Eric Leech .com

How is a great idea born? Certainly not from the blood boiled, cholesterol stuffed human products of child therapy, voice placement lessons, and intensive yoga retreats. Cell phone microphones glued to their ear and a Big Mac wrapper stuck to their heels. If you do not recognize the visual signs of these types then perhaps is would be easier to follow the sounds of griping, groaning, and complaining these individuals tend to make during a typical day. I must make it rather clear here that word Complaining is not meant to be confused with the word complaint, as complaints are notably at the forefront of many a great idea. Take Ferruccio Lamborghini’s life’s accomplishments for example.

In 1945, Ferruccio Lamborghini was a middle-class Italian farmer who built several tractors in his garage out of leftover army surplus from the residuals of World War II. The gospel soon spread throughout the near-by towns of the powerful, high quality tractors he was producing. The orders for his tractors sky-rocketed, leaving no choice but to expand his production space again and again until he became one of the wealthiest men in Italy.

Ferruccio’s newfound wealth eventually sparked a taste for high dollar, high-performance, highly sought after vehicles. In time, Ferruccio gathered a rather impressive collection of GT automobiles. Mercedes SL300, Jaguar, and Ferrari were among his most notable. During an inquisition to the Ferrari manufacturing plant in Modena to confront Enzo Ferrari himself about an issue he had noticed with the Ferrari’s clutch. Ferruccio was appalled when Enzo Refused consideration to any of his advice, and basically told him to get bent along side a stallion rhinoceros bull during the height of mating season, in so many words.

Some of you Yupsters may be speculating Ferruccio ran home to his mommy, called an emergency session with his psychiatrist, and then filed suit for heinous disturbance to his already battered inner child. Hell no, he built his own damn GT… the infamous Lamborghini GT. This was not out of spite however. This moment simply opened his eyes to the need for a higher quality, high performance vehicle in the market. Becoming a rather painful burr in the side of Mr. Ferrari as his fame and Lamborghini line flourished… priceless. Speaking of burrs…

In 1948, during a rustic hike into a mountainside, two men on opposite sides of the globe with accompanied canine companions with coordination issues fell victim to a vicious patch of burrs. These men were known as John W. Leech Jr. and George de Mestral. When John returned home from his hike, he spent three hours combing the burrs out of his dog; then another four hours complaining to his wife, three children, neighbor, milkman, and seamstress.

Unfortunately for Georges’ unlucky Fido, he was walked long and put away thorny, so to speak. George had other things on his mind on that particular day when he returned home; notably the difficulty in removing the stubborn invading burrs that Fido had passed onto his pants. Curiosity overtook him as he began to inspect this phenomenon under a microscope. He found tiny hooks on the burrs enabling them to cling to the tiny loops in the fabric of his pants. Describing this phenomenon as a combination of the two words velour and crochet, he called it Velcro.

Multi-millions of dollars later for George and three bypass surgeries later for John, Fido got in the mix and patented the Burr-Eliminating Lycra doggy body suit. This fabric would later be reformulated into sexy disco attire for drunken college students. Okay, so the last two sentences may be stretching the truth a bit.

In time, every moment must at some point come full circle, and with this article we have gone from exotic cars to sticky fabrics, which leaves us no other choice than to continue back around to the Post-It-Note. Why the Post-It-Note you might ask? Because it represents the first stage of most any life-changing idea… failure! It was Dr. Spensor Silva who was the originator of the notes glue formula; its failed formula I should say. Designed to paste together items such as Aunt Mildred’s dismembered Rudolph to her favorite ceramic fruit cake plate; the glue fell flat. I should rather say that the trial items they glued fell flat… flat on the floor!

One of Spensor’s colleagues, Art Fry, noticed that as the items fell apart, they remained tacky, and could be momentarily stuck back together time and again. This mishap gave Fry a revelation. What if the glue was used on something light, such as a piece of paper? He sampled some glue onto a piece of paper… and presto; a reusable, non-slip bookmark that later developed into the most popular method used today for leaving notes in the office and laboratory.

When life hands you bull crap… You take the bull by the horn, and make sirloin!

We here in the United States have quite the collection of sex laws designating right from wrong for the human species. These laws regulate everything from brothels to our own bedrooms. Some of them in fact seem more like guidelines for a redneck and should not need to enforcement other than through the carefully drawn lines of our own dignity and human decency.

