Eric Leech .com

What does living life to the “extreme” in the summertime mean? Well, to some it means the thrill of plunging into a pine scented abyss of gurgling water, dodging bobbing rubber ducky’s and balancing a laptop carelessly on the edge of their garden sized Jacuzzi tub. To others it means wavering carelessly in the lazy man-made pool/rivers of the Las Vegas casino hotels, making sure to stay awake long enough to lather a few blobs of sun block over their bodies before the 1 mile per hour current catches them up.

Then there are those who believe that a summer is not complete unless they have tackled as many class V river journeys as they can fit into every free weekend. Lucky for us, there is a cozy spot in between these extremes that would fit almost anyone’s taste for living on the edge. Whitewater rapids are generally classified on a scale of one to ten. One being just a bit more exciting than a boring ride at Water World and ten being very similar to being shot from a catapult across your neighbors slip-n’-slide that’s been rolled out over a garden of boulders and crocodiles.

Probably the most extreme whitewater trip ever recorded was led by the renowned explorer, Pasquale Scaturro. This trip opened up at the Springs of Sakala in Ethiopia (a.k.a. Little Blue Nile) and ended at the mouth of the Mediterranean Sea in the ancient Egyptian city of Alexandria. The trip lasted four months and involved a crew of sixteen explorers, an IMAX camera, one sixteen foot raft, gallons of cascading raw sewage, a few nose plugs and one stout kayak. This documentary can be viewed in the comfort and safety of a dry chair and your local IMAX theaters.

A few of the most extreme trips in North America as described by E-raft.com are the American Giant Gap, located in the Tahoe National Forest and the Forks of Kern, which is a multi-day trip through the remote Sierra canyons of California. New York has its Moose rapids, near Adirondack Park. West Virginia is known for its premier Gauley, which peaks during the fall time at Summersville Lake. Costa Rica has a difficult stretch of waters in their Peralta section of the Reventazon. The Snake (Murtaugh) of Idaho is famous for its early spring rapids and the Animas of Colorado is a majestic trip through the snow capped mountains of San Juan.

This is the part where I must tell you that you should be in relatively good physical condition to take on a whitewater adventure. It can be dangerous, but within the danger is a quiet beauty that cannot be experienced on foot anywhere else in the world. To find most any classification of whitewater river rafting trip in your area, visit the American Whitewater Association (www.americanwhitewater.org) for further details. If it is water and it involves your little ducky it probably isn’t extreme unless you’re pulling him in tow along the Chattooga canyons of South Carolina!

(Photo via jnmontario, originally published in Coffee House Digest)

There have been many great pranks and practical jokes that have passed through college campuses and dormitories over the past couple centuries. In fact, it could be said that some of the greatest pranks in history were not pulled off by skilled professionals, but rather college students. MIT is famous for its police car, firetruck, and grand piano, which students managed to drag to the top of the 15-story dome over the course of one night.

During the golden age of Buffoonery in the 50’s and 60’s, pranks were a way of life, and thanks to reduced investigative technology, they were also a lot easier to get away with. We’re talking about M-80 firecrackers (Tubular Solutes) in dormitory phone booths, flaming bags of dog sh**, and throwing clothed dummies into oncoming traffic. “In those days your worst fear was getting caught and dragged to your parents, because you knew they were going to beat the sh** out of you,” says John Doe, Class of ‘58. “One of my favorite pranks from this era has become known as Operation Dung Drop.”

Operation Dung Drop

What is the most butchered and defaced statue in college history? The USC Tommy Trojan. A few years ago, well, it was more like a few decades ago, a couple students from the rival school, UCLA, decided to rent a helicopter and toss a few hundred pounds of cow manure on top of old Tommy. This brainful crew must not have included an engineering student, as they forgot to consider that the propeller blades of a helicopter actually suck small particles upwards while hovering. Well, as they were dumping the package, a good portion ended up swooping back up into the cockpit, where every accomplice received a mouth full of sh**.
—University of Southern California (USC), 1958

[...]

Ever wonder which female celebrity would fit you best if you had the opportunity to hook up with one? Well, come on down, you’re the next contestant on… The Celebrity Dating Game! The show where your dreams (or worst nightmare) can become reality! We have for you five young celebrity hotties, none of which has had the likes a ‘decent’ guy in months, so its up to you to fill that space! Here are the rules of play:

You will have three rounds of questions and answers from which to help choose which celebrity bachelorette best fits your personality. After you choose, you will be swept off via dreamland express on an all expenses paid storyline describing your date in detail. But be very careful with your choice, some of the contestants are a bit more hot than the others… okay, a whole lot more hot!

