s and 80s, such as the exploding Ford Pinto. However, for every quality, domestic compact put on the street today. An embarrassing memory is replaced by one with pride and renewed confidence. Continue reading

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UMM Bucket List: 10 Things to Do Before You Die

The idiom, drop in the bucket, refers to the idea that most things in life are only a very small portion of the whole. Kick the bucket, references death by imagining yourself standing on a bucket with a noose tied around your neck. Once the bucket is ‘kicked’, well, you can imagine the outcome. But where does the term, bucket list, come from? Some say it originates from the movie, “The Bucket List (2007),” starring Jack Nickolson and Morgan Freeman. Others say it is a hybrid of the previous mentioned idioms. Imagine life as a collection of small ‘drops’ of experiences gathered in a bucket, and at the end of that time, our buckets are spilled over, highlighting the most important memories.

If you died tomorrow and your top 10 highlights were flashed before your eyes, do you think you’d be satisfied with what you saw? We teamed up with Julia Dimon (Traveljunkiejulia.com), travel expert and host of several popular television shows, including Word Travels (City TV, OLN, Travel Channel UK), Destination Getaways (MSNBC), and Outside Today, to help us decide what world experiences are truly worthy of anyone’s list. From gentle solitude to the rush of adrenaline, these are the 10 drops of life we’d most like to remember when our own buckets are knocked from our feet.

1. Heaven on Earth

Cost: $1,000/person for 5-days accommodations—not including airfare and dining.

“Zanzibar, off the coast of Tanzania is one of my favorite places,” says Julia. “It’s a perfect combination of African culture, white sand beaches, fresh seafood, and a ‘hakunamatata’ vibe.” The saying, You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all, may describe your uncle in boxer shorts, but it certainly does not even come close to describing the spirit and imagery of Tofu Beach, Mozambique. “It’s amazing,” exclaims Julia. “You will spend the day eating fresh mangoes and snorkeling with manta rays and whale sharks in the Indian Ocean.”

2. Best Sunrise/Sunset

Cost: Free to see (yes, some things are still free).

The most beautiful sunset Julia has ever experienced, was over the Valley of the Moon in Chile’s Atacama Desert. “In the winter, at around 6:30 PM, the sky gives rise to a rainbow of watercolor reds, oranges, and purples,” describes Julia, in awe of her own imagery. “A warm hue illuminates the million-year-old mountain ranges that jet out from sand dunes like spines of prehistoric reptiles—a millennia of desert winds have sculpted stones and sand formations, and the colors look more like the inside of a gobstopper candy.”

3. Celebrate Life!

Cost: $300 tickets, but you also have to consider food, accommodations, costumes, and water (it’s hot).

Get out with some people who really know how to party! Burning Man (www.burningman.com) is held annually at Black Rock Desert, located 120 miles north of Reno, Nevada. It kicks off the week prior to Labor Day, and climaxes on the Saturday before Labor Day when “the man” is burned (don’t worry, it’s not a real man). “I just went last year and it’s truly a once-in-a-lifetime must experience,” says Julia. “For one week, some 50,000 costume-clad visitors travel from all over the world to celebrate humanity, creativity, music, nudity, charity and chemically induced happiness, celebrated to the beat of throbbing techno.”

4. Do the Bizarre

Cost: $5

If you’re looking for the perfect way to solidify your status as a bad-ass, look no father than Dawson City, Yukon, home of the sour-toe cocktail (www.sourtoecocktailclub.com). “I’m a card carrying member,” Julia says proudly. The way it works, is after a speech and ceremony performed by an equally bad-ass, sour-toe member, Captain Dick, you’re given a drink (preferably whiskey or beer) with a severed toe swaying along the bottom. “You chug the thing back and the toe has to touch your lips,” describes Julia. Be careful, though, as several toes have been lost via unintentional swallowing.

5. Where the Wild Things ‘Really’ Are

Cost: $10,000 minimum—airfare not included.

Getting up close and personal with some of the worlds most majestic animals, will not only bring a better understanding of nature, but will bring your own life into greater perspective. Trekking with the 400 lb silverback mountain gorillas in Uganda, will certainly serve as a reminder to respect your relatives (ancient relatives). An alternative to the Uganda heat, would be the serene chill of the Antarctic glaciers, while viewing penguins and sea elephants from the front row seat of your own sea kayak. “I’ll be crossing this off my list in January with the company Antarctic Dream (www.antarctic.cl/web_eng),” gloats Julia. Continue reading

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The Weather May be Getting Cooler, But Ben & Jerry Still Has Schweddy Balls

NPR Female Voice: “Oh, these Schweddy Balls really are cold. How long did you leave them out?”