But alas, there must be more Uncle Dave’s in the Ozark mountains than we realize who have been married and divorced nine times (two of them human) and have no clue what it means to “keep certain things to themselves.” It is for these folks that we have created such laws—and this month’s quiz asks you which of these below mentioned laws are legally enforced and which were created in the morbid and indecent back alleyways of my own mind…

1. Law or Slack Jaw?

In a section of Virginia where “site for sore eyes” refers to wanting to gauge your eyes out for every woman wearing anything less than a surplus tent, is it outlawed to have intercourse with the lights on, where you can actually see what it is you are having intercourse with.

2. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Alabama, it is against the law for a man to seduce “a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery, or promise of marriage.”

3. Law or Slack Jaw?

In the state of Utah, animals are considered part of Gods creation and are therefore sacred and protected from all heinous acts of sexual abuse.

4. Law or Slack Jaw?

Newcastle, Wyoming has an ordinance that restricts any couple from having intercourse while nude inside of a store’s walk-in meat freezer.

5. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Appalachia, West Virginia, cousins may engage in sexual intercourse as long as they have signed a release form stating that “any offspring born of such a union must be tested for mental retardation yearly through the age of 21.”

6. Law or Slack Jaw?

Merryville, Missouri has a ruling discouraging women from wearing a corset, stating “the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”

7. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Hot Springs, Arkansas it is legal to have intercourse with a deceased corpse as long as the victim (if you can still call them that) is “brought flowers and properly buried by the assailant afterwords.”

8. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Washington D.C. the only legal sexual position allowed to be performed behind the closed doors of ones own privacy is missionary.

9. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Buckfield, Maine, a taxi driver is “prohibited from receiving any sexual favors in exchange for a ride home from a nightclub or establishment which serves alcoholic beverages.”

10. Law or Slack Jaw?

Wyoming has a law that forbids the assistance of “self gratification” to any individual less than 21 years of age, even when a medical condition prohibits this act of normalcy.

Answer Key:

1. Law- Yes, this is indeed a law and why it was created is not the question here per say, but rather why it is also not also affective in Mobile. Alabama; Santa Fe, New Mexico; and Putnam County, Georgia!
2. Law- If they actually upheld this law, almost every man in the state would be behind bars, including the ones who made it! This is the only way a pot bellied, buck toothed, road kill eating, overall wearing, cousin marrying Alabamite would ever find a date. So have a heart Alabama, you are after all kinship to each other in one form or another.
3. Slack Jaw- About the only safety an animal receives in these desert plains is if an “anxious” Mormon performs a three-way with a beaver and a California king snake and the beaver chickens out and is asked to pay three bucks to watch—then it becomes illegal. In other words, intercourse with animals for profit is the only form of illegal bestiality in the state of Utah.
4. Law- I’d say that this one is more for the man’s own good. We all know what happens when a guy steps out of a cold pool—just imagine the effects of a freezing meat locker.
5. Slack Jaw- It would do us little good, as the entire state has been inbred so prolifically, the difference between a relative, a pet, and a neighbor is no more different than me, myself, and I.
6. Law- Kind of makes you proud to be an American, doesn’t it!
7. Slack Jaw- Okay, okay—perhaps a bit far fetched, but it is none-the-less illegal in every U.S. state to have sex with a corpse, which baffles the mind since the most obvious way anyone would even know about such an act, is if they had actually thought about it. Would any politicians care to comment?
8. Law- The only rear-end entry allowed in America’s political state capital, is towards its registered voters in the form of worthless elective choices. Missionary may be Washington D.C.’s choice sexual position, but not by public choice, but rather some political yahoo who probably has not been with a woman since the last time the Reagan administration remembered something.
9. Slack Jaw- Why this couldn’t be more the opposite of the truth. A cab driver is actually legally prohibited from charging any money above that of one sexual favor per each ride home.
   
10. Law- Give them at least one reason to live for crying out loud!

(article originally appeared in The Strip Las Vegas Magazine)

What was the defining moment that first began our love of motion? During the fleeing of a blood thirsty Tyrannosaurus Rex or the flirtatious cave-mating skip turned all out sprint to escape the advances of an ugly caveman. Perhaps it begins during our friendly competition for life as a tiny sperm with an organic 289 cubic inch short block, hemi four-speed running on high sugar octane fuel. To be sure, the first automobile race held in Chicago in 1895 was a big factor in the fast and furious mentality that we see today.