Round One

Bachelorettes, what is your best idea of a romantic date?

1. Bachelorette #1: “Well, I have never had much luck with romance over my life, but if I were in charge of a date, it would begin by giving him a ride in me beloved Bentley. Then I would find a quaint pub to go hide in the corner and talk. If we hit it off, I’d let him drive my Bentley back to me place… and…” (shrugs her shoulders as a guy in the audience screams, “yeah!”)
2. Bachelorette #2: “I love music, so I would want to go to see a concert at a hip Hollywood club. Perhaps The Damnwells, as they always put on a great show and make me feel like letting go of myself. If things went well, I would let him hold my hand and dance with me… then if he played his cards right, he just might get a goodnight kiss.”
3. Bachelorette #3: “Wow, that is a tough one. If I knew him really well and we were somewhat of an item, I would treat him to my own lingerie show. I would let him choose the outfits he would like to see, put on some cool jazz, and… yeah!” (guy in audience comes back with another robust “yeah!!”)
4. Bachelorette #4: “This may sound strange, but there is like nothing more romantic to me than making out after an all out cat and dog fight. You can take all that balled up fury and frustration and just attack each other and go at it until your so tired, you forget what you were even fighting about.”
5. Bachelorette #5: “I think dating can be torture, so I like to keep everything simple for the first couple of weeks. I think romance is fostered in the simple things, such as taking a walk, going shopping, or even just sharing a cup of coffee.” [...]

The night felt…

• Sultry (go to A)
• Lonely (go to Z)
• Strangely quiet (go to C)

A) I stepped out of the cab and entered through the doors of the Mandalay Bay. Spying around the layout, I could tell that the heat was taking its toll as a group of three ladies walked around me wearing spandex miniskirts and laced up bustier tops. Feeling pretty confident, I adjusted the collar on my black Pierre Cardin button down shirt and looked briefly down…

• Towards my zipper to make sure that it was all the way up (go to D)
• To make sure the rolled-up sock inside my jeans had not started down my pant leg (go to E)
• And thought to myself, why the heck am I wearing this Pierre Cardin shirt (go to Y)

B) As I approached I could tell that her breasts had exploded out the top of the bustier and she was frantically trying to put it back into the cup which was obviously too small.

• “You’re never going to get that back in there,” I said while unbuttoning my own shirt. “Here, take this…” (go to M)
• Seeing this as a once in a lifetime chance, I whipped out my cell phone and began taking pictures like a post lobotomy patient on Viagra (go to L)

C) I looked around my barren room at the Golden Nugget and realized that I was all alone. Trying to remember the events of the day that had lead me here, I could remember a girl named Fondue, lots of drinks… and now I could feel an empty chill over the space of my right butt cheek where my wallet used to be.

• I grabbed the fifty I had left on the stand for the maid and headed out the door to Club Pure (go to V)
• I sat for a moment and began to remember bit and pieces—then it all came to me like a rush of Himalayan snow during an avalanche. I was leaving a bar when I bumped into a woman stepping out of a stretch limo… (go to L) [...]

About a week ago, I was in New York City hailing a taxicab for the airport. I noticed a particular gentleman, appearing to be of Arab decent, pull aside just in front of me in a cab and begin to wave his arms frantically. I hesitantly approached him in bewilderment. As I neared the window, it became rather evident that his flapping arms were not on my behalf, but rather an attempt to waft several toxic, deep seeded gas passages from the interior of his taxicab.

“Move away… air dangerous,” The man yelled, quickly exiting the vehicle and running for cover under a Wiener Schnitzel stand near by, leaving his door wide open and windows ajar.

Lighting a cigar and taking a couple concentrated drags, he tilted his head back, blew out a ring of smoke, and snapped his head back towards my direction. “Gas deadly. Just ate bean. Taco bean. Incomparable damage. My name is Laloo Prasa Yadividoo. I am Sikh Indian, here nine days since last bathe. Need you go somewhere?”

Taking a moment to digest what it  was I had just witnessed, I glanced towards my watch in one last moment of desperation.