NPR Male Voice: “Well, it’s been awhile… Sometimes if I don’t get them out every once in awhile, they start to turn blue.”

NPR Female Voice: “Blue Balls? Oh, honey… whenever I’m around, I can promise you will never have blue balls again! (giggles)”

NPR Male Voice: (Laughs gently)

Ben & Jerry’s ice cream has brought the famous Schweddy Balls skit to life with their newest flavor… you guessed it, Schweddy Balls! The basic ingredients are vanilla ice cream with fudge-covered rum and milk chocolate balls.

“We’ve always been a company that has had a sense of humor,” said Sean Greenwood about his Schweddy Balls (ice cream). “This is just plain silly.”

Yes it is… but I’m loving it. You’ll find it at about one-third of the stores that normally sell Ben & Jerry’s. The other two-thirds… Well, I guess you could just say, they don’t (didn’t) have the balls.

And in case you’ve forgot about this skit, starring Alec Baldwin, as Pete Schweddy, the host of Delicious Dish. You can check out the Ben & Jerry’s Facebook page, where you can send clips of the original broadcast to friends and family, or just click “play” below.

Enjoy your balls! And if you don’t have any of your own… see if you can borrow somebody else’s to enjoy!

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Warning!!!

The Surgeon General has found that cell phones may be hazardous to your health, including phones that are held near your brain, found nearby while sleeping, ingested, lit on fire, leaped on with bare feet, in use while filling your gas tank, and typed on while crossing a busy street.

If cell phones are so dangerous, they should take them away along with the rest of the cap guns, fireworks, and sparkle sticks.  It won’t be long before we’re smuggling flatulence over the borders just to celebrate the 4th of July.  You bring the beans… I’ll supply the matches!

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Today's Marketing Tactics Are a Bunch of Bull

As I think about the thousands of ads there are in a single magazine, I cannot help but wonder, Why should I really care that Hulk Hogan uses speed stick deodorant, or that Preparation H is doctor recommended? These are problems that many people suffer from, but they are not necessarily the kind of thing that sticks in anyone’s mind for more than about 30 seconds. However, there is a new wave of marketers that has stepped up for the challenge to gain the attention of desensitized generations raised in front of glowing monitors of blood, pain, suffering, and sex. So, pull up a chair, turn off the tube, cross your legs (if you are a male you will soon anyway), as we are about to unleash the top-selling items for 2011.

Golf putters and walking sticks are a constant man pleaser. You will find these in just about every die-hard hunter magazine across the country, usually strategically located next to the exotic genuine moose dung earrings, but we won’t even get into that. Now, I know what you are probably saying, big deal, right? These are not the usual putters and canes, however. These putters and canes are made from the “entire reproductive organs of a grown bull.” This is a product that will grab a person’s attention, and perhaps even motivate them to show a friend, hang on their school locker, or pin on their office managers back.

Picture a poor little bull huddled in the far corner with his knees clenched in pure panic, crying, “Made from what?” I couldn’t help but feel my own voice box creep up my throat, as the very thought began to cross my mind. Below is an actual picture of these products (which are being impressively balanced by an innocent little girl), of which I must admit puzzled me for a long while. However, I soon dismissed it with a simple, How should I know what it would look like anyway? Yesterday’s credit card bills seem like a wet willy in the ear compared to what this painful humiliation must have been like. I just had to know who would do such a thing, why, for how much, and most importantly… what herbal male enhancement has this bull been taking? Continue reading

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5 Ways to Attain a Miserable Relationship


Misery loves company, but nobody ever said good company couldn’t be found in misery, especially when we can learn from our mistakes. Statistics show that many couples use poor techniques in their relationships, resulting in unpleasant outcomes. While a simple relationship may not always be simple to achieve, a miserable one can be quite easy to maintain if you focus on these five fatal traits.

1. Argue Like a Badger
Badgers are very unforgiving creatures with one rule to live by. It’s either their way or the highway, and if you have any argument with that, they will persuade you otherwise through unpleasant consequences, otherwise known as scratching and clawing until you agree they’re right. Humans have a very similar techniques to change each others behavior, consisting of using the phrase “you”, instead of “I”, as in “you are to blame for this”, and “you’re the reason everything is wrong with my life.” Continue reading

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What's in that Stuff!

Folks, folks… what is this new product you ask?

It is neither a cream, foam, liquid, natural, synthetic, or perishable. It is not healthy, harmful, doctor recommended, or whale tested. It may be purple… it may even be great… but the most important thing you need to know, is it’s stuff.

So, what more could you ask for. Buy it, damn it!

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