In 1885, “fast and furious” was considered to be just over 7 mph; something most kids can achieve today on a souped up go-cart or runaway tricycle! Today, the Barabus TKR is challenging the Bugatti Veyron as the fastest car with its impressive 1005 horsepower twin-turbocharged 6.0 liter V-8. These numbers supposedly can propel the TKR to 60 mph in just under 1.7 seconds and hit a top speed of 270—nearly 20 over the Veyron. But whichever automobile you want to claim as the fastest, we are talking an impressive increase of over 250 mph in a production car over the past 100 years. This brings tingles to the spine just thinking about what the next 100 years could produce.

I’m already setting up my contacts for Gerital and Viagra (okay, so the Viagra is to pass the time more enjoyably) in hopes of living the extra years to plant my withered rear-end in whatever we come up with. But, whoa there my future leather skinned space cowboy, you better hold your automatronic, biologically engineered horses for a minute. With an average yearly cost of $9,000 for your typical $12,000 shoebox econo-wagon according to AAA studies, what will it be in the year 2107 for a world-class super car? Designers are saying that lean, fast and flexible are going to be the automobile of the future. So if flexible is referring to how far we’ll be flexing the mighty dollar rather than flexing disposable door skins, I might not have to develop the cure for baldness just to test drive one after all.

Interestingly, in our future, we might just see the re-emergence of “stick” steering according to recent photos of the Mercedes SCL600. This is not a first for this design. Back in 1905 the Autocar came complete with a “tiller” steering mechanism. Much like steering a fishing boat, the driver would maneuver the tiller stick from side to side in order to steer the vehicle. The new Mercedes is thus much far advanced to this primitive engineering but still offers the same lack-luster video game approach to driving that will bury the dreams of us high school drag racers who still reminisce of one hand on a leather wrapped Ricaro racing wheel and the other on a pistol grip shifter. For 2107 it will be one hand on the joystick and the other up the nose. But I am sure that I am simply showing signs of minor hostility and disappointment to the later generations that have learned to do almost everything with their fingers and two imposable thumbs!

[...]

The shallow end of the gene pool is getting awfully deep around here folks and my research of some of the U.S. laws to guide American citizens down the path of righteousness and goodness is there to prove it. Throughout the course of history the U.S. has had some pretty ridiculous laws that would seem to be more a joke on human intelligence than a guide towards the accentuation of it. Let’s examine a few of these laws and discuss the frightening realization that as the tides continue to rise, it is these laws that we seem to clench to in order to sandbag this decline in morality and intelligence. Take cover, it may be time to build another Ark.

We start this editions session in Las Vegas, where the women and alcohol move almost as fast as the cash does. Over the course of their existence, it has been deemed necessary to limit the accepted attire of attendance during legislature hearings to decline the participation of anyone who wanders in wearing a phallic costume of any sort. Now you know that this probably means that at some point in Vegas’ dark history a member must have walked in wearing such an outfit. We can only assume that he was either testing his freedom of speech or advertising his first prescription to Viagra.

For those of you who have ever questioned the desperation of man and money, Las Vegas also had to create a law illegalizing the pawning of dentures for money. This would seem to be the very last straw before moving onto body organs on eBay. Speaking of desperation and panic of mutiny, Shawnee, Oklahoma has a ruling against the meeting of more than three dogs on anyone’s lawn unless the discussion is signed and proclaimed by the mayor.

New York City, the city of peace, love and unity has had to create a law against throwing a ball against someone’s head for fun. There is also an uplifting law that references anyone who commits that act of suicide by jumping off a building to be subjected to punishment by death if tried and convicted. Kind of convenient for those who actually fail, don’t you think? But for those who succeed, it then becomes illegal to arrest them as it is considered a misdemeanor to arrest a dead body.

With all the love oozing out of our cities today it is not surprising that at a point in Alabama’s history, they upheld a ruling limiting domestic violence to sticks no bigger than the diameter of the inflicter’s thumb. In Los Angeles such violence was limited to a two-inch strap unless given permission from the victim to use a wider one. On these terms we have the tender, toothless, tenacities of Arkansas residents, limiting domestic violence to no more than once a month. Isn’t that thoughtful? They give them time to heal between beatings.