“Can you take me to the airport?”

Many hand wafts and three King air fresheners later we were on the way. Pulling out into oncoming traffic, Laloo looks back at me through his rear view mirror with a smile, “I (sick) Sikh… Sikh… Sikh.” I smiled back and nodded in agreement.

“I know. Do we need to stop by a restroom or something?”

“No sick tummy… Sikh Indian. No afraid, me been to airport many time without…” Puffing his cheeks and bulging his eyes, “BOOM!” Smiling again, he looks back into the rear view mirror and winked, “Terrorist bad, Sikh Indian good.”

“What brings you here to New York, Mr. Sikh.” I asked curiously.

“Computer job, fired yesterday.” He remarked sadly, while making a left turn in front of an oncoming truck.

“What were you fired for?”

“Dun know…” he remarked confusedly as he swung around the seat facing me. “ I toll lady fix computer, erase all file… you no understand file… erase it… I Sikh… Sikh Indian. Here eight days since last bathe… I go now. Erase file. Just ate bean. Gas deadly. Incomparable damage.”

He looked towards the road for a split second after sideswiping the grocery cart of a homeless woman crossing the street, turning back around to continue his story. “Later, man visit me at toilet. Claim he fired me. He yell at me. Another man hand me key. He say drive cab, you drive cab. No more computer for you, jus’ cab…”

Laloo then became very silent, grimacing in horror, as from under his seat rumbled what can only be described as the sight and sound of a 69′ Volkswagen starting up on a cold winter’s morning. That is, a worn VW Bus revved at full throttle until two cylinders pop, echoing a high pitched whine which would eventually fade into a deafening explosion of green metallic cloud.

Laloo screeched the breaks, stopped in mid traffic, and began to run from the cab.

“Gas deadly… I am Sikh.” Laloo was instantly knocked down upon the ground by an on-foot police officer as people began to pour from their cars and take to the streets running frantically. The radio was blaring an emergency broadcast signal warning all citizens of a gas bomb deployed in downtown New York City by a “sick” Muslim terrorist.

I stepped out the cab and slowly proceeded through the empty streets towards the airport. On my way, I couldn’t help but hear Laloo’s screams of defiance.

“No terrorist! Me Sikh… Sikh Indian, eat bean nine days since last bathe!”

THE END

(Story originally appeared in The Circle)

Dating can become treacherous ground when you are riding the line between friendship and intimacy. We want to be so many things to everyone, but sometimes the best policy is to be honest with yourself about who you are, and what you are looking for in a partner. If you have to commit any of these seven deadly sins in order to maintain a relationship, chances are the relationship is not worth committing to.

1. Lust: Thou Shall Not Rush Into Sex
Sex is a fundamental desire in an intimate relationship, but rushing into sex too soon can undermine true intimacy, replacing it with lust. A worthy man does not need to have sex within the first few dates. He may be thinking about it, and if you allow him certain advantages, he may certainly take initiative, but in truth, he is probably more enthralled with the chase than the reward. If you give away all your treasure and mystery before he’s had to work for it, he could quickly lose interest, pursuing his interests elsewhere. As in most things in life, the more you have to work for something, the more you will appreciate it once it’s yours.

2. Pride: Thou Shall Not Change the Man/Woman
Pride has many faults, such as desiring perfection in ourselves and our mate. But one of the worst things you can do in this pursuit, is to assume that you can change a man into everything you ever wanted. Men, are fundamentally who they are. They may want to change, they may tell you they can change, but in general you should assume what you see, is what get. The only caveat, is to know when you’re being overly picky. While it may be annoying that he snorts when laughing at old reruns of Seinfeld, and can’t give a decent massage to save his life, is that just cause for throwing away a potentially, very satisfying relationship?

3. Greed: Thou Shall Not Expect Too Much Early On
One of the worst parts of dating is all the waiting. Does he like me? Are we dating, or just hanging out? Does he want children? Which way does he put the toilet paper on the roll? While all these questions maybe important down the road, they are certainly not important enough to be answered within the first few dates. A budding relationship should allow itself to unfold in due time, without forcing things. Take everything in stride, and focus on enjoying yourself and the company. Don’t open your true feelings up too fast, or expect him to do the same. Most men prefer the mystery in getting to know you.