On a happier note, Kentucky discourages the brainful act of carrying an ice cream cone in your pocket by a law. I would think the outcome would be punishment enough! In Wilbur, Washington it is illegal for any man to ride an ugly horse, which is also punishment enough, depending on the reference to the term “horse”. Florida has some of the most colorful and humorous of these laws, including the restriction for any man to wear a strapless gown, sing while in a swim suit or tie his elephant to a public meter without feeding the meter and I’m not talking about to the elephant; that would be illegal.

[...]

In today’s raunch culture (as the younger generation has been described), it is cool to look like a porn star and sometimes even act like one. But how can just a few words of babble make that much difference to an entire world and a generation? Well they do… and they have!

As certain words diversify and grow with the popular culture they are sending a message to future generations that it is okay to be considered a certain way; it is simply a fact of life as much as it is a part of our daily conversation. Starting from modest to bold we shall follow along the path of growth and development of four such words; “hunk”, “flirt”, “pimp” and “slut.” All babble perhaps, but none-the-less pivotal to the shaping, development and creation of today’s society and values.

The word “Hunk”, which has become quite a modest word to today’s standards, had a particularly interesting introduction to the English language in the 18^th century as a “giant slab of (something).” Over the next century, the word hunk turned into reference for a “slow moving dumb guy,” and finally completed its path as an “attractive, muscular dumb guy.” Okay, okay, so perhaps they’re not all dumb; but that’s how some women like them I hear (no accounting for taste).

With such a vast history of definitions over a relatively short period of time, I would dare say that the word hunk has not yet completed its transformation. In fact, I have already heard it referenced towards a “male endowed with a giant slab (a.k.a. manhood)”. So it would thus appear that it might be perhaps going back to its original form; with that of a slightly different twist. But rest assured; he’s probably still dumb…

[...]

We as humans have been tied to the necessity of waste elimination since… well, since the first few hours of gracing the earth’s surface. Depending on the first meal of course, it could be calculated that if one digested a few slices of bark, mixed with some pitted berries… well anyway, you get the point.

Have you ever thought about just how long toilet paper has been around or the course of events that lead up to that proud moment where many homes across the nation were the proud displayer of their very own role of quilted, velvety, softness? Probably not I would imagine; but there is a history behind the text of every book we ever read in High School or College that has never been told, but perhaps should have been.

Some things however may just be better left unsaid. Like the notions that success and wealth can be achieved with an audacity to wipe with dollar bills, and in fact many eccentric folk have done just that in order to prove how successful they are in society, about 2% to be exact. The majority of us would scoff at such stupidity, although we might as well be doing just that with the insufficiently researched financial decisions most of us succumb to at some point or another. But Before I get too far ahead of myself here, let us blow out the sands of time and pick out a few pivotal grains to further our enlightenment of human development, if you will.

Most experts of the subject; those who will at least admit being an expert in this area, speculate that the human species used mostly sticks, dirt, and leaves with an occasional stone to cleanse between pit stops in the beginning. If you were of the coastal regions, mussel shells were the rage. It is of course only human to find the easiest and most available resources to get the job done. Easy is not always the best choice however, and in this particular case, the most comfortable.

Those of the Arab nations had their very own prescribed method, which I am sure most of us have heard of at some point or another. So I will spare you the details and suffice to say, just don’t ever shake the left hand of a man you do not know. And if by chance you ever forget which hand it is to not shake, I suggest refraining from shaking hands all together and just give a simple nod.

[...]

Jerks are cruel, crass, and contemptible people. They have only one person’s interests at heart and in mind — their own. Despite most peoples’ desire to stay away from them, they will always be an inevitable part of dating. The danger is that jerks often start out very charming. This can leave us blindsided to their worst qualities, while starting to fall for their best. Then, once the relationship is far enough along to make it more difficult to walk away, their true nature begins to rear its ugly head.

Jerks know their best audience, and so they tend to prey upon partners with the kindest hearts. This is because these generous people are usually the most accepting and forgiving of their faults. Here are five questions to ask yourself if you suspect you might be dating a jerk:

The word, “intimacy” has long been defined by the act of intercourse, and while romance and sex are indeed an important part of intimacy, they are only a very small portion of it. The actual definition of intimacy should read, “a warm relationship between lovers that is characterized by a relaxed informality, deep understanding, vulnerability, shared empathy, and the need to be close. Other definitions may also choose to include the word ’soulmate’ as a means to describe the extent of such a connection.