4. Gluttony: Too Much of a Good Thing is also Called, Smothering
Like the old saying, If you hold a butterfly too tightly, it will crush. Some relationships start off smothering each other with love. There are fundamentally two kinds of relationships, passionate  and romantic. The passionate relationship is defined by lust, infatuation, and the jealousy associated with being apart. These relationships are never as happy as they could be, as it is hard to enjoy love when you are constantly in a state of panic. A Romantic relationship, by comparison, is every bit as passionate, but the relationship is based more on trust and security, than an obsession. Relax and enjoy each other, don’t smother!

5. Wrath: Thou Shall Not Allow Anger/Distrust to Filter Across from Past Relationships
Expecting all men to be like your last couple ex’s is a recipe for disaster. Relationships can be a dangerous business for our heart, but true love can never be achieved without sharing yourself openly with a potential soulmate. This is the catch 22 of all relationships, as in order for them to prosper, we must start each one on a fresh slate, which means assuming each person is ‘not guilty’ of all accounts of bad relationship practice (until proven otherwise). This puts ourselves in the position of possibly one day becoming hurt, but at the same time, distrusting and snooping around without just cause, scares away those worthy suitors, just as frequently as the unworthy.

6. Envy: Be Yourself’
Just because one person is all that and a bucket of cheese puffs in one persons eyes, doesn’t mean that they will be the same caliber in another person’s. Stay clear of love interests who like to compare you with their ex’s, offering advice on how to become more of what they prefer in a mate. A relationship is not all about what you can do for them, but also what they can do for you. Never neglect your own needs, trying to meet those of someone else. If you don’t feel like one of the most beautiful and appreciated people on the entire planet each time you’re together, you’re probably never going to.

7. Sloth: Thou Shall Not Fake Orgasms
Faking an orgasm seems a lot easier than dealing with the potentially uncomfortable position of telling a man his motions in the ocean are not quite rocking your boat. Make no mistake about it, faking an orgasm early in a relationship will only cause more confusion and hurt feelings later on. What’s he to say when you tell him on the day of your tenth anniversary, that all his old moves are just not going to cut it anymore. It is more difficult to teach an old dog new tricks. You’ve got to train them early, girls!

(Originally featured on California Psychics)

For years people have clamored over the IQ test, wondering if they’re smart, not smart, or exceptionally gifted. I say, all that matters is if you’re stupid or not, which will take about ten questions and five minutes of your time. If it takes any longer, don’t bother finishing, you’re just stupid!

1) If you are at a half price sale and you see an item on sale for $2.00, what would be your final price of that item?

1. Who cares, I wouldn’t buy it. It’s too cheap
   
2. $1.00 plus tax
3. Half of $2.00
4. You never gave me the final price

2) In the middle of negotiation, if the dealer tells you that they just cannot go much lower, you should…

1. Slap your hands on the desk and exclaim, “Okay, I’m out of here, like a shaken beer!”
2. Tell him to go back in the manager and see what they can do
   
3. Get down on bent knee and beg for at least a few dollars off of list price
4. Triumphantly scream, “Well, if that’s as low as you can go, I’ll take it!”

3) If you have a choice of an Ivy League school with an attached loan of $400,000, or a local community college for just under $50,000, which one should you choose?

1. The community college, as it does not matter over the long haul which college you attended
2. Go to the community college for the first two years, and then transfer over to the Ivy League for the last two. You will get an Ivy league degree for half the price
3. Can you say Ivy League fraternity and sorority parties? My bags are packed
4. Screw both. I’m going to be the assistant manager of fries, and that’s when the really big bucks start rolling in

4) If you are cooking bacon in a pan, and flames suddenly leap out onto your clothing, you should…

1. Pull out the baking soda from the cupboard and smother the flames with both the soda and a towel
2. Stop, Drop, and Roll
3. Call best friend and see what they’d recommend
4. Run as fast as you can
   

5) If you cannot figure out how to run the new copier at work, should you…

1. Ask a few office buddies to give you a hand
2. Look for the instruction manual
3. Push all the buttons and see what happens
4. Stand there and wait for someone to come by and copy them for you

6) If you are watching a magician, and they have just pulled a rabbit from a hat; you wonder…

1. When is this crap going to be over
2. Where is the hidden storage bin that rabbit came from
3. How was that rabbit able to breath all this time
4. Who would win in a battle, Mighty Mouse or that rabbit