What is intimacy, exactly? Here’s some relationship advice in the form of nine pieces of the puzzle, which, when combined, comprise the truest form of intimacy a couple could ever achieve:

Emotional Connection- To connect emotionally, a couple must know how to communicate effectively, expressing everything from their goals and dreams to their fears and regrets. Such communication should include both verbal and non-verbal (hugging, cuddling, touching) cues of expression.

Spiritual Connection- A spiritual connection between partners is considered a sacred bond between body and soul. Each partner involved is aware of who they are, who their partner is, and the sacred life force which has been created by their union.

Relaxed Informality- Intimacy is not only reserved for lovers, but also our closest friends and family. These are the people we feel relaxed around, and with whom we can be ourselves. If you are hiding your true self out of fear of not being loved for who you are, you have already sabotaged your chance of intimacy.

Deep Understanding- We are never afraid to tell those who we are intimate with, how we really feel. This is because we know they will understand where we are coming from, taking a position of understanding, rather than defense.

Trust- When a person gives themselves to someone, they are putting their trust in that person not to hurt them. While this is a risk, it’s also the only way to truly open yourself to the possibility of true love, intimacy, and the ability to heal all past, failed attempts at love.

Familiarity- The intimate couple should feel like that favorite pair of jeans in your closet that are so worn from use, they could almost disintegrate. They fit perfectly, look great, feel fantastic, and you could find them blindfolded in a room full of other jeans if you had to.

Vulnerability- Intimacy is about allowing our partner a front row seat to the story of our lives. It is an unspoken promise that you will remain open to your partner, sharing your most intimate, closely guarded secrets, and in return, they will hold these secrets as dear as their own.

Shared Empathy- This is a couples ability to know each other so well, they almost sense how each other feels. A partner can walk into a room, and without even saying a word, the other will know if something is wrong. This maybe as close to a true soulmate as most of us will ever come.

The Need to be Close- The need for a couple to be together all the time can be characterized by an unhealthy distrust in the relationship. In this case, however, it’s not that they are afraid to be apart out of fear of losing each other, but out of the desire to share as much of their life together as possible.

The next time you and your partner discuss intimacy, don’t forget that its origins go far deeper than sex. It is unfortunate that many couples fail to understand that true intimacy is a slowly developed process, intertwined by the mental, social, emotional, spiritual, and physical. Those who know this kind of intimacy, know pleasure far beyond the fleeting moments of passion between the sheets!

(Originally featured on California Psychics)

In todays economy we are instilled with the notion that we all must get a job. We’ve got to pay our own way or end up curled in some urine stained back alleyway next to Britney Spears, playing, Bet you can’t find where I hid the roadkill squirrel. But to be honest, there are occasions when a job doesn’t offer much more than this. When a hard working citizen chooses chicken guts over glory, flatulence over fortune, and hazardous waste over humility. It is these hardworking folks that we celebrate today. We honor them with a hardy pat on the back, $8 bucks an hour, and a tarnished, two-bit, tin metal engraved with, “Somebodies got to do it… glad it’s not me!”

10. 10-Key number analyst- This luxurious job consists of sitting in either a dim cubicle, or on the hard dirty floor of a department store counting stocks of granny panties (or whatever) and entering them in a 10-key digit calculator. The job starts at $8.25 an hour, but of course you can always work your way up from there to find yourself 10-20 years down the line making $16 to $20 an hour. But that will probably only barely cover your weekly visits to the chiropractor, psychiatrist, carpal tunnel syndrome therapist, and those special visits from a woman named ‘Bambi’, who’ll still sleep with you no matter how lame your job is.

9. ‘Spring Break’ Hotel Maid- Minimum wage ($8/hr) has never looked so bad! After picking up soiled towels off the floor, you will have to flush the toilets of these slobs, who appear to have misread the plaque that says “tips accepted” as… (well, we won’t go there). Speaking of a tip, you’d be more likely to star on an episode of Deal or No Deal than receive one solitary dollar from these animals. Stay in school kiddies!

8. Britney Spears Bodyguard- All the above ‘Spring Break’ Hotel Maid duties, with the added responsibilities of baby sitting (Britney, mostly), hate mail sorting, crowd monitoring, tantrum negotiations, and daily panty checks. The pay is $2,400 to $3,350 a week… but with the number of recent bodyguards who have quit this job, it is obviously not enough!

7. Urinalysis Monitor- We have all seen the movies with an onlooker collecting urine samples for a drug test. They must watch each individual very carefully to ensure that it is indeed their own pee. Day in and day out is watching people drain their waste fluid into a cup and then preparing a small sample to be sent to the laboratory for results. The really good ones learn tactics to coax the individuals who get “stage fright”, such as dipping their hand in warm water. The bad ones make extra money by selling their own urine to the folks who have no chance of passing. At $8.25 an hour, 20 to 30 hours a week, plus their own mandatory urine tests, this is almost never a ‘planned’ career decision!

6. Body Cavity Search ‘Attendant’- The human body has between five and six body cavities from which a person can store paraphernalia, such as cigarettes, drugs, and weapons. To catch these super sleuths, somebody needs to ‘go in’ and thoroughly investigate these areas for any goods other than the normal ‘goods’ they would most likely find in the process. These folks salaries are paid by the state, so $950 a week makes this a second best to the Britney Spears babysitting job… but due to its ‘crappy’ nature, the state can shove this measly sum up its own body cavity as far as most are concerned.

5. ‘Kill Room’ Attendant- This poor soul spends the majority of their life watching chickens get slaughtered through a patented killing machine that ‘processes’ each chicken that has been ‘tenderly’ hung by their feet. Processing refers to the stunning, killing, de-feathering, and chopping of the meat for distribution. The occasional heroic bird will dodge certain death to arise victoriously alive, but to no avail as they are only met by the Kill Room Attendant for a congratulatory personal killing via a dull cleaver knife. At $400 per week, this is one time when being a bum is actually a second thought.

4. ‘Stench’ Tester- If you were one of those nerds who would get held down on the school playground while the local bully would sit over top of your face and pass gas repeatedly, then this job will certainly not offer any fond memories. Stench testers are used for deodorant research labs as well as gastrointestinal research facilities. These are the guys with the small paychecks ($400 a week) whose job is to tell the guys with the big paychecks ($1,500- $3000) what stinks. One thing in for sure, their job sure stinks! But at least it’s just the smell, without the mess…

3. ‘Road Kill’ Scraper- Imagine how bumpy our highways would be if it weren’t for these dedicated men and women who scour the roadways looking for dead animals to scrap off. For $14 an hour you too can cruise the open highways in a flatbed truck looking for fresh meat. The summertime is the worst season for this occupation, as the heat combined with rotting flesh and intestinal gases has been known to explode the belly of one of these poor creatures all over the driver while dragging them to the truck. Thankfully, most of them carry a handkerchief for just such emergencies.

2. Farm Animal Semen Collector- We’ve seen some comparative jobs in the porn industry, but somehow the same application on a farm animal just seems… wrong! This occupational wizard was probably absent during “Career Day” in Kindergarten. They basically make their living sexually gratifying animals for their sperm, in order to use it in artificial insemination, testing, etc. Not many have admitted to this job, so the exact salary is unknown, but it’s probably safe to say that it is nowhere near the salaries of the equivalent ‘knuckle shuffling’ porn star. Kind of makes you wonder how much self training was necessary to qualify for the job!

1. Hazmat Diver- Toxic sludge comes in the forms of sewer material, toxic chemicals, trash, and anything else disgusting and vile you can think of. For about $750 to $1,000 a week, a trained professional diver may make his or her living suiting up in thick rubber with a full face mask, and diving into a sea of sludge in order to repair pipes, collect samples, or do whatever else needs to be done. The highly insulated suit reaches temperatures of 90 degrees Fahrenheit, which thankfully only allows the diver to safely stay ‘down’ for 20 to 30 minutes at a time. Did I mention these folks are trained divers? Coral reefs vs. digested Taco Bean burritos, angel fish vs. glowing nuclear biohazardous waste… yeah, that must have been a tough career choice!

It’s the classic story of man (err, boy) against the odds. Hundreds of police, swat teams, FBI, special crime units, psychiatrists, and disgruntled towns members, against one 6-foot-five, 205 lb, green eyed teen, with a scar on his left arm (knife wound), and the desire to open shelters for abused animals (according to his mom). It’s a story that has taken this teenager across North America in stolen cars, luxury boats, three planes, over fifty burglaries, and an alleged gun shooting.