7) You are on an icy road and your vehicle begins to jackknife to the right…

1. I would turn the steering wheel to the right to straighten out the vehicle
2. I would turn the wheel of the vehicle towards the direction I was sliding into
3. I would stomp on the brake pedal and scream, “Oh sh**!”
4. After I shimmied to the left, I would follow with another jackknife to the right

If you are out in a deserted wilderness and a tree falls…

1. Get the heck out of the way!
2. I would be the only one who knew if it made a sound
3. The tree would have fallen, end of story
   
4. I would conclude, therefore I must exist

9) In a game of blackjack, you have an ace of hearts and a five of diamonds; should you say…

1. “Hit me,” my chances of a better score beat the odds of a bust
2. “Stay,” it is a pretty good score, and the house just might bust trying to beat it
3. “Double-down”
4. “Can we play fifty-two card pick-up after this hand”

10) A thunderstorm suddenly appears while on a walk. You look around to see an umbrella, a dense patch of trees, and an old substation shack. The first thing that enters your mind is…

1. A little water never hurt anyone
2. I better grab an umbrella. It will be the lowest object around me, so I should stay fairly safe
3. Duck into the statically charged substation, as it will provide the best overall coverage
   
4. Jump on top of the substation with the umbrella to protect from the rain, while looking for the tallest metal object I can stand under
   

Score System:

1. = 4 points
2. = 3 points
3. = 2 points
4. = 1 point

Score of:

33-40 points: You’ve got your head screwed on straight for the most part. You see through the bullcrap and look at things for what they are. If you were on the Titanic you would have probably been a survivor, although you might have tossed a few woman and children over the side to get there. But, a little water never hurt anyone, right?

25-32 points: You’d like to think you’re pretty smart, but you aren’t. You follow what you’re told, and never really think for yourself. If you were a politician, you’d be a raving success!

18-25 points: Do you know what planet you are on? Could you read any of these questions properly? I think that we should just pretend this never happened for both our sake!

10-17 points: The crap in your brains has crap for brains! If we pulled together a group of the stupidest people on earth, they would all concur that you were even more stupid than them. Okay… so none of them would quite know what the word, concur, meant, but they would know you’re stupid!

How is a great idea born? Certainly not from the blood boiled, cholesterol stuffed human products of child therapy, voice placement lessons, and intensive yoga retreats. Cell phone microphones glued to their ear and a Big Mac wrapper stuck to their heels. If you do not recognize the visual signs of these types then perhaps is would be easier to follow the sounds of griping, groaning, and complaining these individuals tend to make during a typical day. I must make it rather clear here that word Complaining is not meant to be confused with the word complaint, as complaints are notably at the forefront of many a great idea. Take Ferruccio Lamborghini’s life’s accomplishments for example.

In 1945, Ferruccio Lamborghini was a middle-class Italian farmer who built several tractors in his garage out of leftover army surplus from the residuals of World War II. The gospel soon spread throughout the near-by towns of the powerful, high quality tractors he was producing. The orders for his tractors sky-rocketed, leaving no choice but to expand his production space again and again until he became one of the wealthiest men in Italy.

Ferruccio’s newfound wealth eventually sparked a taste for high dollar, high-performance, highly sought after vehicles. In time, Ferruccio gathered a rather impressive collection of GT automobiles. Mercedes SL300, Jaguar, and Ferrari were among his most notable. During an inquisition to the Ferrari manufacturing plant in Modena to confront Enzo Ferrari himself about an issue he had noticed with the Ferrari’s clutch. Ferruccio was appalled when Enzo Refused consideration to any of his advice, and basically told him to get bent along side a stallion rhinoceros bull during the height of mating season, in so many words.

Some of you Yupsters may be speculating Ferruccio ran home to his mommy, called an emergency session with his psychiatrist, and then filed suit for heinous disturbance to his already battered inner child. Hell no, he built his own damn GT… the infamous Lamborghini GT. This was not out of spite however. This moment simply opened his eyes to the need for a higher quality, high performance vehicle in the market. Becoming a rather painful burr in the side of Mr. Ferrari as his fame and Lamborghini line flourished… priceless. Speaking of burrs…

In 1948, during a rustic hike into a mountainside, two men on opposite sides of the globe with accompanied canine companions with coordination issues fell victim to a vicious patch of burrs. These men were known as John W. Leech Jr. and George de Mestral. When John returned home from his hike, he spent three hours combing the burrs out of his dog; then another four hours complaining to his wife, three children, neighbor, milkman, and seamstress.

Unfortunately for Georges’ unlucky Fido, he was walked long and put away thorny, so to speak. George had other things on his mind on that particular day when he returned home; notably the difficulty in removing the stubborn invading burrs that Fido had passed onto his pants. Curiosity overtook him as he began to inspect this phenomenon under a microscope. He found tiny hooks on the burrs enabling them to cling to the tiny loops in the fabric of his pants. Describing this phenomenon as a combination of the two words velour and crochet, he called it Velcro.

Multi-millions of dollars later for George and three bypass surgeries later for John, Fido got in the mix and patented the Burr-Eliminating Lycra doggy body suit. This fabric would later be reformulated into sexy disco attire for drunken college students. Okay, so the last two sentences may be stretching the truth a bit.

In time, every moment must at some point come full circle, and with this article we have gone from exotic cars to sticky fabrics, which leaves us no other choice than to continue back around to the Post-It-Note. Why the Post-It-Note you might ask? Because it represents the first stage of most any life-changing idea… failure! It was Dr. Spensor Silva who was the originator of the notes glue formula; its failed formula I should say. Designed to paste together items such as Aunt Mildred’s dismembered Rudolph to her favorite ceramic fruit cake plate; the glue fell flat. I should rather say that the trial items they glued fell flat… flat on the floor!

One of Spensor’s colleagues, Art Fry, noticed that as the items fell apart, they remained tacky, and could be momentarily stuck back together time and again. This mishap gave Fry a revelation. What if the glue was used on something light, such as a piece of paper? He sampled some glue onto a piece of paper… and presto; a reusable, non-slip bookmark that later developed into the most popular method used today for leaving notes in the office and laboratory.

When life hands you bull crap… You take the bull by the horn, and make sirloin!

We here in the United States have quite the collection of sex laws designating right from wrong for the human species. These laws regulate everything from brothels to our own bedrooms. Some of them in fact seem more like guidelines for a redneck and should not need to enforcement other than through the carefully drawn lines of our own dignity and human decency.

But alas, there must be more Uncle Dave’s in the Ozark mountains than we realize who have been married and divorced nine times (two of them human) and have no clue what it means to “keep certain things to themselves.” It is for these folks that we have created such laws—and this month’s quiz asks you which of these below mentioned laws are legally enforced and which were created in the morbid and indecent back alleyways of my own mind…

1. Law or Slack Jaw?

In a section of Virginia where “site for sore eyes” refers to wanting to gauge your eyes out for every woman wearing anything less than a surplus tent, is it outlawed to have intercourse with the lights on, where you can actually see what it is you are having intercourse with.

2. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Alabama, it is against the law for a man to seduce “a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery, or promise of marriage.”

3. Law or Slack Jaw?

In the state of Utah, animals are considered part of Gods creation and are therefore sacred and protected from all heinous acts of sexual abuse.

4. Law or Slack Jaw?

Newcastle, Wyoming has an ordinance that restricts any couple from having intercourse while nude inside of a store’s walk-in meat freezer.

5. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Appalachia, West Virginia, cousins may engage in sexual intercourse as long as they have signed a release form stating that “any offspring born of such a union must be tested for mental retardation yearly through the age of 21.”

6. Law or Slack Jaw?

Merryville, Missouri has a ruling discouraging women from wearing a corset, stating “the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”

7. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Hot Springs, Arkansas it is legal to have intercourse with a deceased corpse as long as the victim (if you can still call them that) is “brought flowers and properly buried by the assailant afterwords.”

8. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Washington D.C. the only legal sexual position allowed to be performed behind the closed doors of ones own privacy is missionary.

9. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Buckfield, Maine, a taxi driver is “prohibited from receiving any sexual favors in exchange for a ride home from a nightclub or establishment which serves alcoholic beverages.”

10. Law or Slack Jaw?

Wyoming has a law that forbids the assistance of “self gratification” to any individual less than 21 years of age, even when a medical condition prohibits this act of normalcy.