He has been called everything from a modern day Jesse James, Robin Hood, Albert Einstein, to nothing but a cheap dime-store hood who just happens to be more slippery than a fried banana peel. He’s been referenced as the “Bare Foot Burglar” and “Baby-Thief”, and officially became an international legend this past Fall. Colton Harris-Moore has appeared in newspapers and the evening news in countries all over the world, including an Italian newspaper which enthusiastically headlined his story this October, “Viva il baby-landro!”

The most difficult part of telling Colton’s story, is separating the fact from the fiction, the boy from the legend, and the thief from the hero. It is a fine line once a felon commits a crime, yet remains a likable character among the media. Suddenly a nation becomes split among admirers and haters. One side hoping he will escape to carry on more capers alongside fellow legendary myth-meisters, Big Foot, Marilyn Monroe, and Elvis. The other side rooting for his swift capture and even swifter punishment.

The Early Years
The story of every great outlaw begins at birth. This is where criminal tendencies are both fostered and shaped. Colton, or “Colt” as he is known in his hometown of Camano Island (near Vancouver), came from a battered and bruised home at the very bottom of the gravy train. A train which begins at a long gravel road, lined with cedar trees, liter, broken-down cars/trucks, and “No Trespassing” signs. At the end is an old, decrepit, single-wide trailer with a tarps strung over the top, and a shotgun wielding mother, sitting outside the porch waiting to greet uninvited members of the media.

Colt’s biological father was extradited from his life when he was 2-years old. Colt’s stepfather died five years later, leaving his mother, Pamela Kohler, a single parent. Colt disconnected himself from his family, friends, and teachers, and rebelled against anything and everything. While his story maybe compared to that of Robin Hood, unless you consider empty pizza boxes and stolen laptops representatives of the poor, he’s the only one who has ever really prospered from any of his thefts.

Colt was arrested for possession of stolen goods for the first time when he was 12. He spent an 11-day stint in detention, followed by a month of community service. By the time he was 13 he’d experienced three more convicted juvenile arrests; by age 15, a mixed bag of 9 convictions (burglaries and break-ins). Each conviction meant more detention, and more community service.

Before long, local law enforcement began keeping tabs on Colt. His mother would tell the media that he was once arrested for riding a $300 bicycle of which she had bought for his birthday. “Every time he had anything, any good, everyone thought he stole it,” she recalls. The police on the other hand, would stand by each conviction, stating they had more than just probable cause.

It was at this point, he tried to turn himself around (“Mamma tried”), but in the end he would drop out of school and devote himself to a life of crime. As far as Colt was concerned, where once he had been given lemons, he now was making himself a big, sugary vat of pink lemonade. Fancying himself as somewhat of a modern day Jesse James mixed with a little James Bond, he amended himself the right to take what he wanted, when he wanted, and make a mockery of those who attempted to stop him. Colt was fast on his way to becoming a surreal rebel without a cause.

A History of Juvenile Delinquency (2003-2007)
While Colt has only recently become world renowned for his shenanigans, he has been a spur in the side of local authorities in Washington State for years. On October 8^th, 2003, A 12-year-old Colt was found guilty of third degree possession of stolen goods. Not much over a month after being caught, he was charged of second-degree burglary and third-degree malicious mischief for vandalism of several businesses. He was sentenced 10 days detention, 56 hours community service, and six more months supervision.

On December 31^st, 2003, he was charged of fourth-degree assault, and sentenced six months community service and $100 in restitution charges. On March 16^th, 2004, he was caught by his school principal stealing multiple electronic items. The cost of the stolen goods added up to over $700. When the principal confronted him, Colt stated he did not know why he was doing it, but he knew that he wasn’t able to stop himself. He was sentenced 10 days in confinement.

Four months later, he was sentenced for third-degree theft and convicted in Island County. It is interesting to note here that none of these minimum security facilities would be very effective in holding Colt, who would escape from them on multiple occasions. He was only 13 years old at the time of his first escape, and he is still wanted in connection to it.

One of the local authorities most credited arrests of Colt, while hiding in the Camano woods, was a cleverly orchestrated police sting, I like to call, The Pizza Man. Several deputies noted a dozen or so pizza boxes near a camping site believed to be frequented by Colt. The police came up with an idea to draw the young teen out. Officers would collect a few empty pizza boxes from around Kohler’s property, and awaited her next hunkering for pizza. The next time an order was placed, a deputy stripped off his badge, attached a pizza delivery dome to an unmarked squad car, and waited outside. Instead of the usual Sausage Lover’s, Colt received a tax paid ride in the back of a deputy patrol car.

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