Answer Key:

1. Law- Yes, this is indeed a law and why it was created is not the question here per say, but rather why it is also not also affective in Mobile. Alabama; Santa Fe, New Mexico; and Putnam County, Georgia!
2. Law- If they actually upheld this law, almost every man in the state would be behind bars, including the ones who made it! This is the only way a pot bellied, buck toothed, road kill eating, overall wearing, cousin marrying Alabamite would ever find a date. So have a heart Alabama, you are after all kinship to each other in one form or another.
3. Slack Jaw- About the only safety an animal receives in these desert plains is if an “anxious” Mormon performs a three-way with a beaver and a California king snake and the beaver chickens out and is asked to pay three bucks to watch—then it becomes illegal. In other words, intercourse with animals for profit is the only form of illegal bestiality in the state of Utah.
4. Law- I’d say that this one is more for the man’s own good. We all know what happens when a guy steps out of a cold pool—just imagine the effects of a freezing meat locker.
5. Slack Jaw- It would do us little good, as the entire state has been inbred so prolifically, the difference between a relative, a pet, and a neighbor is no more different than me, myself, and I.
6. Law- Kind of makes you proud to be an American, doesn’t it!
7. Slack Jaw- Okay, okay—perhaps a bit far fetched, but it is none-the-less illegal in every U.S. state to have sex with a corpse, which baffles the mind since the most obvious way anyone would even know about such an act, is if they had actually thought about it. Would any politicians care to comment?
8. Law- The only rear-end entry allowed in America’s political state capital, is towards its registered voters in the form of worthless elective choices. Missionary may be Washington D.C.’s choice sexual position, but not by public choice, but rather some political yahoo who probably has not been with a woman since the last time the Reagan administration remembered something.
9. Slack Jaw- Why this couldn’t be more the opposite of the truth. A cab driver is actually legally prohibited from charging any money above that of one sexual favor per each ride home.
   
10. Law- Give them at least one reason to live for crying out loud!

(article originally appeared in The Strip Las Vegas Magazine)

What was the defining moment that first began our love of motion? During the fleeing of a blood thirsty Tyrannosaurus Rex or the flirtatious cave-mating skip turned all out sprint to escape the advances of an ugly caveman. Perhaps it begins during our friendly competition for life as a tiny sperm with an organic 289 cubic inch short block, hemi four-speed running on high sugar octane fuel. To be sure, the first automobile race held in Chicago in 1895 was a big factor in the fast and furious mentality that we see today.

In 1885, “fast and furious” was considered to be just over 7 mph; something most kids can achieve today on a souped up go-cart or runaway tricycle! Today, the Barabus TKR is challenging the Bugatti Veyron as the fastest car with its impressive 1005 horsepower twin-turbocharged 6.0 liter V-8. These numbers supposedly can propel the TKR to 60 mph in just under 1.7 seconds and hit a top speed of 270—nearly 20 over the Veyron. But whichever automobile you want to claim as the fastest, we are talking an impressive increase of over 250 mph in a production car over the past 100 years. This brings tingles to the spine just thinking about what the next 100 years could produce.

I’m already setting up my contacts for Gerital and Viagra (okay, so the Viagra is to pass the time more enjoyably) in hopes of living the extra years to plant my withered rear-end in whatever we come up with. But, whoa there my future leather skinned space cowboy, you better hold your automatronic, biologically engineered horses for a minute. With an average yearly cost of $9,000 for your typical $12,000 shoebox econo-wagon according to AAA studies, what will it be in the year 2107 for a world-class super car? Designers are saying that lean, fast and flexible are going to be the automobile of the future. So if flexible is referring to how far we’ll be flexing the mighty dollar rather than flexing disposable door skins, I might not have to develop the cure for baldness just to test drive one after all.

Interestingly, in our future, we might just see the re-emergence of “stick” steering according to recent photos of the Mercedes SCL600. This is not a first for this design. Back in 1905 the Autocar came complete with a “tiller” steering mechanism. Much like steering a fishing boat, the driver would maneuver the tiller stick from side to side in order to steer the vehicle. The new Mercedes is thus much far advanced to this primitive engineering but still offers the same lack-luster video game approach to driving that will bury the dreams of us high school drag racers who still reminisce of one hand on a leather wrapped Ricaro racing wheel and the other on a pistol grip shifter. For 2107 it will be one hand on the joystick and the other up the nose. But I am sure that I am simply showing signs of minor hostility and disappointment to the later generations that have learned to do almost everything with their fingers and two imposable thumbs!

[...]